General

Check out stuffing and inflation forums. If you prefer keeping weight more than gaining - then it might be your thing.

But still - you could try and see how it feels to you. For example try getting up to 160lbs.. if you find yourself feeling worse about that - then its probably not your thing.
You just need to choose. )

Or maybe you like a process of gaining. I like growing out of clothes too and if it was easy for me - I would consider loosing weight, then refresh wardrobe and gain until I burst out of it. Then repeat...
IMO thats pretty much ok, but might not be healthy... that is yo-yo diets and has certain impact on health if you're concerned much about it.

Tons of people feel conflicted about gaining weight especially if they're new to this type of thing. That's perfectly normal. Binge eating til you're full is also common, whether or not you gain weight because of it depends on how often you do it and what you're eating. There are plenty of people that just like stuffing themselves, but not actually gaining weight.
I do want to say if you truly hate gaining weight and are serious about losing weight, this might not be the best place for it. As with any online community, there is no shortage of ignorant people that won't read/care about what your goals are and you'll get plenty of guys commenting and messaging you telling you to gain weight. That seems to be a common complaint from girls on this site that aren't looking to gain. Just thought you should get a heads up about that.

Let's look at it like this... Being a bit bigger is kinda a taboo in today's world. So of course it makes sense that you have reservations about this to begin with. But there's a deeper interest that was buried beneath that you've stumbled upon, and now you're conflicted upon it, as do many that do find themselves in their initial discovery.

You don't need to gain. Explore the idea's and interests mentally first. Maybe talk about it with some folks here expressing your ideals and concerns.

as for being here, you don't need to gain to be part of the fetish. There's plenty that enjoy stuffing/ bloating to feel bigger then they normally are without the permanent effects of weightgain.