I've always been torn between wanting to be fat and wanting to fit in unnoticed, not to look out of control, etc. For better or worse what I did was give in for a bit, gain ten pounds or whatever, then get disciplined for a while, maybe lose a bit, until the desire to gain got too strong or life got so busy that I lost my discipline, and I'd gain some more. Rinse, repeat.
I'm not necessarily suggesting it, but based on my experience I can say there are some pluses to it. Each gain is not enough to draw a lot of attention, there are plenty of times when you seem disciplined to build that image of caring about mainstream views of health, and because each gaining episode is discrete and unique each one is a treasured memory.
But it is slow, and you can't ever commit all the way, always looking for that moment to say 'enough' and change your habits again.
Taking a quick look at your profile, at your age and size it would likely not shock anyone if you gained fifteen pounds. It would sort of be noticeable but not attention grabbing to anyone other than you and your husband. So you could plan something like that, gain then maintain and see how it goes?
2 years