Gaining

I'm an on and off feedee. Right now quite slim but my highest weight was around 205-210lbs and because of that I still have a little bit of soft fat around my belly and thighs. I've been trying to stay slim and eat healthy but recently it's been extremely hard.

The most recent month I've been craving to stuff myself to a point where I basically cannot do anything but lying down with immense food coma. I stuff myself with greasy foods, sweets, pizza, shakes with heavy cream 2-3 days a week and I just can't stop myself. It's like the cravings are taking over my brain. I can't stop myself it just feels too good.

Before I intentionally gained to 210lbs my appetite was quite limited and I felt genuinely full and satiated. Now however, I don't feel that anymore. Now after a regular meal I have to actively stop myself. I don't feel hungry anymore, but I'm not satiated and could easily eat twice the amount or even more. During my stuffing sessions I eat enough food for three full grown men, then an entire cake, and then chugging it all down with heavy cream. Before gaining actively I would get nauseous from just a gulp of cream.

This makes me wonder. If I stopped thinking about limiting my food intake to a normal level, would this make me fat without even even trying, and thus have I made myself destined to eventually become fat or at least back to 210lbs?

Honestly it's an interesting thought to persue.

What is our destiny? What do I want?

Honestly it is a question only your honest self can answer.
If you dont mind though I could share my version of that.

I was always into fat. Especially bellies.
But also I not always accepted my own body.
I was always plump. My family cooks too well to be otherwise, no matter how much they tell me I should watch my weight.
Was bullied to, so I never learned to see myself of worth. So I tried to lose weight, but ultimately that hole in my stomach was maddening.

As unhealthy as it is, I taught myself to mostly be hungry once a day. As a compromise to trying to lose weight. With that I limit my calory input, whilst eating whaterver and how much I can handle.

It works for workdays, but on weekends I just like to truly indulge. I didnt do so until 2 years ago though.
Through years of building up confidence I got enough to see my body and treasure its weight. I want to grow to a size of around 180 to 200kg and I'm happy how it's going

I make my own destiny as I wish to be