Story authors

EmilyW:
If you want something done right, do it yourself. This theme has been following me from my childhood.

Here you go, you lazy bastards, fresh from reddit.

(I changed the link to We, because zippy is a spamhole shitbag site full of militarized goats)

we.tl/t-Mphr5npqK5

I was going to lend my funnel to the first lucky chump or chumpette who would find the story, but since it was me, you are not going to get my Emily.
No.
I won the race, I am going on a big splashy 34 Oz date with her. Full of innuendos and giggles, deep blue glances, electrifying touches and fuckload of heavy cream until one of us can barely stand on my legs. Hahaha.

We will see if I win the fat race too.

EmilyW:
I had a quick butchers at the "A look in the Mirror" in my mirror and unless we are talking about a completely different story then all the similarities can be summed up in : 1. college, 2. girl got fat 3. with the help of her friend.

They both ripped my stupid ADEPHI story, and the worst part is, I only started writing it now. But we all know how retroactive dibs work and since, I assume, I am prettier than both of them combined, and my funnel has a longer tube, I have the right to dib them whenever I want and with as much heavy cream as I can stomach.

To be honest, I wasn't overly flipping my fins reading the Nancy story either. I had a go at it and fell asleep. True, it was 3.30 in the morning, but who is looking at the clock after an entire box of chocolates from costco?

I think the guy just stopped writing because anybody who writes with a premise and no story, ends up writing themselves into a monochromatic pants with suspenders, unless their name ends with King. It happened even to the prettiest of us.
Or maybe he got carpal tunnel from trying to type with his left hand - I don’t know how these things work in your world.

But, trying to go through the pages of the same thing, while my eyelids were sticky from melted chocolate, I realized that the people reading my own drivel must be probably made of tungsten eclairs.

From now on I am sticking to a fubsy short form, to get to the point.

Here is my entire new epic novel, after I removed all the redundant words:

Preface
Weird Solar flares cause lactose intolerance.

Chapter 1
But Emily is fine. Hmm.

Chapter 4
Market crash. Heavy cream is cheaper than bottled water.

Chapter 5
Emily, coming from a gym, is thirsty.
"What's this?"

Chapter 12
She likes it.

Chapter 23
She likes it a lot.

Chapter 34
She likes it a fucking lot.

Chapter 35
Her friend introduces her to a funnel.

Chapter 43
Hmm.

Chapter 55
"You are fat as fuck."
"I know."

Chapter 59
Emily tries to get out of her bed, she fails.

Epilogue:
Breaking news: Another solar flare. Market crash. Butter is cheaper than belly-button lint!
Emily realizes that with all the funneling she forgot to eat. Hmm. Butter is a food, no?
"And it is good for curves."

Author's note: "And it is good for curves" is incidentally also the title of this masterpiece neatly tying it all together.

Danimal:
I have that story backed up. I just uploaded it to Google Drive, so if you want access, just give me your email address.