Oh boy. I discovered this one rather early on, and I'm pretty sure it had to do with a kid just a couple doors down the road from me. He was from a chubby family, but he was clearly the widest one.He was the same age as I was, to be clear. Now the interesting thing is that I *also* come from a chubby family (and Freud might go arguing that this is because I have an Oedipus complex), but my metabolism has always been rapid.
About this kid though, he never let it weigh him down emotionally. He was always the class clown, his heart was probably bigger than his stomach, and always did things to help out. Most importantly, he knew who he was in terms of size and personality and when playing Pokemon, always pointed to Snorlax as his favorite. I envied him in many ways. In a town full of hatred, he was the only one capable of self-love.
One day during gym class, it was time for us to do the Presidential Fitness mile run. He and I were always the two slowest for speed. I with my tiny legs and he with all the weight he had. During the run, I turned my head to look back just to see how far behind me he was (and possibly just how much time we had left). What I saw was seared into my head: His belly was not only hanging over his pants, it was hypnotizing me with how much it would bounce and ripple. That day, I went home with thinking: How could something that looks so firm when it's still, be so amorphous in motion? And, how is it that when you see round bellies with clothes on, they just look like they stick out, but they actually fall victim to gravity? AND, what part of the body determines that?
I got very scientific with my thoughts and questions. I don't know if this is why I started feeling the way I do. But what I do know is that suddenly all those songs about your heart racing, mind aching, etc. they all made sense from that point forward. But the thing is, I couldn't just use someone for my questions. Of course there was the odd time someone lifted their shirt briefly, but I wanted to try gaining then. Darn my love of baseball and quick metabolism.
There were other things that fueled this. I also saw the Fairly Oddparents episode. The Simpsons helped. But mostly, seeing fat people gain confidence in their size is a huge boon for me. I only wish I can join in that.
I'm now what they call "Clinically overweight". I exercise on a regular basis playing baseball, but my position drains so much energy, I need a ton of food afterward. I'm seeing how my body works now in ways I could only guess at much earlier on. HRT also does wonders for this. It's been quite the journey.
10 months
