General

Do any of you find it annoying when someone ignores you on an IM system? I mean systems like Yahoo, MSN, or AIM. You know the person is there, they are not marked as "busy", and they are not "away". The assumption a logical person would make is that they are open for chat.

And to head off a few people right away, no I am not talking about the creeps that want sex chat and the like. For instance, I usually message a person with something like "Hello. How are you today?" Nothing offensive or that can even be taken the wrong way.

And yet you get no response. You think that maybe they went AFK just recently yet the away message never shows up. And you never hear from them. No message the next day like "Sorry I missed you." Mostly this comes from women (though it can apply to guys as well) and I can understand them being guarded given the creeps on the net, but isn't it just common courtsey to say hello when spoken to if you can if not right then at your earliest convience? Is it so bad out there that you just assume that everyone is out to get you and not just truely being friendly?

I will say that this happens most often with the "famous/high-profile" people you message and I can understand them not always being able to drop everything and respond immediatly as they must get tons of messages, but to NEVER respond to a friendly greeting or inquiry as to how they are doing just seems a bit rude to me. I mean if you had no desire to hear from or respond to your "fans" then why post your contact information?

I do want to say I am sorry if this came across as a rant, but I am one of those people that when I message you I am looking to make a new friend and get to know you with no sinister hidden agenda and when someone contacts me over a messenger or even email I WILL reply to you ASAP and try to get to know you. If you turn out to be a creem THEN I might ignore you but I do not automatically assume that people are scum.

I want to hear some of your thoughts on this subject. Both sides, let me know your reasonings and such.

Only if they do it repeatedly for no apparent reason. If that happens, I usually block them because I'm not a convenience to be dropped in on at their leisure. You don't buy friendship one time only; it's an ongoing investment. If we happen to both be busy, that's fine, but if one tries to talk the least the other could do is drop them a line from time to time. If it only happens from time to time though, I assume they're away.

Well, I figure someone does not want to talk, or talk to me. However, if they are honest, I will remove them from my buddy list. If they ignore me, I'll try again another day. So, if you want less IMs from me, be honest.

Well, I have to say that I expected more polite results than what I found here. The vibe I "feel" from the majority of the responses would be hostile. As in people do not want to be bothered and feel you are invading their space or "assaulting" them by messaging them at times. But I submit that if that is indeed the case then why post your IM names in the first place?

As I said in my original post, I always start a conversation (or should I say ATTEMPTED conversation) by asking how a person is or if they are free and feel like chatting. As Johnxyz said, if you tell me you are busy or just do not want to talk then that is the end of it. I know not to contact you anymore or at least to wait till you let me know you are free. If you ignore me then I am left to assume that you may not have gotten my message and will likely send you more messages in the future that may annoy you, which is not my intention.

In the end, aren't we here to meet other people of like tastes and make new friends? How can we do that if we are not open to meeting new people and in some cases are outright rude to them?

I think one of the problems is people like FemFeedr--hi! ltns! good to see you around --and I are applying older social rules to online communication, which is developing it's own set of social norms over time.

I was surprised by some of winterstocking's list, but I have to agree that you can't presume people have logged on intentionally, or will remember to put 'away' or 'busy' notes up, or that they'll feel comfortable or obliged to write hours or days later.

I think we have to learn to have thicker skins online. And that's a very mixed blessing indeed.

First, I want to thank you all for your views. I wanted an honest and constructive conversation on this point and that is what I have gotten. I understand both sides of this and I do respect them but I have to say that I still lean to the side of what I would call common courtsey.

I understand that sometimes people do not want to be bothered but I think that the lack of face to face contact the internet grants us has given many of us a ticket to shed many of the social skills and norms we take for granted in everyday life. If this "right"? Well, I suppose that is for each person to decide, I suppose it is just an evolutionary step in the online social scene.

Okapi, I see your point about IMs being like a phone but I have to disagree on a few points I feel are very important and relavent. First, I feel IMs are more like answering machines than phones...or maybe voicemail is a more modern parralel (I don't want to date myself too much, I am only 35. hehe). In your phone annalogy one might assume nobody got a message, but with IMs there is a message left go unless the computer rebooted for some reason, if the person does not reply to you then they are CHOOSING to ignore you. This is not to say that their intent is to be rude mind you. Also, the phonebook annalogy is a bit off in that you number is automatically listed by your phone company and made public unless you ask them not to. This is not the case for IM names. You CHOOSE to post your information on websites and forums. Thus I say if you are worried about being contacted by people you don't want to talk to then simply don't post your information or at the very least post saying you prefer a PM first.

I have seen some of you saying that your IM program logs on when you start your computer and logs you in and you may not be there. Now most if not all IM programs will automatically mark you away after a certain peroid of time and I also submit that you can easily configure them not to start and/or log you in when the computer starts. Again, if this is the cash and you get an IM and you see it and don't respond to it you are still CHOOSING to ignore it. Using these reasons as the excuse for not responding is akin to wondering why your house is a target of thivery because you don't know how to lock the doors and set the alarm when you are not there. Again, just to be clear I do not mean this or anything I have said to have an angry or spiteful tone, these are mearly my observations and opinions.

I also want to thank you all for the honest discussion on this topic. I love to hear how other people view things. I especially want to thank Winterstocking, VECT0RMAN, and LadyEjkua for their contributions.

I would rather someone ignore me than chat with me when she does not want to, or is busy. That way, I know if someone is chatting with me, it's because she wants to, and not just doing it because she feels obligated.

I don't remember saying in my last message that you HAD to answer every message. I simply said that by not answering you were CHOOSING to ignore someone. If you only wish to be contacted by your family/friends/co-workers then by all means that is within your rights but I submit that it is also in your control in that you can choose to make the information public or not.

Just an observation on my part, but many people on this thread seem to read this post and become very defensive and hostile. That was not my intent but I find it very sad that this is a subject that generates so much negativity in many of you.

So if you do not want to have a fun conversation in which you might make a new friend then please do not contact me. And if I should dare to send any of you a message to introduce myself in an attempt to get to know you better then please forgive me for intruding into your inner sanctum and ignore me. As others have posted, I suppose I would not want to talk to someone with such negative views of others anyway.

And if anyone takes this or anything else I have said as some sort of "attack" on them I assure you that was not my intention. If you may still feel that way then I apologise. As I said in my original post I just wanted an open and honest discussion and in doing so I may have opened a can of worms for some of you.

At any rate, smile and we will all continue on our merry ways.

Godwin...

I bet you'd answer the Nazis if they sent you an IM though

I think some people have lost the focus of my original statmens or either I was not clear. Let me site some examples of how I behave on IMs to hopefully clear up some things.

Lets assume this is someone I have never talked to before and thus are not in my messenger list. I see them and think I would like to get to know them and chat with them....I also see that they have an IM address posted. I message them (NOTE I said *message* not *add* them as I consider that to be rude) with something along the lines of "Hi, I hope I am not interrupting anything but I saw your profile and thought we had some things in common and I would love to chat and get to know you better. Please feel free to message me back at your earliest convience."

Now the best case scenario here is that I hear back from the person, we chat and get to know one another and become friends and THEN I ask if I may add them to my messenger list. On the chance that the person does not want to chat with me I would appreciate a message back simply saying so. That was I
A. know the person at least got my message for sure
and
B. know not to send this person any further messages and thus avoid the chance of inadvertantly aggrivating them.

Now the other side of this is people that ARE in your messenger list that ignore you. This is annoying to me because these are the people you would logically assume would want to chat with you and not ignore you since you probably have already chatted with them at some point and they had to accept you as a "friend" in the IM program for you to even see them.

I hope these examples clear up MY stand on this. I say my because I can't speak for everyone and everything I have posted is based off my personal observations and opinions. Not once have I stated that anyone owes me anything, I just said that I felt it would be polite if others would at least acknowledge people that tried to contact them one way or another.