Submission and domination

LoraDayton:
for what it's worth, words on the internet are subjective to individual interpretation (most of the time, not always lol) so I hope you understand that I'm trying to offer my responses from a place of empathy and I'm not at all trying to come down on you or anything!

We all deserve casual fun if that's what we want, but it shouldn't be at our expense, which this guy is doing. Regardless of your emotional feelings toward him as a person, it's definitely possible the reason you sought advice from this community is that you still knew something wasn't right about the situation, and it's not. Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, listen to it!

It won't be fun for long and I can't stress enough that continuing to engage with him in that way will only result in pain for everyone, especially for you because you are accepting his behavior. It's not about the infidelity but simply about the way he speaks and behaves about fat people: you already know he does not have respect for us as a whole. Choosing to engage further with him, even and especially "just for fun" leaves less room for genuine engagement with people who actually respect and appreciate fat people.

If you're not doing this for him, you're doing it for you (which is a good thing!!) but what I'm saying is that this is definitely not a good situation for you.

Startnew:
Thanks but really, I think you are overeacting. I was just curious about his attitude. I find sometimes people make mistakes in good faith and probably that's what he is doing. If you grow up in a world where they tell you that making fun of fat people is ok, a mild joke on fb will not seem like a big deal, so probably that's the place he is coming from. But he still likes curvy or even BBWs or he wouldnt talk to me.

As for me wasting my time. I dont want to be the one who is overeacting now, but why assuming I MUST find someone? Being a gf is not for everyone, it can be extremely boring. Some people are happy being single, whereas others just think it's better if it happens naturally rather than us (especially the girls) being on the lookout.

Thanks anyway for your time.

LoraDayton:
I'm going to be blunt: you are putting words into mouths that no one is saying and openly stating you solely want male attention, then coming here asking why a man is giving you half-assed attention. No one is "over reacting" eg there is no outward pouring of emotion here. You are placing your need for validation onto the shoulders of men who will not even validate themselves. This is bad for you, objectively.

I never said anything about anyone *having* to be in a relationsihp; I literally validated the fact that you don't have to be. But respect is STILL the foundation of *any* interaction with someone regardless of its depth and you WILL get hurt if you do not accept that standard for yourself.

You are hurting yourself now by refusing to listen to what people are telling you. You are still shouldering the responsibility for this married dude who is fatphobic and reading into actions and between lines for him and excusing his behavior. You are doing his emotional labor for him because that distracts you from doing yours for yourself. You asked for advice and you got it, but it's not hte advice you want. Because it's not advice you want, it's validation. They aren't the same thing.

Just because his behavior may have reasons, valid or not, doesn't excuse his actions and how they can and do harm you. It doesn't give him permission to treat you that way and yet that's exactly what you're doing.

That's your choice. I am just pointing out that it WILL harm you.

Startnew:
Thanks but really, I think you are overeacting. I was just curious about his attitude. I find sometimes people make mistakes in good faith and probably that's what he is doing. If you grow up in a world where they tell you that making fun of fat people is ok, a mild joke on fb will not seem like a big deal, so probably that's the place he is coming from. But he still likes curvy or even BBWs or he wouldnt talk to me.

As for me wasting my time. I dont want to be the one who is overeacting now, but why assuming I MUST find someone? Being a gf is not for everyone, it can be extremely boring. Some people are happy being single, whereas others just think it's better if it happens naturally rather than us (especially the girls) being on the lookout.

Thanks anyway for your time.

LoraDayton:
I'm going to be blunt: you are putting words into mouths that no one is saying and openly stating you solely want male attention, then coming here asking why a man is giving you half-assed attention. No one is "over reacting" eg there is no outward pouring of emotion here. You are placing your need for validation onto the shoulders of men who will not even validate themselves. This is bad for you, objectively.

I never said anything about anyone *having* to be in a relationsihp; I literally validated the fact that you don't have to be. But respect is STILL the foundation of *any* interaction with someone regardless of its depth and you WILL get hurt if you do not accept that standard for yourself.

You are hurting yourself now by refusing to listen to what people are telling you. You are still shouldering the responsibility for this married dude who is fatphobic and reading into actions and between lines for him and excusing his behavior. You are doing his emotional labor for him because that distracts you from doing yours for yourself. You asked for advice and you got it, but it's not hte advice you want. Because it's not advice you want, it's validation. They aren't the same thing.

Just because his behavior may have reasons, valid or not, doesn't excuse his actions and how they can and do harm you. It doesn't give him permission to treat you that way and yet that's exactly what you're doing.

That's your choice. I am just pointing out that it WILL harm you.

Startnew:
Look Lora, I dont understand why this is warming you up so much. I never said I "solely wanted male attention" but even if I did, so what? Nothing wrong with that. That's not even what I said, however. I just said it would be interesting to get a male perspective too.

Second, you are the one deciding this "WILL hurt me" and that it will "prevent me from finding the right guy", when in fact I am not looking for any guy at all.

Third, you havent even read what he writes. How would you like people to judge your erotica novels without reading them, just because someone who judges so much cant have fun and erotica is supposed to be fun? Or telling yiu that, because of your negativity, you are just fooling yourself into believing you are happy with your size, which is what you claim on your profile?

Gee, you are giving this guy a lot more attention I do. I never thought it was his responsibility to validate my self-esteem. I dont even care what he thinks. I was just curious. Didnt think you would resent my curiosity so much. May I be blunt too? You sound jealous. I am not surprised tho, cause often girls are the ones bodyshaming other girls. It's no wonder people talk about "catty" behavior. Maybe you should write a novel about it.

Startnew:
Look Lora, I dont understand why this is warming you up so much. I never said I "solely wanted male attention" but even if I did, so what? Nothing wrong with that. That's not even what I said, however. I just said it would be interesting to get a male perspective too.

Startnew:
Second, you are the one deciding this "WILL hurt me" and that it will "prevent me from finding the right guy", when in fact I am not looking for any guy at all.

Startnew:
Third, you havent even read what he writes. How would you like people to judge your erotica novels without reading them, just because someone who judges so much cant have fun and erotica is supposed to be fun? Or telling yiu that, because of your negativity, you are just fooling yourself into believing you are happy with your size, which is what you claim on your profile?

Gee, you are giving this guy a lot more attention I do.

Startnew:
There is this guy I am in touch with on fb, who is just gorgeous. And he seems to like me too: he always likes my pix and sometimes we even sext, although it's more about exchanging flirty messages. However, when commenting fb posts on random groups, he will crack the occasional fat joke, not about me or at anyone else 's expenses, just in general. Ofc, he is married to a really thin girl, but I dont resent him for that. People may fall in love for different reasons and anyway he lives abroad. I am just wondering what could motivate a guy to act with such a lack of consistency. Mind you, my pix are recent and unfiltered because I want people to see the real ME, so he certainly noticed I am a BBW. How can you like some characteristics and at the same time make fun of them? I have slight preference for short guys, but I am nit tempted to make fun of them

Munchies:
Girl. This man is traaaaaaash. Don't waste your precious time on him.

He's a married man stepping out on his wife with a woman he doesn't even respect.

Let it go. Let it ride. Find someone else who will love and respect you. Don't settle for the first guy who pays you attention, because not all attention is good. Love yourself, girl.

Startnew:
I dont know, maybe there is something about my post implying I have feelings for him, but it seems to me you guys are kinda overeacting. He is married and we exchanged a few flirty messages. Then I found out he made a few mild fat jokes. Not at my expense, just in general. I think you guys are seeing this under a very dramatic light. Hope I'll get less raged opinions.

As for him being married: I am not overjoyed about it, but it's just harmless fun

Munchies:
Ah. I see what's going on here. You're looking for validation.

You feel insecure about your looks, and he makes you feel pretty. You feel like he's the only one that can make you feel this way, so instead of looking for some so-called harmless fun with a single guy, you want to stick with him.

There's just one problem - he's a walking red flag. You've been ignoring a lot of it. However, you can't ignore the fatphobic comments. Why? Because those threaten the fantasy world that you've constructed for yourself. It turns you into his dirty little secret, and you don't want to deal with it.

So, you come to this site hoping people will pet your hand and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Instead, three different women are telling you to leave this man altogether.

You don't want to leave him. You want to stay with him because you've caught feelings for this man. You're right. You don't love him. Because if you did, you wouldn't cling to him so. No, you are in lust and denial. That's why you are rejecting the advice of one gender and are hoping that another gender will tell you what you want to hear.

Startnew:
Look Lora, I dont understand why this is warming you up so much. I never said I "solely wanted male attention" but even if I did, so what? Nothing wrong with that. That's not even what I said, however. I just said it would be interesting to get a male perspective too.

Startnew:
Second, you are the one deciding this "WILL hurt me" and that it will "prevent me from finding the right guy", when in fact I am not looking for any guy at all.

Startnew:
Third, you havent even read what he writes. How would you like people to judge your erotica novels without reading them, just because someone who judges so much cant have fun and erotica is supposed to be fun? Or telling yiu that, because of your negativity, you are just fooling yourself into believing you are happy with your size, which is what you claim on your profile?

Gee, you are giving this guy a lot more attention I do.

LoraDayton:
Well well well, there it is. The whataboutism. Fishing for details in another person's profile - which is not a representation of them as a whole person - to personally insult them because you don't like what they have to say.

I understand that this feedback isn't pleasant to receive. But I've never insulted you, and it's interesting that you're accusing me of giving your guy more attention than you have, when no one here would know he'd exist if you didn't bring it up. And, really, it's you who is getting the attention.

I wonder why, when you receive feedback you don't like, you then resort to personal attacks on others?

The only person being negative here, is you. Everyone else, even though it may not feel like it, are being supportive. Or trying to be. But the line is drawn when you choose to lash out about things you have not tried to understand.

Nobody here is upset about anything, except you.

Startnew:
Thanks but really, I think you are overeacting. I was just curious about his attitude. I find sometimes people make mistakes in good faith and probably that's what he is doing. If you grow up in a world where they tell you that making fun of fat people is ok, a mild joke on fb will not seem like a big deal, so probably that's the place he is coming from. But he still likes curvy or even BBWs or he wouldnt talk to me.

As for me wasting my time. I dont want to be the one who is overeacting now, but why assuming I MUST find someone? Being a gf is not for everyone, it can be extremely boring. Some people are happy being single, whereas others just think it's better if it happens naturally rather than us (especially the girls) being on the lookout.

Thanks anyway for your time.

LoraDayton:
I'm going to be blunt: you are putting words into mouths that no one is saying and openly stating you solely want male attention, then coming here asking why a man is giving you half-assed attention. No one is "over reacting" eg there is no outward pouring of emotion here. You are placing your need for validation onto the shoulders of men who will not even validate themselves. This is bad for you, objectively.

I never said anything about anyone *having* to be in a relationsihp; I literally validated the fact that you don't have to be. But respect is STILL the foundation of *any* interaction with someone regardless of its depth and you WILL get hurt if you do not accept that standard for yourself.

You are hurting yourself now by refusing to listen to what people are telling you. You are still shouldering the responsibility for this married dude who is fatphobic and reading into actions and between lines for him and excusing his behavior. You are doing his emotional labor for him because that distracts you from doing yours for yourself. You asked for advice and you got it, but it's not hte advice you want. Because it's not advice you want, it's validation. They aren't the same thing.

Just because his behavior may have reasons, valid or not, doesn't excuse his actions and how they can and do harm you. It doesn't give him permission to treat you that way and yet that's exactly what you're doing.

That's your choice. I am just pointing out that it WILL harm you.

Startnew:
Look Lora, I dont understand why this is warming you up so much. I never said I "solely wanted male attention" but even if I did, so what? Nothing wrong with that. That's not even what I said, however. I just said it would be interesting to get a male perspective too.

Second, you are the one deciding this "WILL hurt me" and that it will "prevent me from finding the right guy", when in fact I am not looking for any guy at all.

Third, you havent even read what he writes. How would you like people to judge your erotica novels without reading them, just because someone who judges so much cant have fun and erotica is supposed to be fun? Or telling yiu that, because of your negativity, you are just fooling yourself into believing you are happy with your size, which is what you claim on your profile?

Gee, you are giving this guy a lot more attention I do. I never thought it was his responsibility to validate my self-esteem. I dont even care what he thinks. I was just curious. Didnt think you would resent my curiosity so much. May I be blunt too? You sound jealous. I am not surprised tho, cause often girls are the ones bodyshaming other girls. It's no wonder people talk about "catty" behavior. Maybe you should write a novel about it.

Munchies:
Wow. The copium is strong. You took an internet stranger's earnest plea to check yourself before you wreck yourself, and you lash out and insult them. It's sad. She was being so nice and polite to you too.

You are a messy, messy person. You and the married dude deserve each other.

Startnew:
There is this guy I am in touch with on fb, who is just gorgeous. And he seems to like me too: he always likes my pix and sometimes we even sext, although it's more about exchanging flirty messages. However, when commenting fb posts on random groups, he will crack the occasional fat joke, not about me or at anyone else 's expenses, just in general. Ofc, he is married to a really thin girl, but I dont resent him for that. People may fall in love for different reasons and anyway he lives abroad. I am just wondering what could motivate a guy to act with such a lack of consistency. Mind you, my pix are recent and unfiltered because I want people to see the real ME, so he certainly noticed I am a BBW. How can you like some characteristics and at the same time make fun of them? I have slight preference for short guys, but I am nit tempted to make fun of them

Munchies:
Girl. This man is traaaaaaash. Don't waste your precious time on him.

He's a married man stepping out on his wife with a woman he doesn't even respect.

Let it go. Let it ride. Find someone else who will love and respect you. Don't settle for the first guy who pays you attention, because not all attention is good. Love yourself, girl.

Startnew:
I dont know, maybe there is something about my post implying I have feelings for him, but it seems to me you guys are kinda overeacting. He is married and we exchanged a few flirty messages. Then I found out he made a few mild fat jokes. Not at my expense, just in general. I think you guys are seeing this under a very dramatic light. Hope I'll get less raged opinions.

As for him being married: I am not overjoyed about it, but it's just harmless fun

Munchies:
Ah. I see what's going on here. You're looking for validation.

You feel insecure about your looks, and he makes you feel pretty. You feel like he's the only one that can make you feel this way, so instead of looking for some so-called harmless fun with a single guy, you want to stick with him.

There's just one problem - he's a walking red flag. You've been ignoring a lot of it. However, you can't ignore the fatphobic comments. Why? Because those threaten the fantasy world that you've constructed for yourself. It turns you into his dirty little secret, and you don't want to deal with it.

So, you come to this site hoping people will pet your hand and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Instead, three different women are telling you to leave this man altogether.

You don't want to leave him. You want to stay with him because you've caught feelings for this man. You're right. You don't love him. Because if you did, you wouldn't cling to him so. No, you are in lust and denial. That's why you are rejecting the advice of one gender and are hoping that another gender will tell you what you want to hear.

Startnew:
Insecure??? You are the one hiding, I posted lots of pix showing proudly my body to anyone who wants to see it.

Needing validation? Read what I just wrote. How would you feel if someone assumed you feel the need to feed your man because you are insecure and want to level him down to you?

Advice is advice, being all catty and jealous and trying to undermine someine else's self esteem is what you are trying to do now. When people mean well, they accept gracefully their advice might not be received. They dont start screaming: ooooh but you are looking for validation!!! Dont you dare projecting your own insecurities on me. I am not the one hiding behind a typewriter.

Startnew:
I only read your profile because I wanted to get a better feeling of where yiu were coming from with all of your preconceptions. And I think I know now. All that need to reaffirm that you are confident, when it should be a given, all the assumptions about my own self-esteem... lots of projection going on here. Good luck with your writing, hope it gets better.

LoraDayton:
I'm going to be blunt: you are putting words into mouths that no one is saying and openly stating you solely want male attention, then coming here asking why a man is giving you half-assed attention. No one is "over reacting" eg there is no outward pouring of emotion here. You are placing your need for validation onto the shoulders of men who will not even validate themselves. This is bad for you, objectively.

I never said anything about anyone *having* to be in a relationsihp; I literally validated the fact that you don't have to be. But respect is STILL the foundation of *any* interaction with someone regardless of its depth and you WILL get hurt if you do not accept that standard for yourself.

You are hurting yourself now by refusing to listen to what people are telling you. You are still shouldering the responsibility for this married dude who is fatphobic and reading into actions and between lines for him and excusing his behavior. You are doing his emotional labor for him because that distracts you from doing yours for yourself. You asked for advice and you got it, but it's not hte advice you want. Because it's not advice you want, it's validation. They aren't the same thing.

Just because his behavior may have reasons, valid or not, doesn't excuse his actions and how they can and do harm you. It doesn't give him permission to treat you that way and yet that's exactly what you're doing.

That's your choice. I am just pointing out that it WILL harm you.

Startnew:
Look Lora, I dont understand why this is warming you up so much. I never said I "solely wanted male attention" but even if I did, so what? Nothing wrong with that. That's not even what I said, however. I just said it would be interesting to get a male perspective too.

Second, you are the one deciding this "WILL hurt me" and that it will "prevent me from finding the right guy", when in fact I am not looking for any guy at all.

Third, you havent even read what he writes. How would you like people to judge your erotica novels without reading them, just because someone who judges so much cant have fun and erotica is supposed to be fun? Or telling yiu that, because of your negativity, you are just fooling yourself into believing you are happy with your size, which is what you claim on your profile?

Gee, you are giving this guy a lot more attention I do. I never thought it was his responsibility to validate my self-esteem. I dont even care what he thinks. I was just curious. Didnt think you would resent my curiosity so much. May I be blunt too? You sound jealous. I am not surprised tho, cause often girls are the ones bodyshaming other girls. It's no wonder people talk about "catty" behavior. Maybe you should write a novel about it.

Munchies:
Wow. The copium is strong. You took an internet stranger's earnest plea to check yourself before you wreck yourself, and you lash out and insult them. It's sad. She was being so nice and polite to you too.

You are a messy, messy person. You and the married dude deserve each other.

Startnew:
Girls, you make me laugh. Coupling to bully a girl for the sake of women's rights on a website like this, calling her a mess and the like. You are funnier than SNL. You are right, I get what I deserve: a beautiful guy whom I am getting naughty with. Wonder why that makes YOU feel uncomfortable