Never in my wildest dreams or fantasy did i imagine i would end up like this.
I have struggled with gaining, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have almost completely accepted that this is how i am for the rest of my life and plan to reach my LAST goal weight within the year. 400 lbs
I like several things about my body. 1. everything about me is soft. My lower stomach feels softer than a breast and its smooth and cool.
the feeling of being so full that i cant move at all is erotic. its hard to get to this point by myself though.
shame - as much as it disgusts me to admit this.. there is a part of me that feels the need to be shamed. the way people look at me sometimes makes me wither , especially people who knew the before me. whispers about how i need to... eat a salad... push away from the table... mooo...pop... so many hurt on multiple levels but also excite me. which makes me feel worse.
About a week ago i went to a MS transition ceremony. It was a small class of about 250 students about to move from MS to HS.
We were almost late and had to sit near the front which meant walking down in front of all those people right as the music played for them to walk in.
My BFF laughed at me and how i looked. she took a pic of me while we stood up and turned to see them all walk in. Her son was in the group of graduates. she sent the pic she took of me to me and i was shocked at how gross i looked in the dress. I couldnt even blame dinner before the ceremony for making me look like a pile of different sizes of michellen tires squeezed into a light green balloon.
I fought back tears through the ceremony as she quietly apologized.. backhanded apologies are the worst.
manage to put on a smile for the kiddo afterward and tried to stear clear of the pics
I have struggled with gaining, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have almost completely accepted that this is how i am for the rest of my life and plan to reach my LAST goal weight within the year. 400 lbs
I like several things about my body. 1. everything about me is soft. My lower stomach feels softer than a breast and its smooth and cool.
the feeling of being so full that i cant move at all is erotic. its hard to get to this point by myself though.
shame - as much as it disgusts me to admit this.. there is a part of me that feels the need to be shamed. the way people look at me sometimes makes me wither , especially people who knew the before me. whispers about how i need to... eat a salad... push away from the table... mooo...pop... so many hurt on multiple levels but also excite me. which makes me feel worse.
About a week ago i went to a MS transition ceremony. It was a small class of about 250 students about to move from MS to HS.
We were almost late and had to sit near the front which meant walking down in front of all those people right as the music played for them to walk in.
My BFF laughed at me and how i looked. she took a pic of me while we stood up and turned to see them all walk in. Her son was in the group of graduates. she sent the pic she took of me to me and i was shocked at how gross i looked in the dress. I couldnt even blame dinner before the ceremony for making me look like a pile of different sizes of michellen tires squeezed into a light green balloon.
I fought back tears through the ceremony as she quietly apologized.. backhanded apologies are the worst.
manage to put on a smile for the kiddo afterward and tried to stear clear of the pics
5 months