Just spent an hour actually reading all this and rather then say all the stuff thats been said about depression and loneliness and suicide, i thought i'd given some unique personal confessions.
"Potential" this one word haunts me every day of my life, everyone i have ever met can see it, i can see it, every teacher who has ever taught me, regardless of the subject has mentioned it, fark if you listened to my teachers at high school, each one said i could be the best ever in thier particular subject.
Unfortunately thats the problem, despite my apparent apptitude, dreams and desires for greatness, i am yet to achieve anything close, i'm not even on my way to do something like that.
I am so afraid of death that my logic lead me to believe i'd be better off killing myself now then dieing later, which will inevitably happen. When i realised or accepted that i wasn't gonna live for ever, i sought another method of immortality, i was gonna be great, make a difference to the world, people would remember me when i was gone.
So as you can see, every day of unfullfiled potential is another nail in my coffin, and the worst thing is that it's all just a stupid fantasy, like everyone else whos dreamt of greatness before me and then gone on to lead a boring mundane life.
Should just end it now and give someone else a shot....
lol damn, ended up being the same anyway.
ok, this one won't be:
I don't want to be human.
I'm scared of sex, i hate it, think it's disgusting and repulsive, just like eating and "going to the bathroom" and breathing. I wish i was not bound by such needs, I believe i am better then that, then having to satisfy some primitve lust or hunger, i look forward to the day when science can free me of this "curse of flesh" (lol i know its from WoW but i love the concept
)
You see, thier is this part of me who likes the idea of sex, and eating, that is the part you all get to see, the lil "demon" inside me who indulges in his selfish desires. Although i have been rather liberal about it since i've been on this site i still look forward to exorcising such evils from me.
I would work so much harder if i wasn't busy checking out the girls who walk past every 5 secs, and i'd get so much more done if i didn't need to take brakes to eat or sleep.
Imagine how humanity could accomplish without such things holding them back? I could finally achieve the greatness i so strongly seek, by focusing my all on that goal and not worrying that "i'm hungry" "i'm tired" "i'm horny" "i'm lonely"
hmmmm, please don't take any of this the wrong way, i've always been my own toughest critic and i by no means want anyone to think i would like the rest of the world to follow my view.
I just have phsycotic issues about stuff, kinda like an extreme control freak...
Anyways, so ends this late nigh rant, time for bed!
Max Out
