General

There‘s two sides for me: being attracted to big women and having fun gaining weight myself.
The preference for curvy girls has always been there for as long as I can remember.
The desire to gain weight myself is a different story. This sort of comes and goes. I realize though that over the last couple of years, the periods when I wanted my gut to grow and actively gained became longer and the periods when I didn’t care or even lost weight became shorter.
Others said that it’s like you flipped a switch. That’s so true. I could go for months not caring for weight gain and even be losing weight and being glad that my clothes still fit and then maybe after a couple of good meals and a slight unintentional gain I suddenly rediscover the fun of gaining. And then I‘ll go again So yes: it may come and go but never leave

I agree I don't think it "goes" I think ot just gets ignored or neglected sometimes

It never goes away lol. I took a break from gaining back in 2016 and then it came creeping back in early 2020 before the pandemic. I got a bad reaction to something at work, and had to use steroid cream which made me gain a bunch of weight and it reminded me that I love the feeling of getting fatter. :V

For months, I was working on my diet, wanting back to a healthier lifestyle, wanted back control, wanted to fit in my old pants, looking conventionally attractive - leave it all behind.

And I achieved that - almost. Just when I thought I had it all under control and smooth sailing ahead, almost at the first milestone I set myself, it hit me like a steamhammer again.

It was in a store and the moment I flipped and just bought tons of stuff I was avoiding so cautiously before and got a tingling sensation all over my body.

I tried to dismiss it as a cheating day, but I‘m not let off that easy. It‘s like I‘m getting off of sabotaging my diet and effort. Like I have an inner Feeder who mocks me. I‘m almost giggling at the future clarity-me fully knowing the feeling of regret and having to deal with the damage done.

The sad part is, I‘m always in the position where I want the opposite and I just thought I had defeated that aspect in my life.

In any case, the last gainer cycle had an abnormaly long duration and I went further like before with HC, nuts and the subcutaneous fat I wanted so badly really gave me trouble when I tried losing it.

I've tried to shake it before. I was 370 pounds, and my doctor nudged me to lose weight. I enjoyed my size and liked the way I looked, but I thought losing would give me more energy and stamina and help me avoid obesity-relayed health issues. So I dug in. I got all the way down to the 190s, I closed all my accounts on the sites, and I avoided anything related to weight gain and fat. It didn't work. I felt like I was stuck in a stranger's body. I missed the feeling of a fat heavy belly. I missed touching a huge gut covering my thighs as I sat. I missed my general heaviness and the way my fat shifted as I walked. To literally try to fill that space, I started inflating, and I chugged diet, calorie-free soda every chance I got. I eventually was consuming at least 6 l of diet soda every single night. It helped, but it didn't satisfy the longing I felt for a bigger body. Eventually, I gave in. A lot of friends thought my partner had something to do with my regain, and he definitely is a feeder, but I was driving force, and he was supportive, just like he was when I recently took a gaining break. 2 and a half years and 240 lb later, I've never loved my body more. I'm at my fattest ever, and I'm back to gaining again. Barring some kind of medical situation that necessitates the change, I don't imagine I'll ever lose another pound.

Not to sound bleak, but feedism reminds me of that show Dexter.. not the whole murdering part, lol, but in it he refers to his urges as his 'dark passenger', & I tend to agree to a point. Without going too far into details, I committed myself to a weight loss journey this year.. had back issues, wanted that sorted, so I sucked it up when I moved and full sent a lifestyle change.

Even then, however, the voice in the back of my mind has never once disappeared or quieted. In fact, as I lost weight, the louder it got about how I disliked these changes. I enjoy being big, the heft, the jiggles. To the point where I daily question just giving in & 'full sending' the other direction, barring keeping my back in check with exercise.

Lol.. at this point, I suppose I'm just trying to find a happy middle ground. Where can I maintain a grasp on what I *want* and what I *need* & I guess that's as much as any of us can do. The unfortunate fact of life is rarely do those two points ever cleanly cross.

I love your connection to Dexter here, though I don't see it as a "dark" passenger - it's more of a truth about myself that is constantly ringing. Sometimes the bells are soft - other times really loud- but it's always a calling to my authentic self that becomes like an "alternate me".

You've illuminated the problem with Feederism very clearly here. Maybe the problem with life in general. It's probably best to compromise but then the big winners in life often don't compromise, they maximise.

You're still very fat and your back is a lot better. To maximise this you'd continue to strength your back in order to still be strong whilst you gain more weight.

You looked fantastic at 400lbs, imagine getting over 400 but with your back feeling as good as it does now.

Your weight is likely to pile on again so it would be wise to keep with the exercises.

Out of curiosity, do you have similar interest on guys that want to fatten up (but aren't quite there yet)?

For me the fetish only goes dormant now and then. I only gave into it once and was only one or two pounds shy of being officially overweight.
My face getting round and the slight double chin I was getting kinda scared me back then...
Right now I am reasonably fit and I really like being active.
But I accepted that I will never stop being a feedee. I still think about overeating and gaining huge amounts of weight quite often....