CathS:
I get lost in myself
I don’t know if the euphoria is me or the medication I’m given
Every sneeze or cough and I’m given huge doses of antibiotics just as a precaution from my nurse
The muscle relaxants help with most of my pain
As I’ve gotten bigger I worry that my joint will totally freeze and I will have locked in syndrome
So I totally hear you
X
I definitely understand. The loss of mobility is astounding, and I kept telling myself it was just because I was stuffed, not because the limitations were permanent. In my last month or two of rapid gain and daily stuffing, I went from being able to pull myself up with my walker, make it to the bathroom (though I already required help once there), and move between the bed and my recliner -- to struggling to lift and turn myself enough for hygiene. In the last week, I was so swollen from sodium and from heart and liver dysfunction, I couldn't type or text well. My doctors believe I likely had very little time left, though I didn't realize it until my accident at home. I thought, if I took a break from stuffing, the swelling would go down, and I'd be able to stand again. The reality is, I had given up any intention of reducing my food intake. If I wasn't completely engorged, pushing my limits, I didn't "feel right". Life became all about chasing that sensation. And if I'm honest with myself, even knowing the consequences, I'd probably do it again if my husband and my caregiver didn't hold me accountable.
I've been diligently doing cognitive therapy. Initially, they were treating it as a simple food addiction, but my brain is more complicated than that. Part of the drive was always growing bigger. I could see and feel my belly getting heavier, full of more fat. I was overflowing my recliner, taking up more and more space. I ultimately outgrew every single piece of clothing I had except for a couple of gowns, and I still needed a bedsheet to cover me. Every time I outgrew something, it was a point of pride and a reason to gain more. The body pain from the weight of my belly and my full stomach was addictive in itself. I also dream about food constantly, now that my intake is capped between 1,600 and 2,000 calories (all medically supervised). Last night, I dreamed of being surrounded by food, stuffing in potatoes, cake, pizza, feeling the top of my belly getting tighter and tighter -- and I woke up disappointed. I also feel so small since I've lost some weight, even though my brain tells me 765-770 pounds is VERY obese. I can't help but wonder if it's like this for other big people whose medical situation necessitates a change.
