General

I want to kiss everyone who has posted, and hug them and let them know they are awesome.

But I sound kinda lame saying that.

I am actually very content with my life. I have things that I would like to change, but do not feel bad about life or myself.

I'm terribly sad to hear how some of the frequent faces on this site are still very depressed or have had some very troubling things happen to them. I hope you all find peace in your own lives and the comfort to forgive those who have wronged you. I hope that some of you develop open lines of communication with your significant others. I also hope that some of you can find whatever strength you need to overcome your self doubts and insecurities.

Cheers all. You are all fine, and you're only human.

I can control my dreams, and I used to all the time to stop the reoccurring dream of attacking my step dad.

Now I let it happen. I dream this at least 5 times a month.

He is the reason I used to hate myself, and with a recent injury he symbolizes the hate I have for my situation.
I don't even feel bad about it anymore.

I cried today, for about 20 minuets.

the reason?:

I can not seem to pass this weight.
I don't play sports, I don't compete, and I hate this feeling. I hate winning to let someone else lose, but I loath losing to myself.

I hate letting myself down.I hate letting others down.I hate not having patience...

So new plan. I am going to eat more normally. Hope my metabolism kinda settles, and then do the stuffing again. I spent over 200 bucks on food in the last 2 weeks. I would have wished for more gains with the amount of food and cost.

your kind letter did.



i confess i love you all.
and im sober.

eats lemon pie...more cream!


i wanted to confess i had a few nice orgasms this weekend.

...due to the fact my belly now covers Endymion's nipples and also he fed me little Debbie cakes.
plus we got a suite at a nice hotel and he barely could fit into the tub when i was in it...
*splashes water*

Hmmm, sounds alot like me...

Just spent an hour actually reading all this and rather then say all the stuff thats been said about depression and loneliness and suicide, i thought i'd given some unique personal confessions.

"Potential" this one word haunts me every day of my life, everyone i have ever met can see it, i can see it, every teacher who has ever taught me, regardless of the subject has mentioned it, fark if you listened to my teachers at high school, each one said i could be the best ever in thier particular subject.

Unfortunately thats the problem, despite my apparent apptitude, dreams and desires for greatness, i am yet to achieve anything close, i'm not even on my way to do something like that.

I am so afraid of death that my logic lead me to believe i'd be better off killing myself now then dieing later, which will inevitably happen. When i realised or accepted that i wasn't gonna live for ever, i sought another method of immortality, i was gonna be great, make a difference to the world, people would remember me when i was gone.

So as you can see, every day of unfullfiled potential is another nail in my coffin, and the worst thing is that it's all just a stupid fantasy, like everyone else whos dreamt of greatness before me and then gone on to lead a boring mundane life.

Should just end it now and give someone else a shot....

lol damn, ended up being the same anyway.

ok, this one won't be:

I don't want to be human.

I'm scared of sex, i hate it, think it's disgusting and repulsive, just like eating and "going to the bathroom" and breathing. I wish i was not bound by such needs, I believe i am better then that, then having to satisfy some primitve lust or hunger, i look forward to the day when science can free me of this "curse of flesh" (lol i know its from WoW but i love the concept )

You see, thier is this part of me who likes the idea of sex, and eating, that is the part you all get to see, the lil "demon" inside me who indulges in his selfish desires. Although i have been rather liberal about it since i've been on this site i still look forward to exorcising such evils from me.

I would work so much harder if i wasn't busy checking out the girls who walk past every 5 secs, and i'd get so much more done if i didn't need to take brakes to eat or sleep.

Imagine how humanity could accomplish without such things holding them back? I could finally achieve the greatness i so strongly seek, by focusing my all on that goal and not worrying that "i'm hungry" "i'm tired" "i'm horny" "i'm lonely"

hmmmm, please don't take any of this the wrong way, i've always been my own toughest critic and i by no means want anyone to think i would like the rest of the world to follow my view.

I just have phsycotic issues about stuff, kinda like an extreme control freak...

Anyways, so ends this late nigh rant, time for bed!

Max Out

I wish I had more good friends, or that I heard from the ones I did have more often.

I do a lot of things with the intention of making myself appear more interesting. Because I'm aware I have this motivation, I always question everything I do a bit too much.

I think about doing things much more than I do them. This makes me cautious, but far less productive than I strive to be.

Good news-

moving out soon with Endymion, thinking about starting a clips4sale if not modeling, maybe a nice blog about our life as it is the cool and cute thing to do.
and also:
Fat Princess will be released on the Playstation network Thursday, July 30th, for $14.99

Walmart... I loath the last 8 days I owe you.


In other news- I seriously want to hurt someone. He hurt my sister, very badly. Not once or twice... but three times. Punk owes me money too. I don't care when people talk badly about me... but when you call my sister who is underage and pregnant with YOUR child a low life F&^$( I will rip your head off and eat it while you slowly die.

And I still harbor hate in my heart for someone, who recently contacted me for no reason. Then I told them to stop and leave me be- I get called bad names once again, and harassed for a few days.
Both of these boys mothers should have swallowed.
I have never felt so much anger for someone in my life, but these 2 jerk offs really make me want to go a little crazy.