So I’m not proud of my little fatphobia habit. I know I have hurt people yet I feel this compulsion to hurt people (fat acceptance and fat proud people) because I have this deep internalized disgusted feeling towards my sexuality. I have always harassed fat people and told them that they are fundamentally wrong for being ok/being positive about being fat. I do this because I think the fact that I am a feeder and feedee is fundamentally and morally wrong. I just feel a release of guilt when I put happy fat people down. I can’t stand myself for being into this stuff, yet then I am so drawn to it and think it’s so sexy. I just feel that I am a broken person and I like to repent for it by “doing what’s morally right” and bullying fat positive people into hating themselves and believing that they are bad people like me. I just don’t know how to cope with all this hate. I wish I felt free but I know that the world hates me like I hate myself. I wanna be fat and flabby and enjoy it but I can’t help but think I am disgusting.
1 year