Hello, me in my teens and twenties! It's totally normal to feel conflicted about gaining. Deliberately getting fat is a huge taboo in Western society, so much so that a lot of 'normal' people can't even conceive of such a thing. And violating taboos is as frightening as it is hot.
For me, the tipping point came when I discovered that to maintain a doctor-approved weight, I had to eat so little that I was always, always hungry. I stopped eating dinner while I was still hungry. I went to bed hungry and woke up hungry. After a while I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to be full, dammit. If I did that I would gain weight, so why not go all the way and indulge my most secret fantasies?
You will get backlash if you decide to gain. Concern trolls will ooze out of the woodwork everywhere. You really have to cultivate a "fuck the haters" attitude in order to be confident and love yourself as a fat person in this society. It might be different in areas with higher levels of obesity, but I grew up in California and now live in Colorado, both very health-conscious places.
In summary: you need to do some serious introspection. Decide for yourself what you want from your life. Neither path ahead of you will be easy, so pick the one that will make you happy, whatever it might be.
3 years
