General

Heya!

So I'm also 19 (nearly 20), and I am a transman who has been transitioning for approximately two years and have never been happier with my body. I will open by saying I am not a gainer.

Dara Hoffman Fox is a fantastic gender therapist who has a video series about questioning your gender that some people find useful and more thought exercises in a book called "The Gender Workbook"

ABOUT GAINING AND TRANSITION :

I can say that I have bumped into a couple of people like you before with gaining and gender swapping seeming to be a dual fetish, so it doesn't seem uncommon. I don't know much about it as a fetish on its own, and therefore won't speak to it beyond that there are definately more people than yourself who have thought about this, so you don't have to feel alone.

I will say though that in terms of questioning your gender, it really should go beyond being a turn on, because a transition is a 24/7 thing, not just a sexy thing. That being said you can still have a kink like that and not necessarily be trans.

That said: I really really don't want to belittle your experience, and every trans person is different, and I am by no means the authority of all trans issues ever. I could be totally wrong.

I can say that when I'm aroused, I get a phantom limb as though I have a phallus. The phantom limb itself is not a turn on to me- it's just there because my brain thinks I have one when I in reality, do not. And while that did serve as AN indication I could be a man, for me it was definately not the ONLY indication, and questioning my gender required further exploration than that alone.


QUESTIONS I THOUGHT ABOUT:

Other things I considered when questioning my gender that were helpful were not so much the question "am I a man" or "am I trans" but questions like:
- when you envision yourself as a 70 year old, how do you see your body?

-If you were to age with a partner, are you happy with them seeing you as the gender you were assigned at birth, not just in bed but 24/7?

-If you were the last person on Earth, and nothing else mattered but you could magically transition, would you still do it?

-If a room were being divided between men and women, which group would you feel more comfortable relating to and speaking with?

-When you dream (like REM sleep, not daydreaming), are you a man or a woman (or nonbinary)?

-Does your body and the gendered parts of your body bring you discomfort?

-If I said this is the body that was going in a coffin, the only one anyone on this planet would know you as, do you feel comfortable or at ease with that?

If you answer in negation to these questions, really ask yourself what specifically causes that negation. Is it because you feel restrained by social expectation? Is it your own personal discomfort with your body? Or is it an expectation someone close to you has?


FLUIDITY AND STEREOTYPES:

It's totally okay to go through this process, maybe present as female and use female pronouns for a while, and then decide you know what, this isn't me. THAT'S TOTALLY OKAY. It doesn't make you a fake or a bigot or any of the rest of it. It's okay to experiment and learn new parts of your identity.

(I wish someone told me that xD I think I would've come out earlier)

It's really important to remember that gender stereotypes are not realities of a given gender. Ie, liking dresses as a man does not make you a woman any more than liking sports as a woman makes you a man.

Ie: There are transwomen who are metal heads and lift weights and hate dresses, just like there are cis women who do the same.
There are transmen who wear makeup and dresses and cis men who do the same. (I personally don't, although I keep (well, growing it back out) my long hair because I LIKE it long and it makes me feel like Aragon. Fight me.)

Anyway, gender is really fluid, and so is presentation. So just because you don't like stereotypical feminine things doesn't mean you're not a woman, and vice versa. (which makes this process more confusing, I know and I'm sorry, but it needs to be said and talked about more than it is in my opinion.)


WHY I TRANSITIONED ULTIMATELY:

For me, it was more about my body and the way I related to it and how other people saw my body and how both those dynamics reflected who I am. I've recently had my first surgery and I was

(continued because it cut me off)

Terrified that I would regret it. I woke up and I've never felt more at peace with my body.

To make that choice, it was the question of growing old in my body and being buried in my body that did it for me. I couldn't imagine myself as an old woman: that thought caused me immense dread. I felt like I would never be seen, and if I were buried like that, I would eternally trap myself in a lie.

(dramatic, I know, but that's what did it because my childhood was not the straightforward "Oh I liked stuff of the opposite sex" that other people seem to have...? I don't know xD Maybe people just say that so that psychologists don't question them as much. And I kinda use that logic to make most major decisions in my life -- will I look back when I'm 90 and say I wish I did it different?)

So my dysphoria is mostly corporeal. I don't really prescribe to many stereotypes and even my friends say I act more agender or nonbinary than one way or the other which suits me fine. My actions are not dictated by my body, and neither are my preferences. Now, I'm just reclaiming my body to align it with my mind.

There were a couple of snags along the way, like changing names (not legally yet, but getting used to it) that I was worried meant I wasn't "really a man" because it was a little weird to be called a different name from the one I was called at birth.

Then I realized some married couples go through the same thing.

Which leads me to:

WHAT IF I MADE THIS ALL UP IN MY HEAD

Everyone thinks that at some point in their lives. For some people it's "I thought this new job would be great" and for others it's "I thought that I wanted children and now I realize it's more work than I imagined" and still yet "I thought I wanted to go to university, but now I'm not so sure."

To doubt is human. It's good. It means you know yourself, you're thinking, and you're questioning. You are being an active participant in your own future.

It's normal and healthy. Even if you decide in the end that you are a cis man with a kink (which there is no shame in being). Even if you decide you are a woman (which there is no shame in being).

If you have any other questions, message me on here and I'll gladly give you my email so we can yak. Again I'm not an authority, but I hope this helped even a little

Best of luck and I wish you happiness and peace

It is something I've seen a fair number of guys express, with varying degrees of commitment to the idea (some just want to fantasize about it, some working on their transition, and varying levels in-between)

Would be quite interesting to be a very fat person of the opposite gender.

I've taught at the Kinsey Institute on cross-cultural sexuality and my own sex research has focused on inter-racial same-sex couples. In full disclosure, I became a psychologist to try to figure out why I had such a fascination about men gaining weight.

I really appreciate the insight and wisdom of Plumpingup. I'd just add a few things--
A) Western medicine is still trying to figure out the complexity of gender identity, and it's taken decades to separate out the fact gender identity is different from sexual orientation. That confusion screwed up a lot of poor folks.
In my experience over many years in the gaining community, I find some bio-males associate becoming fat with becoming more feminine (curves/softness/nurturing/breasts) and others who associate gaining with becoming more masculine ("big man on campus" "large and in charge" "noticeable" "intimidating" "claiming space." The take away--the same experience means different things to different people.
C) I would suggest you contact a Grommr member by the name of Figure, who might share their experience of connecting gaining with an increased sense of femininity. Figure is a bit older than you are, and has had more time to both think this through and explore what in means in terms of transforming one's body.
D) Although it comes from pathology, there's a newer theory there are more types of sexual orientation than gay/bi/straight. For example, it makes sense that "gainer" may be a sexual orientation for some, where orgasm is connected to it, and a "real" gainer can't stop being a gainer, any more than a gay guy can't "stop" being gay.
E) Just so, I suspect the desire to be pregnant is something that transcends gender. There is even an interesting phenomenon called "couvade," where a cis-male has the symptoms of pregnancy, including weight gain.

My point--you may experience a number of "overlaps" of an interest in couvade, an attraction to exploring gender fluidity, and a need to gain. But it may well be these are three different things you may try to be squashing together to make it "one" thing when it may be many.

The best part (speaking as a therapist)-- I celebrate you asking these questions at the age of 19, rather than being miserable most of your life and finally trying to get some answers when you're over 40 and ending a disappointing marriage where you managed to make a spouse as unhappy as you've been. I've seen too many people who waited too long to seek answers. Best of luck

That's one thing I hate about fat fetishism. If you are born with a penis, you are a man, a vagina, you are a woman. If this comment triggers you, you are ignoring science.

This is not uncommon in the gaining world, being a gay feeder I've encountered few people with the same mind-frame and with variant degrees, from guys who just want to be teased about their growing breasts and soft curves, to guys who like to wear feminine clothes and be called feminine names during play, or androgynous clothes /drag in public, but still identify as male to full on trans women who take hormones and rub estrogen on their boobs to grow them (hopefully under medical attention) ... it's all cool, take your time, explore all your options and see where you fall on the spectrum, you don't have to slap a label on your forehead, just enjoy what makes you you!
cheers

5 years since the last post submitted but here goes.

I have very similar fantasies as to where i constantly day dream/fantasize about being turning into an extremely overweight curvy female at will or against my will both just as fun.

To be in a lesbian relationship with me being the sub feedee and the partner being the feeder dom to really use and abuse my new jiggle sexy body until i can take no more.

I often get super gelous of how much of a good time my wife has because im a 6ft 18 beast who really take pride in being able to go for hours or until she says her safe word honestly giving her orgasm after orgasm leaving her in most cases unable to walk with jelly leg muscles with no more to give.

Ive made it a game to see how many i can give her she likes being held down and tied up gagged choked but by someone stronger than her (me) unable to escape tortured with pleasure.

I deam of what my wife has and is feeling from what i give her. I do have enjoyment im my actions but being a very manly alpha man a big bold beast its draining being me and male.

Im sick of being that person everyone see's and expects something from strength protection dominance (dont worry everyone call me because i can sort it). I must just be a gelous defenceless fat female on the inside with the body of a monster and a life of hell trying to conform.

As a domme, I see a lot of so-called "alpha men" are often very eager to jump into femininity. And it's usually due to one of two reasons.

The first is egg. If you know, you know.

The second is that, in hegemonic patriarchy, femininity is everything that masculinity isn't. And within that context, masculinity is narrow, ridged, and devoid of humanity. Meanwhile, in their eyes, women are able to enjoy emotional vulnerability, softness, and protection.

Some men will realize that ridged gender roles are a scam and express their masculinity in their way. Others, still clinging to the social capital hegemonic masculinity provides (or claims to provide), will fantasize about femininity as an outlet for their repressed humanity.

I'm not against gender play. I think it can be fun and anyone should be able to do it. But it's good to engage with why it attracts you to it.

This is why, although a sexual submissive while in the rest of life I'm very dominant, I'll sometimes be a switch. Gives you a whole other perspective. And you have to learn to experience that which you desire.

The point above is also true. You can be a bad boy, but also caring and good, even soft. I remember a motorcycle rally of hundreds of motorcycles, guys with facial hair in studded black leather aplenty. Fear-inducing with the roar of such a number until we realized they were wearing pink camo bandanas or T-shirts because it was a ride for breast cancer. And I saw they were helping some women and pets out, which is how I found out what the ride was for. As an example. Let that feminine side out. Go ahead and experience what you crave. If you're very alpha, nobody will be mistaking that.