Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Joined 18 years

Munchies:
Are you in community with any minority groups? I am genuinely curious.

I'm Jewish, bi, and diagnosed on the spectrum. Yes, I've been on the receiving end of anti-Semitic and ableist comments before. It's not something I'm vocal about because I don't want it to affect how people perceive me, whether that's for better or worse.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Munchies:
Are you in community with any minority groups? I am genuinely curious.

Malvineous:
I'm Jewish, bi, and diagnosed on the spectrum. Yes, I've been on the receiving end of anti-Semitic and ableist comments before. It's not something I'm vocal about because I don't want it to affect how people perceive me, whether that's for better or worse.

Suddenly things are making more sense.

No shade my guy, but not all of us jive with the whole lay low and play it safe. This is especially true for people like me, whose minority status is visible for all to see. I'm dark-skinned with natural hair. I have to deal with this mess all the time irl and online. I've decided I love myself too much to tolerate people who aren't treating me like a person.

And since I won't tolerate it for myself, I'm not tolerating it for other people.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Malvineous

Joined 18 years

Munchies:
Suddenly things are making more sense.

No shade my guy, but not all of us jive with the whole lay low and play it safe. This is especially true for people like me, whose minority status is visible for all to see. I'm dark-skinned with natural hair. I have to deal with this mess all the time irl and online. I've decided I love myself too much to tolerate people who aren't treating me like a person.

And since I won't tolerate it for myself, I'm not tolerating it for other people.

Huh, you must have really misunderstood me.

I never compared myself to you, nor assumed we have a similar experience online, nor insinuated that everyone else should feel the same as me about their minority status. I don't agree with any of those statements. I don't think you should tolerate people who don't treat you like a person, in fact I said people who target and harass others deserve the response they get. My point revolved solely around false positives, i.e. people who are actually innocent of what they're being accused of. I think this might be a good illustration actually. I must have miscommunicated somewhere, because it seems like you think I'm making arguments for positions I don't actually agree with. This kind of thing can easily happen in online discussions. Plus I'm exhausted, so that may be contributing.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Munchies:
Suddenly things are making more sense.

No shade my guy, but not all of us jive with the whole lay low and play it safe. This is especially true for people like me, whose minority status is visible for all to see. I'm dark-skinned with natural hair. I have to deal with this mess all the time irl and online. I've decided I love myself too much to tolerate people who aren't treating me like a person.

And since I won't tolerate it for myself, I'm not tolerating it for other people.

Malvineous:
Huh, you must have really misunderstood me.

I never compared myself to you, nor assumed we have a similar experience online, nor insinuated that everyone else should feel the same as me about their minority status. I don't agree with any of those statements. I don't think you should tolerate people who don't treat you like a person, in fact I said people who target and harass others deserve the response they get. My point revolved solely around false positives, i.e. people who are actually innocent of what they're being accused of. I think this might be a good illustration actually. I must have miscommunicated somewhere, because it seems like you think I'm making arguments for positions I don't actually agree with. This kind of thing can easily happen in online discussions. Plus I'm exhausted, so that may be contributing.

I'm referring to this statement here:

The only problem I see is in the grey areas where what someone says isn't anywhere near close to that, but some people feel inclined to start dogpiling anyway because they have a personal zero tolerance policy toward anything that smells of bigotry or what they interpret as dog whistles, even if that wasn't actually the person's intent. I've personally seen quite a few cases like that happen too. I think in general it's just a good policy for people to err on the side of civility and take people at their word unless proven otherwise. Even if I strongly suspect someone is arguing in bad faith, I will usually try to give a genuine response anyway.

I think you have a misunderstanding about how bigotry works. A lot of times, people will say bigoted things without realizing what they are saying is bad. Sometimes, they'll say something they think is a compliment or a joke but is actually deeply harmful.

Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can explain why what they said was harmful, and they will apologize and learn from it. But most of the time, they'll minimize or dismiss what you're saying. And if you push the issue, it's common for them to go mask off and say something really bigoted.

Now, I have seen well-meaning people accuse someone of bigotry when they weren't being bigoted. However, that is rare. In the two years I've been on this site, I can count the number of "false positives" on one hand. And, once again, not understanding why something is bigoted isn't a "false positive."

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Morbidly A Beast

Joined 2 years

If you look through the threads what happens is pretty obvious, and it’s not hard to figure out what occurs. Someone goes off the goop and says something insensitive they get called on it then rather than owning up to it and saying I messed up they double down and it spirals from there.

I just like to clown people I made a sarcastic mocking statement and a dude took that to go on a little dark age tik tok edit about how the west was falling nonsense. asking people to be decent human beings is to much sometimes

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Morbidly A Beast:
If you look through the threads what happens is pretty obvious, and it’s not hard to figure out what occurs. Someone goes off the goop and says something insensitive they get called on it then rather than owning up to it and saying I messed up they double down and it spirals from there.

I just like to clown people I made a sarcastic mocking statement and a dude took that to go on a little dark age tik tok edit about how the west was falling nonsense. asking people to be decent human beings is to much sometimes

Oh God, I remember that one. It was wild.

Everyone goofs up. Even I've said things unintentionally messed up. To err is human. But what's important is how you respond to criticism.

Do you take the time to listen and learn? Or do you insist you've done nothing wrong ever and quadruple down?

I've seen users get blasted for bad takes before. The ones who didn't mean to be bigoted always apologize and ask how they can be better. When that happens, any drama dies down, and everyone's chill.

It's nice.

But when people quadruple down, it gets really toxic really quickly.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Enas

Joined 3 years

Morbidly A Beast:
If you look through the threads what happens is pretty obvious, and it’s not hard to figure out what occurs. Someone goes off the goop and says something insensitive they get called on it then rather than owning up to it and saying I messed up they double down and it spirals from there.

I just like to clown people I made a sarcastic mocking statement and a dude took that to go on a little dark age tik tok edit about how the west was falling nonsense. asking people to be decent human beings is to much sometimes

That, ironically, is a self fulfilling prophecy!! O.o

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Plump Belly To Curvy

Joined 3 years

A related point, though I wouldn't imagine it would be reason to lock a post, is remember the name and purpose of this site. Fantasy Feeder.

Please don't buzzkill on people's fantasies unless they would be harmful, dangerous, or illegal (in which case the post should probably be removed). We have a lot of feeder info and fantasies, but I've seen some fun ones get shut down by practicalities which may or may not be valid. Sometimes people may just want to imagine. If they want realities, they can ask for that.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Plump Belly To Curvy:
A related point, though I wouldn't imagine it would be reason to lock a post, is remember the name and purpose of this site. Fantasy Feeder.

Please don't buzzkill on people's fantasies unless they would be harmful, dangerous, or illegal (in which case the post should probably be removed). We have a lot of feeder info and fantasies, but I've seen some fun ones get shut down by practicalities which may or may not be valid. Sometimes people may just want to imagine. If they want realities, they can ask for that.

Eeeeeeehhhhhh

I feel like you and I have very different realities. Generally speaking, people post their fantasies in peace on here. You might get a handful of people posting "don't do this" but that's it. There are threads on here about topics the majority of users find distastful, but nearly everyone leaves them alone.

I've seen some fizzle out over time, but they are still very much unlocked.

With that said, sometimes people post things that need to be checked. The most common ones are when the inital post appears as if the user is actually doing something messed up in reality. Then, when they get checked on it, they claim it was just a fantasy.

No one believes them when this happens.

Another one, and this is the kind I often check, are those where someone fantasies about a fattening method that someone else might try. Even if the original poster has no plans to do it, someone will take it as advise. And I know this because I get DMs from time to time thanking me because they planned on trying something until I debunked it.

The last one that tends to get checked are the ones riddled with bigotry like fatphobia, misogyny, racism, homophobia, or transphobia.

Other than that? People are left in peace.

9 months

Why are so many discussions getting locked?

Malvineous

Joined 18 years

Munchies:
I think you have a misunderstanding about how bigotry works. A lot of times, people will say bigoted things without realizing what they are saying is bad. Sometimes, they'll say something they think is a compliment or a joke but is actually deeply harmful.

Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can explain why what they said was harmful, and they will apologize and learn from it. But most of the time, they'll minimize or dismiss what you're saying. And if you push the issue, it's common for them to go mask off and say something really bigoted.

Now, I have seen well-meaning people accuse someone of bigotry when they weren't being bigoted. However, that is rare. In the two years I've been on this site, I can count the number of "false positives" on one hand. And, once again, not understanding why something is bigoted isn't a "false positive."

I see where you're coming from, but one thing I've noticed is that most people seem to be completely incapable of handling criticism on any level, even if it's constructive. Not just about bigotry, but pretty much anything. It's totally possible that someone starts off well-intentioned, is told that they said something offensive, and then their kneejerk reaction is to defend their honor tooth and nail against a false accusation in their eyes. I guess I see people's defensiveness as being more of a personality problem than an opinion problem if that makes sense, and I do feel more inclined to grant some leeway to someone who just put their foot in their mouth without thinking though what they said. Of course it really depends on a case by case basis and how inflammatory they become. There's also ways to bring it to their attention that are more likely to make them listen to you, like saying "Just so you're aware, there are a lot of people who are hurt when people say X because of Y reason", instead of trying to dunk on them or be sarcastic or condescending. If they still want to argue after being that nice about it, then you really do know where they stand.

9 months