Gaining

becomingoverweight:
I decided to try to figure this out again and I think I found a viable method. So venti drinks have 3 fluid ounces of espresso in them. The rest of the composition varies from hot and cold. Hot lattes have 2% milk and milk foam. This milk foam takes up valuable space and lowers how much milk is in the final product. For iced lattes, it's milk and ice. The ice plays a similar role. We need to know how many ounces of milk are in the lattes so we can determine how much heavy cream it'd be replaced with. So how can we find out how many ounces of milk are in these drinks given that the amount of milk isn't explicitly listed? Sodium.

Espresso has no sodium(or Starbucks just doesn't count it, I'm not an espresso expert) but 2% milk does. Since the only ingredients are espresso, milk, and/or ice, the sodium can only come from the 2% milk! Using this we find the hot venti latte has 15.238 oz. of milk and the iced latte has 11.082 oz. of milk. As we can see, milk foam wastes 20-15.238-3=1.762 oz. and ice wastes 24-11.082-3=9.918 oz.

If we get rid of these losses by asking for no foam or ice(might cost extra), the hot variant has 17 oz. of milk and the cold one has 21 oz. Calorie-wise, cold wins. If the milk is replaced with heavy cream, it has 2155 calories. Definitely an obesogenic drink. The hot variant would have 1745 calories. The optimized variants would have 1564(hot) and 1137(cold) calories.

The grande variant of a no ice iced latte has 1437 calories of heavy cream.

Adanac:
I order “Breve lattes” from Starbucks every day which are made from half and half. How are you ordering your heavy cream lattes? I am often with colleagues and as hot as it would be, I simply can’t order heavy cream drinks in front of them. Nobody really knows what breve is so I get away with it when it’s half and half.

finickyfeedee:
Thank you for the information, it’s very helpful! I’ll definitely be trying this. Unfortunately, I can’t stand cold coffee, so I’ll have to get hot, but with the large amount of extra syrup I usually get added to it, even the hot latte ought to come to around 2454 calories.

Today I got a grande to test out if I liked the taste and could keep it down, and I definitely can. It tastes exactly like a whole milk latte, which I wasn’t expecting, but am happy with. Tomorrow I’ll get the venti!

With my current schedule, I ought to be able to do this 2 or 3 times a week and can keep going until my coffee budget runs out. If I get coffee three times a week and/or can manage to eat even just 300 calories per day over my weight maintenance requirement in my non-coffee diet, I should be able to gain 2 or more pounds per week. A lot of people buy their coffee drinks with heavy cream here for keto, not realizing how many calories there really are in them, so no one will suspect a thing. I’ll post an update if it works. Here’s hoping for at least 10 new pounds!

becomingoverweight:
You're welcome! Also, I had a typo in the second to last paragraph. I meant to say "unoptimized", not "optimized". Also according to this, each pump of syrup is 1/4 fluid ounces. So the more pumps you get, the less heavy cream you get, I think. As such each pump removes 25.65625 calories of heavy cream. The hazelnut syrup has 20 calories per pump. So you'll probably lose a small amount of calories.

finickyfeedee:
That’s good to know, I’ll have to update my math. Thanks! The syrups I get range from 60-80 calories per pump though (I don’t get the same flavor every time but all the ones I get are in that range), so it will still be a net increase in calories, just a smaller increase than I had previously calculated. I should have specified, I think Starbucks’ syrups range from 0 to 90 calories so it is definitely relevant which one you use!

becomingoverweight:
According to this on page 6, Starbucks doesn't have syrups that caloric. Each pump only adds 0.25 fl. oz. of syrup.

finickyfeedee:
I don’t know how it translates to fl. oz, but most sites I have found list a pump as 2 tablespoons or 30 mL. Here’s an example of what kind of sites I’ve been looking at: mobile.fatsecret.com/calories-nutrition/starbucks/cinnamon-dolce-syrup

becomingoverweight:
One fl.oz. is 2 tablespoons. Also, that doesn't say each pump is 2 tablespoons, it says the nutritional information for 2 tablespoons of syrup.

finickyfeedee:
This is confusing, honestly. The hazelnut syrup is apparently 20 calories per 2 tablespoons as per the same site, which is the same amount you’d mentioned each pump having, which is why I’d assumed they were roughly equivalent: mobile.fatsecret.com/calories-nutrition/starbucks/hazelnut-syrup

So either one or both of us have our units wrong, or one or both of the sites has the calories wrong. I wish there was more clarity out there on this, you’d think people trying to gain weight and people trying to lose weight would want it.

I hope it’s clear I’m not trying to be argumentative here, I appreciate you discussing it with me!

becomingoverweight:
That's odd, that site has the wrong values. They both have 80 calories per 2 tablespoons according to Starbucks. Just check the syrups they sell on Amazon:

Hazelnut
Cinnamon Dolce

It's clear you're not being argumentative. You're welcome!

finickyfeedee:
That’s really odd, and thanks! I’ll see if I can handle it with a little less syrup, then, though I wouldn’t want to go too low on the syrup since I do need it for the taste.

becomingoverweight:
It's not a big loss in calories, about 20 per fl. oz. Though you'd get less healthy dairy fat and more unhealthy sugar so it's a tradeoff. You could potentially add your own sweetener after you get your coffee or some other flavoring.

finickyfeedee:
I tried out getting my venti with only 1 extra pump of syrup today, and then putting in several sugar packs. Unfortunately, it tastes absolutely terrible. I can see now why so many people say cream is tough to get down, I thought Starbucks’ poor quality espresso would be the source of any taste problem but the cream itself has such a strong taste without all the sweetness masking it that the espresso’s flavor is barely noticeable. I’ll have to go back to at least several extra pumps, but at least that’s still plenty of calories. I do intend to drink all of the one I bought since it would be a shame to waste all that cream, but it’s not tasty and goes down a little scratchy in my throat so it’s difficult.

I think it’s probably mostly psychological and/or bloating, but this morning I certainly did feel a little bigger. Including both the latte and all my other food, I managed to consume about 3700 calories yesterday, which was difficult but not my most ever since I didn’t have the whole day (or even most of it) free to eat. My goal is to eat at minimum 2000 calories per day in addition to the drink, preferably more. My maintenance requirement is a little over 1700, so the excess ought to add up nicely over time, as much as it can without time for real stuffings, anyway. If I can manage to never fall short on my regular eating, I should get a 300 calorie surplus on no-coffee days and a 2000 calorie surplus on coffee days. With three coffees a week, that would be 7200 surplus calories weekly, which should be a little over two pounds a week, even if I never exceed my minimum calorie goal! And believe me, I intend to exceed that goal whenever I have the time and can force down more food.

I’m going to wait at least until next week to weigh in, but my starting weight was 130. I haven’t got a final weight goal in mind for this particular experiment, I’ll just go until I’m either happy with the results, out of coffee money, or sick and tired of the drinks. I do hope to gain at least 10 pounds total, but it isn’t a set in stone goal, as I may well decide to go heavier or have to stop early for financial reasons. I know cream sometimes has a delayed effect- that’s one of the things I’m looking forward to most, the feeling of deciding to stop but still packing on more pounds anyway.

becomingoverweight:
Well I wish you luck with your gains.