General

This might sound silly because this has been on my mind for a bit. I've been lurking on this community for about 10 years since I was a teenager, and I've always thought myself as a chaser rather than a gainer. But recently the idea of me gaining have been on my mind and the more I think about it the more it turns me on.
But since I've never actually had a relationship in this community or have dated someone at a bigger size, I'm confused about what do I really want. Because despite being turned on by the thought of me gaining weight, I don't think I'd actually enjoy that in any way - especially mentally.
It's sort of like that silly White Lotus monologue. "Am I a middle-aged White guy on the inside, too? Or could I be an Asian girl?"

I don't think you are alone.

I have been a lurker in the old school spaces since I was a teen and signed up to actually post for years here and my appreciation has evolved over time for what I want for myself and others.

When I first found out that this whole thing existed, it was through the old Dimensions stories and forums, and I gravitated to women, and especially older white women (as a younger black man at the time), not sexually, but for the cognitive dissonance on applying what I was feeling to myself. It took a long time for me to figure out that was what I was doing. I avoided looking at fat black women that reminded me too much of family members or myself, and avoided images of men. But then when I came to terms that my preferences were deeper than sexual and that I needed to consider what I actually wanted for myself or my partners did I break down those barriers - I could see myself more in what men and other people of color were doing in these spaces, and it made me ask those hard questions and opened my appreciation for aspects of the community that I had been closed to before.

Because I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, I made no effort to hide my attraction for bigger bodies or for conspicuous eating, so naturally I had some friends ask if that is what I liked, but honestly, my actual attraction for partners has very little to do with physical appearance, so it wasn't as simple as being an FA, and it wasn't a sincere desire to be a gainer either. I found my boundaries and negotiables for myself and for potential partners but I am more open to things I might not have previously been, and how feedist sexuality can be not in conflict with my Christian faith.

I would hope as you continue on your path that you continue to learn and be open to not rush to definitions, but to understanding and appreciation.