deltajim:
Yeah, I've had kind of similar.
Before I had gained any weight, I used to look at my stomach from the side. If it was convex at all, I would shake my head at myself. I wanted my stomach flat so I wouldn't have to be self conscious at all, especially in front of my parents/siblings.
At the same time, I wanted to be fat too. My parents have always been trying to lose weight, so they have something of an obsession to be skinny. They didn't want their children to struggle with the same weight problems as them, so they encouraged all the kids to be healthy.
On top of that, all the kids have skinny genes, so gaining weight growing up would have been very noticeable. I would've felt super self conscious to gain weight.
Fast forward to today, and my siblings are still skinny (my older brother who's 30 has a very slight belly, but he's be no means fat).
Then there's me. I was always built athletic and fairly muscular, so I had a starting weight of 145. My brothers are probably around 130-135 to this day.
I started intentionally putting on weight (the only way to do it when you're pre-30 with skinny genes). I started to get comments around 180 pounds saying that I looked buff, and that I filled out. Of course, since I was drinking a gallon of milk a day to get to that weight and working out, the new weight had gone mostly to other places besides by belly, to which I was disappointed (I was, and am still going for the ball belly look).
Before long, I was at 200 lbs, where I hovered for a long time. Couldn't seem to put on more weight, but at least my efforts kept me in the 200 lb range. I would also say that this was the weight which I started to have a hard time hiding my belly (my waist was about 40 inches at that point).
I know my family noticed that I was getting fat, but for the most part they didn't say anything. My dad would ask me if I was getting exercise, or hint that I should watch my carbs.
I went away for the summer, expecting to gain 10-20 pounds, but instead I returned at 198 pounds. Disappointing. But my dad commented how good I looked when I returned.
I decided to keep gaining, so I quickly got back over 200 again. I try to eat a solid breakfast, eat out, take advantage of regular meal times, snack, and drink fruit smoothies with ice cream everyday to put on more weight. I've gone up to almost 220 currently.
I was originally thinking of stopping at 220, but I plan to keep going past that. 230? 240? If I put on too much too quick, I'll feel super self conscious.
When I started gaining, I planned on stopping just when it became noticeable. Now I'm passed that point, and still gaining. I do feel self conscious about my weight, but I like being fat at the same time.
One of the body features that men tend to feel most self conscious about is their belly. Getting a pot belly? Better slim down quick before relatives take notice and make comments!
I think it's sad our culture treats pot bellies this way. Men look better with a pot belly and some muscle over being lean and ripped, imo. It makes them look more mature and shows they're well taken care of. Besides, for the majority of men, this is where they're headed naturally. Why not loosen your belt a couple of notches, upgrade the wardrobe, and enjoy that apple pie?
I had a friend on Facebook who showed a starting photo of him with a pot belly at the gym and a picture of him a couple of months later, stomach flat. He said how ashamed he was that he let himself get so out of shape, and that it was time to work it off. Fast forward to present day, and the belly's back for him.
I am embarrassed to let my stomach stick out to its full extent when I'm around other people because of the social stigma that skinny=better. (if you're getting fat, you're getting uglier, basically). I'm slowly getting more comfortable at my weight though. If you stick there long enough, people will think that's a normal weight for you.
Right now, I don't think I would go swimming with friends. I would feel too self conscious to take off my shirt. But who knows, maybe that will change with time.
I understand the embarrassment completely. It is quite eye opening to consider just how we inadvertently fall into adjusting our appearances to please others. In relation to how you described your weight distribution, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I gain the majority of my weight in my stomach and face. If I became 250 pounds at 5'3, I could only imagine how that might appear. On this note, I would have a much harder time hiding what was overtly evident.
