General

Sometimes i wish i could travel without the little problems that come up like money.

Just spent an hour actually reading all this and rather then say all the stuff thats been said about depression and loneliness and suicide, i thought i'd given some unique personal confessions.

"Potential" this one word haunts me every day of my life, everyone i have ever met can see it, i can see it, every teacher who has ever taught me, regardless of the subject has mentioned it, fark if you listened to my teachers at high school, each one said i could be the best ever in thier particular subject.

Unfortunately thats the problem, despite my apparent apptitude, dreams and desires for greatness, i am yet to achieve anything close, i'm not even on my way to do something like that.

I am so afraid of death that my logic lead me to believe i'd be better off killing myself now then dieing later, which will inevitably happen. When i realised or accepted that i wasn't gonna live for ever, i sought another method of immortality, i was gonna be great, make a difference to the world, people would remember me when i was gone.

So as you can see, every day of unfullfiled potential is another nail in my coffin, and the worst thing is that it's all just a stupid fantasy, like everyone else whos dreamt of greatness before me and then gone on to lead a boring mundane life.

Should just end it now and give someone else a shot....

lol damn, ended up being the same anyway.

ok, this one won't be:

I don't want to be human.

I'm scared of sex, i hate it, think it's disgusting and repulsive, just like eating and "going to the bathroom" and breathing. I wish i was not bound by such needs, I believe i am better then that, then having to satisfy some primitve lust or hunger, i look forward to the day when science can free me of this "curse of flesh" (lol i know its from WoW but i love the concept )

You see, thier is this part of me who likes the idea of sex, and eating, that is the part you all get to see, the lil "demon" inside me who indulges in his selfish desires. Although i have been rather liberal about it since i've been on this site i still look forward to exorcising such evils from me.

I would work so much harder if i wasn't busy checking out the girls who walk past every 5 secs, and i'd get so much more done if i didn't need to take brakes to eat or sleep.

Imagine how humanity could accomplish without such things holding them back? I could finally achieve the greatness i so strongly seek, by focusing my all on that goal and not worrying that "i'm hungry" "i'm tired" "i'm horny" "i'm lonely"

hmmmm, please don't take any of this the wrong way, i've always been my own toughest critic and i by no means want anyone to think i would like the rest of the world to follow my view.

I just have phsycotic issues about stuff, kinda like an extreme control freak...

Anyways, so ends this late nigh rant, time for bed!

Max Out

I wish I had more good friends, or that I heard from the ones I did have more often.

I do a lot of things with the intention of making myself appear more interesting. Because I'm aware I have this motivation, I always question everything I do a bit too much.

I think about doing things much more than I do them. This makes me cautious, but far less productive than I strive to be.

Good news-

moving out soon with Endymion, thinking about starting a clips4sale if not modeling, maybe a nice blog about our life as it is the cool and cute thing to do.
and also:
Fat Princess will be released on the Playstation network Thursday, July 30th, for $14.99

Walmart... I loath the last 8 days I owe you.


In other news- I seriously want to hurt someone. He hurt my sister, very badly. Not once or twice... but three times. Punk owes me money too. I don't care when people talk badly about me... but when you call my sister who is underage and pregnant with YOUR child a low life F&^$( I will rip your head off and eat it while you slowly die.

And I still harbor hate in my heart for someone, who recently contacted me for no reason. Then I told them to stop and leave me be- I get called bad names once again, and harassed for a few days.
Both of these boys mothers should have swallowed.
I have never felt so much anger for someone in my life, but these 2 jerk offs really make me want to go a little crazy.

I'm scared of bugs and spiders.

I only have one friend which i never met face to face.

lol i don't want to sound mean here or anything but that is awesome.

Seriously, you are the kinda looking guy girls seem to love, ripped, tough, confident, the kinda guy which makes guys like me think i got no chance, to know you're as insecure as i am is actually quite comforting.

lol damn, i think i did sound mean...

Seriously though, as TheFantasyFeeder once put it "You're a good lookin' dude (no homo)"

xD

And he ain't so bad himself...

i took a hot bath... had a nice massage from the boyfriend...and some adult time.
i did not reciprocate.
i might go to hell for that.

I confess that I'm in love again and it scares me a little. I was supposed to be taking a break from love.

I'm lonely, but I've never had a good experience with love so my fear of hurting someone and being hurt myself prevents me from really looking for a proper partner. I'll probably make the mistake of going out with the next decently attractive person that shows an interest, and then i'll be back to square one before long.

My family just has a ridiculous history of divorce and breakups, and my personal history mostly consists of me falling for people, saying we love each other, and then the other person telling me they never really meant it, or they've fallen for someone else. I know it's not my fault because i've discussed it in therapy and with friends and I know these people wouldn't bullshit me and let me carry on making myself miserable if it was something to do with me. So I can only assume that I'm just unlucky. I know i'm usually attracted to unstable people with issues - which doesn't help - but if I don't fancy someone, then i can't really do anything about it. I think perhaps I need to feel like I can offer something to my partner and people with issues have an obvious need for support and love, but most people with problems would rather have a distraction from them, rather than a partner that will help them get through. I don't know, it's all a minefield of confusing pseudo-psychology.

All I know is that if you put me in a room with 10 women I knew nothing about, I guarantee the one I'd be most attracted to would turn out to be bipolar, or bulimic or a drug addict or have a shitty boyfriend that beats her or something like that. I'd complain about this a whole lot less if the people I fell for actually wanted someone like me in their lives, unfortunately they seem to lose interest as quickly as they fall for me, and i'm left still hurting and thinking about them years later.