General

If you see a problem, identify a cause and propose solutions.

There aren't many women active on the site? It's not because there are more men than women in the world. It's not because women want to stay single. It's because the internet and dating sites by extension are a hostile place toward women in general.

If to "compete harder" means making a safe and welcoming place for all people based on a minimum level of appreciation for people, their boundaries, and their individual desires, then yes, it will help.

I agree with this.

So, the guy who has been on this site for 4 days knows the ins and outs of everything on this site? Have you been here before?

Yes. Thanks for the demonstration.

Let's not talk about the sexism of assuming there are fewer female FAs compared to the "sexism" of asserting that a lot of women have had bad experiences with men in the past.

Instead I'll actually support my argument with facts. The gender ratio between men and women isn't evident only on this site. I took 5 minutes just now to make a Match account and look at what my area looks like. There are around 1500 men in my area seeking women and only 500 seeking men. The ratio is about 3 to 1.

If I go on Feabie, for online users globally, there are around 3600 men seeking women and 1200 women seeking men. Again, around 3 to 1.

Even if I change my filters on Feabie to specifically look at the ratio between male feedees/BHMs and female feeders/FAs, I get 1200 men and 400 women. 3 to 1. (EDIT: For completeness, there are 1500 feeder/FA men and 500 feedee/BBW women online on Feabie at the current moment, so don't begin to make the argument that women are more likely to be feedees than feeders.)

If you're right (and I don't know how to confirm whether you are) and there are 10 active men for every active woman on this site, consider the possibility that it might actually get so bad for women that they do decide their kink isn't worth the toxicity they might face here and, yes, go somewhere else. Feabie. Match. Hinge. They might even *gasp* date offline.

But I don't think that's the case. I'm much more inclined to believe the 4:1 ratio on this site.

All that aside, there are two critical things that need to be said, repeatedly, it seems.

First, just because there are more men doesn't mean women are swimming in matches with people they like.

Second, if a guy is honestly depressed about loneliness and the difficulty of finding a connection, that's something they can (1) talk to a therapist about and (2) work on by improving themselves and, you guessed it, "compete harder." You wouldn't date someone who didn't meet your needs. No one else will either.

I kind of hate myself for jumping into this topic. Least of all because the whiny man-children fueling this fire don't actually listen to what women (such as those of us here in this thread) have to say, which is kind of the whole problem. The only thing balancing out this convo is the fact that there are many more people in it who understand why this topic is silly and are able to reason like adults.

Firstly, to the guy roping "reverse sexism"/"misandry" into this convo: No. To put it briefly, sexism exists in a long history of patriarchy-based oppression which has only ever been a one-way street in our culture, to keep women in the home and out of power. Anything you perceive as women treating men "unfairly" is, I can assure you, a safety measure. It is vastly dangerous to exist as a woman in this world (that affects every woman you can think of, who you know personally or otherwise), and protecting ourselves and each other is a survival technique. The fact that you don't see that and won't do the research for yourself screams loud and clear, "red flag! Red flag!"

On this topic of "women are too picky here/don't want big men/where are they all??"/etc etc. I have thoughts from the last time a guy on FF wrote as much, unprompted, on *my* page, because *I'm* an FFA who's already in a relationship and "how dare I tease big men on here by existing". Buckle up for Feminist Theory Hour *ahem*:

Our culture’s whole focus has always been “man is the subject, woman is the object”/"man is active, woman is passive" (and I'm keeping this heterocentric for now, as this obviously wouldn't apply the same way to non-straight relationships). A man is treated as a full human being whose hard work is rewarded, and women are rewarded for looking pretty in a culture that otherwise hates us and sees us as not having/deserving any agency. Women are seen as the rewards for men acting right/being heroic/etc, i.e. the whole “win the girl” thing- the whole idea that “nice guy syndrome” is rooted in. We're still mired in that mindset from hundreds of years of conditioning, and we have just barely started to progress past it in the last half-century.

Women are instantly and severely slut shamed in our culture, traditionally, for being the ones to *act*, and changing that gender norm- i.e. being the ones to express our sexuality. (Of course we’re also slut shamed even when we’re adhering to that antiquated rule of just being the “object” and just looking “pretty” if we do it TOO well because then that's a form of advancing ourselves, which makes men feel threatened).

Now, combine that with being an FA: openly stating an unconventional sexual preference. What a twist! The reality is there probably ARE a lot more female FA’s in the world, but the world threatens women into containing it and tamping it down as much as possible if they don’t want hell to pay (this applies to any other kink or sexual expression a woman wants outside a very tame, vanilla "norm" ). So BHMs longing for connection specifically with FFAs are left wondering “where are they?” They’re fucking scared, because their culture already hates them enough as it is, and a lot of the time it shapes a LOT of us to hate ourselves even more.

And *you* suddenly want to undo centuries of conditioning because it fits *your* needs?

There's a lot of hard work in front of that. True gender equality is a long ways off but would be a way for us all to one day be able to equally, freely express ourselves and our desires. The men who actually want to help do so by becoming allies-- not just performing as one by telling women "I'm a feminist", but actually doing the research and showing up for the work, getting vocal, interrupting the other men trying to keep things the way they are. (Actually a few great examples of that also in this thread, which is refreshing). The ones that don't just whine like "women are so picky", and pay no attention to the reality of how the patriarchy actually hurts EVERYONE, including themselves.

Above all else, WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING. You EARN a woman's affections. Your entitled attitude is what makes you repulsive to us. And if a girl accepts your entitled attitude, she's setting herself up for harm. You can do better (and benefit yourself in the process if you try hard enough) but first you have to put in the effort and listen.

If you want to mock all that, you can, but you're really only hurting and isolating yourself even further, because everyone else will judge your reaction to it.

I rarely post here and have still managed to meet a few wonderful women.

All the good truisms have been stated already. I’ll just reinforce the fact that it’s helpful not to look for a great ffa, but to look for a great person who happens to be an ffa.

From my own experience

The conversations i have with women are more appealing than ones i have with men, no offence fellas

But the amount of times i get asked "You into bigger guys?" is tiresome, and when they don't get a answer they hopped for they get bitter 🤷🏼‍♀️