Alexisruby:
I'd like to apologize for the long-windedness of this post beforehand, but I think I needed to vent and I really would like some advice.
I�m constantly shifting between wanting to gain and wanting to maintain my current weight, or even lose a few pounds. Ever since I was a preteen (and a really skinny one, at that), I fantasized about being fat. I�d even say reaching 300lbs at some point in my life is on my bucket list. However, I�m also terrified of people�s negative perceptions of me, and, to a lesser extent, mildly concerned about my health when gaining.
Okay, so, some backstory: I took the plunge into gaining in my late teens, gaining from 150lbs to 230-240ish in a couple years. Since then, I�ve lost all the way down to 170, which is not overweight for my height.
As bizarre as it is to say, I regret both these decisions. On one hand, I appreciate not getting out of breath just walking to my classes (though, it was arousing in its own way) and being more �conventionally attractive� nowadays. And, had I not tried gaining at all, I probably wouldn�t have developed certain eating habits and would be even more in shape and conventionally attractive. On the other hand, I�ll very frequently fantasize about what it would have been like if I never stopped gaining. It�s been over 2 years since I stopped, would I have reached the 300lb goal I�ve dreamed of for most of my life? Such a thought excites me.
For the most part, I manage to keep these fantasies as just that, fantasies, and maintain my typical weight. But whenever I unintentionally gain a noticeable amount of weight (I�m up to 176lbs thanks to the holiday season), I�m overcome with a very powerful urge to gain. I long for the feeling of constantly stuffing myself and feeling bloated all the time, of having a noticeable belly that�s fun to mindlessly play with. This�ll continue on for a week or two until I �come to my senses� (or give in to my insecurities, depending on your perspective) and undue whatever gaining progress I had made. Then my weight will again stagnate for a few months until the cycle begins anew.
Quite frankly, I�m sick of this indecision I�m plagued with. It stresses me out, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I�ll flip a coin to make the decision for me and I�ll be disappointed with either result. Does anyone have any advice on how to resolve this dissonance?
Advice for either/or solution would be appreciated, either how to overcome my doubts when they appear and become the fatty of my dreams, or how to rid myself of the urge to gain in the first place, as they both have about equal weight in my mind.
Adanac:
I highly recommend you read the gaining/encouraging chapter of the book "The Round World". This has recently helped me to accept my own truth, that I crave to be and must become fat. From experience, I can tell you that that feeling of dissatisfaction from ignoring your urges will never, ever go away.
I'd like to apologize for the long-windedness of this post beforehand, but I think I needed to vent and I really would like some advice.
I�m constantly shifting between wanting to gain and wanting to maintain my current weight, or even lose a few pounds. Ever since I was a preteen (and a really skinny one, at that), I fantasized about being fat. I�d even say reaching 300lbs at some point in my life is on my bucket list. However, I�m also terrified of people�s negative perceptions of me, and, to a lesser extent, mildly concerned about my health when gaining.
Okay, so, some backstory: I took the plunge into gaining in my late teens, gaining from 150lbs to 230-240ish in a couple years. Since then, I�ve lost all the way down to 170, which is not overweight for my height.
As bizarre as it is to say, I regret both these decisions. On one hand, I appreciate not getting out of breath just walking to my classes (though, it was arousing in its own way) and being more �conventionally attractive� nowadays. And, had I not tried gaining at all, I probably wouldn�t have developed certain eating habits and would be even more in shape and conventionally attractive. On the other hand, I�ll very frequently fantasize about what it would have been like if I never stopped gaining. It�s been over 2 years since I stopped, would I have reached the 300lb goal I�ve dreamed of for most of my life? Such a thought excites me.
For the most part, I manage to keep these fantasies as just that, fantasies, and maintain my typical weight. But whenever I unintentionally gain a noticeable amount of weight (I�m up to 176lbs thanks to the holiday season), I�m overcome with a very powerful urge to gain. I long for the feeling of constantly stuffing myself and feeling bloated all the time, of having a noticeable belly that�s fun to mindlessly play with. This�ll continue on for a week or two until I �come to my senses� (or give in to my insecurities, depending on your perspective) and undue whatever gaining progress I had made. Then my weight will again stagnate for a few months until the cycle begins anew.
Quite frankly, I�m sick of this indecision I�m plagued with. It stresses me out, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I�ll flip a coin to make the decision for me and I�ll be disappointed with either result. Does anyone have any advice on how to resolve this dissonance?
Advice for either/or solution would be appreciated, either how to overcome my doubts when they appear and become the fatty of my dreams, or how to rid myself of the urge to gain in the first place, as they both have about equal weight in my mind.
Adanac:
I highly recommend you read the gaining/encouraging chapter of the book "The Round World". This has recently helped me to accept my own truth, that I crave to be and must become fat. From experience, I can tell you that that feeling of dissatisfaction from ignoring your urges will never, ever go away.
Slightly off-topic, but thank you for the book recommendation. This looks great.
I've been on the other side of this coin --- having to come to terms with my attraction to fat women --- and books like this help a lot.
6 years
