Lifestyle tips

I don't know if my title makes any sense; I'll try to explain my thoughts more clearly.
I've always been on the slimmer side, ranging from about average to underweight (due to medical stuff), but I've been into this stuff for a long time- always wanting to give gaining a shot. A couples years ago the stars sort of aligned, and I was able to gain almost 30lbs. This isn't as much as it sounds given my height, and didn't even tip me over into the overweight BMIs, but I don't have a ton of muscle mass so this made me very soft and gave me a bit of a belly, bigger hips, some breast growth, etc.
I absolutely loved how I looked at that size; it made me feel feminine and plushy in a way I had never experienced before. I also loved how it felt to play with the extra fat I had grown. Even outside of an erotic sense, it was just nice to be sort of jiggly. Looking at it only from these POVs, I would have gained another 30+lbs in a heartbeat.
The problem came from how I felt with the added weight. It made me really uncomfortable in a way that's difficult to describe. Basically any time outside of arousal I had this feeling. The way it felt to move while heavier, having my clothes fit tighter, getting out of breath more easily, even things like the way my fatter arms felt sitting against my sides. It wasn't about any sort of societal norms or anxiety about being bigger (as far as I could tell), so I really don't know what was causing it. The closest thing I can compare it to is body dysmorphia (not dysphoria, gaining was actually very gender affirming).
Has anyone else felt anything similar? I've been getting the itch to gain some again, but I'm hesitant to potentially bring those feelings back.

I'm curious. Did you gain quickly? It's pretty common to feel like that if you've been thin all your life and suddenly gain weight.

Your identity is being thin. And now you're not. It can be a struggle.

Maybe faster than a person without this fetish would gain, but not noticably so. I didn't really keep track, but given how long it took I probably averaged about .5 to 1lbs a week, off and on for about 8 months. From what I've read, that's within the range of healthy gaining speeds.

If you didn't keep track, then it definitely makes sense that your body feels foreign to you. Like the you in your head doesn't match the you that you see.

And that's okay.

Often, feedees and gainers are so focused on the physical aspects of gaining that they forget about the mental aspects.

It's a major adjustment from what you've been used to for a long time. It's going to feel weird and it's natural to feel uncomfortable with such a difference. You will get used to it after a while, but it is an adjustment.

I get the same feeling sometimes. I was always borderline underweight, now I'm just past borderline overweight in less than a year. I love how everything looks and feels, but I can't get used to the thigh rub or looking down and seeing this belly where previously there was flat stomach. It's improving though.

One thing I can say is exercise and diet. You feel a lot better when you stay moving and don't eat junk. I'm very active and a lot of the weight I gained was muscle, so I don't really feel the weight itself as much. It obviously makes weight gain slower, but the end result is arguably better, and you will feel more comfortable with a more gradual change that has less physical impact.

Im dealing with very similar emotions. I gained a bit (mostly on accident), liked it sexually, but it was uncomfortable in every other context, so I am losing it again.

For me, I am not sure how much of the discomfort is genuine and how much is some manifestation of internalized fatphobia. Some of its about physical discomfort and some of its more of a mental thing. I even dislike how it looks aesthetically except for when Im aroused.

I would love if I could be fat when Im horny and then have it dissapear otherwise.

Maybe you should look into padding.

It's a very weird thing, for sure, and I understand how you can feel very different when aroused vs normally, I get the same thing. When aroused every ounce of fat is amazing and I crave being massive with huge belly and rolls and moobs to match up with an equally massive girl. At other times however, I see the rounder belly and pecs looking a little more saggy and moobish than cut, and I'm feeling a little like "eew, that looks flabby now".

I totally agree that part of it is internalized fat phobia; always taught that you're not supposed to have a fat belly and moobs, that's what lazy guys that sit around all day watching tv or playing video games eating junk look like. You should be muscular and toned from exercise and eating right, and doing manly masculine things. That subtle brainwashing from societal expectations and norms. Is it really you that doesn't like the fat, or is it what you've been programmed to believe?

The physical discomfort I can understand well too. Figuring out what is just something you're getting used to, and what is something that requires a lifestyle change. That's where I'm at now. The only thing that wasn't thin on me before was my thighs, now they're thicker with fat and even more muscle, so they rub a bit
and they're in competition with the balls for space. This can get uncomfortable and I need to figure out what I have to do to to alleviate the situation. Sometimes when sitting, my stomach feels uncomfortably pressed against my belt or waistband. Pants that are loose enough to not cause this problem, won't stay up when I'm walking around. The best solution I have come up with so far is to wear my pants lower with a long fitting shirt. Is this all because I'm not supposed to be so chubby, or is it because I don't know what I'm doing because I was always taught this fatness was wrong, so I have no knowledge or tools?

For what it's worth, I still feel like I am a smaller person, and I'm really curious about what it would take to make me feel like I am big. I did notice that people smaller than me now appear tiny for some reason. A coworker of mine is 150 and we're about the same height. When I was 20lbs less than him, he appeared "normal" to me. At 20lbs heavier than him, he suddenly looked so skinny. The change in perception is wild.