I sometimes think that sex acts as a barometer in a relationship, particularly when that relationship is headed towards going tits up because it’s lost intimacy and stopped meeting important needs for one or both people in it.
Your situation, as I read it, is unbelievably common - if I weren’t such a lazy fuck I’d link to a diagram from a longitudinal relationship satisfaction study, but you’ll have to take my word for it that most are moderate-high, until they have a baby; levels then spend a year plummeting to very low satisfaction. If the couple stays together their mutuel levels of satisfaction steadily rises until it returns to moderate-highly satisfying... in about 18ish years. It also comes with an additional dimension of depth, which I haven’t seen quantified (because I haven’t looked 🤷🏻♀️).
If you want to help me test out a theory, (which you totally should because then it’s for science, which is a noble cause 😉): look into what options are available to you to for relationship and/or couples sex therapies are available to you. Then talk to your wife about what you’ve found, and explain why you began looking for help - because you realised your connection is slipping away and you take that seriously enough to do something about it. That fact is far more important than details of the sexual fantasies currently filling in that void for you. And if I’m right about that, then your wandering eyes/heart may look like they’re about sex, but really both are a result of a more intimate dissatisfaction you’re experiencing. Intimacy is built with vulnerability and acceptance, but getting around to those conversations started when you’re each trying to survive parenting and working? Hella hard and unrealistic for tons of couples to fix on their own.
If you want to try something before you call it quits, make it couple’s counselling. Find a sex+/fetish+ one if you want to talk about sex more openly.
Your situation, as I read it, is unbelievably common - if I weren’t such a lazy fuck I’d link to a diagram from a longitudinal relationship satisfaction study, but you’ll have to take my word for it that most are moderate-high, until they have a baby; levels then spend a year plummeting to very low satisfaction. If the couple stays together their mutuel levels of satisfaction steadily rises until it returns to moderate-highly satisfying... in about 18ish years. It also comes with an additional dimension of depth, which I haven’t seen quantified (because I haven’t looked 🤷🏻♀️).
If you want to help me test out a theory, (which you totally should because then it’s for science, which is a noble cause 😉): look into what options are available to you to for relationship and/or couples sex therapies are available to you. Then talk to your wife about what you’ve found, and explain why you began looking for help - because you realised your connection is slipping away and you take that seriously enough to do something about it. That fact is far more important than details of the sexual fantasies currently filling in that void for you. And if I’m right about that, then your wandering eyes/heart may look like they’re about sex, but really both are a result of a more intimate dissatisfaction you’re experiencing. Intimacy is built with vulnerability and acceptance, but getting around to those conversations started when you’re each trying to survive parenting and working? Hella hard and unrealistic for tons of couples to fix on their own.
If you want to try something before you call it quits, make it couple’s counselling. Find a sex+/fetish+ one if you want to talk about sex more openly.
4 years
