Gaining

Letters And Numbers:
That's like Puritan level thought policing.

Munchies:
There's nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies - even if they are unusual ones. But like ... consent is sexy. And if you don't have their consent, then maybe don't sexualize them.

Greentrees8733:
Totally understandable that the experience you described would feel violating.

I’m just not convinced fantasizing about others constitutes a violation of consent. I’m willing to be convinced otherwise, but here’s my take, featuring good ol’ Alice and Bob:

Alice’s thoughts about Bob are not actually Bob. Bob himself isn’t actually involved in Alice’s private thoughts about Bob, so there’s nothing for him to consent to (or not). Alice’s thoughts (about anything) are part of Alice. As an autonomous person, I would think Alice is the only one with any say over her own private thoughts.

Put another way, I don’t think fantasizing about guys as a teenager makes you “guilty” of anything. I just don’t see how private thoughts have any moral weight. Like, what harm did you do, or risk doing?

Sharing them is different, though. Sharing impacts others, so their consent is relevant. But that’s kind of OT for this reply.

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Side note: OP does say “I couldn’t keep my eyes off her” which (given the voyeuristic style of the post) kinda sounds like an inappropriate/potentially violating amount of staring, but that’s a separate issue from fantasizing being a violation of consent.

Munchies:
As a man thinks, so does he do.

I'm not saying fantasizing about people means you're going to actually do the thing. But it does color what you do in reality. The extent depends on what you conciously check yourself on, but it's never 100%.

Like, if a woman's boss fantasizes about her sexually, or a woman fantasizes about her best friend's husband, can we say it's not going to color their interactions with the object of their desire?

Remember, the issue isn't the kinks so much as the object of your desires.

Letters And Numbers:
That's like Puritan level thought policing.

Munchies:
There's nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies - even if they are unusual ones. But like ... consent is sexy. And if you don't have their consent, then maybe don't sexualize them.

Greentrees8733:
Totally understandable that the experience you described would feel violating.

I’m just not convinced fantasizing about others constitutes a violation of consent. I’m willing to be convinced otherwise, but here’s my take, featuring good ol’ Alice and Bob:

Alice’s thoughts about Bob are not actually Bob. Bob himself isn’t actually involved in Alice’s private thoughts about Bob, so there’s nothing for him to consent to (or not). Alice’s thoughts (about anything) are part of Alice. As an autonomous person, I would think Alice is the only one with any say over her own private thoughts.

Put another way, I don’t think fantasizing about guys as a teenager makes you “guilty” of anything. I just don’t see how private thoughts have any moral weight. Like, what harm did you do, or risk doing?

Sharing them is different, though. Sharing impacts others, so their consent is relevant. But that’s kind of OT for this reply.

---

Side note: OP does say “I couldn’t keep my eyes off her” which (given the voyeuristic style of the post) kinda sounds like an inappropriate/potentially violating amount of staring, but that’s a separate issue from fantasizing being a violation of consent.

Munchies:
As a man thinks, so does he do.

I'm not saying fantasizing about people means you're going to actually do the thing. But it does color what you do in reality. The extent depends on what you conciously check yourself on, but it's never 100%.

Like, if a woman's boss fantasizes about her sexually, or a woman fantasizes about her best friend's husband, can we say it's not going to color their interactions with the object of their desire?

Remember, the issue isn't the kinks so much as the object of your desires.

Letters And Numbers:
That's like Puritan level thought policing.

Nok:
I don't think that's what she meant (Munchies, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)

At least, the way I read it is not that it's immoral, so much as potentially damaging to your behavior with people. Like, fantasizing about someone doesn't make you a bad person, but it's good to remember that it can and likely will color your interactions with that person (or generic group of people). The mind is recursive - what you think affects how you think.

Letters And Numbers:
That's like Puritan level thought policing.

Munchies:
How so?

Greentrees8733:
Similarly, Morbidly A Beast, you’re also addressing a morality angle, right? Like it’s morally okay to feel attraction, but not fetishize? I think that’s what I’m reading, but I just want to double check.

Morbidly A Beast:
Of course it’s ok to feel attraction. Attractions aren’t fetishes. No one says straight men have a fetish for women lol. But yes. However it is more about it just being kinda cringe I see it all the time in these spaces and it’s just kinda meh to me.

Letters And Numbers:
That's like Puritan level thought policing.

Munchies:
How so?

Letters And Numbers:
It seems like you’re trolling.

AskDrFeeder:
I know, let's put everyone in burkas so we can't fantasize about them even if we want to!

Greentrees8733:
Similarly, Morbidly A Beast, you’re also addressing a morality angle, right? Like it’s morally okay to feel attraction, but not fetishize? I think that’s what I’m reading, but I just want to double check.

Morbidly A Beast:
Of course it’s ok to feel attraction. Attractions aren’t fetishes. No one says straight men have a fetish for women lol. But yes. However it is more about it just being kinda cringe I see it all the time in these spaces and it’s just kinda meh to me.