Lifestyle tips

Hardly a new topic, but I’m on the fence about gaining again. Previously went from 120 - 170 in less than six months, both from intentional gaining and struggling with an eating disorder. Stopped due to other reasons but as much as the weight was fun, the dysphoria was too much at the time. Also struggled with reactions of friends and family. Now, years later I am in a much better place mentally, post top surgery, no longer fighting an eating disorder every day, and my feelings about gaining have changed slightly but I can’t get this out of my head. Thinking about trying for a minimal gain or even a single stuffing session and seeing how I feel based on that, but I keep holding off because I’m worried about everything that this will open up (mostly from external sources in my life) if I like it.

Not really sure what I’m asking here, because at this point I think I might have made up my mind, but it helps to post. For a long time I thought my interest in gaining was just a manifestation of dysphoria, and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make me want it less.

I think the decision to gain would also be like the decision to transition. Can you live a happy and fulfilling life without it? Is making yourself happy worth some momentary confusion or pushback from family members or other people in your life?

If you do choose to gain, then other people around you will likely just get over the new you eventually, and then you will be free to pursue your own happiness. 🙂

I got into intuitive eating (as in, Health at Every Size) as a means of recovering from disordered eating (I will always recommend the podcast Food psych as that was the turning point for me in actually understanding health at every size as well as size oppression and how to fight it) It was hard because gaining weight is hard, but I ate whatever I wanted whenever I want and still do, and gained 40 pounds in probably 6 months, which was thrilling and scary all at once. That was over a year ago. Now, my body doesn’t gain weight when I eat a lot, so I feel like that means it’s happy at this weight, and I don’t get strong desires to gain anymore, so it genuinely seems to me like my fetish desires were lined up with the desires of my body to be more thoroughly nourished and not deal with restriction anymore. Because of my eating disorder, I always thought my whole system was at war with itself. Now, I recognize my fetish as directly tied to my eating disorder because it was trying to save me from it, could be that’s the case for you.

This is definitely the case for me personally. I was one of the uncommon male boys with anorexia but I just seemed to outgrow it one day in my late teens. Over the years, the disordered eating has slowly transitioned into binge eating. I used to be able to keep a handle on it, but in the last 18 months, it’s gotten pretty out of control. But the thing is, I’m really into it. I enjoy it all the time. There are very very rare moments when I regret it but they are getting more rare, with the more I’m overeating and gaining.

Just to say - great recommendation on that podcast! I started at like episode 43 (earliest I could find?) And it's super interesting to hear their take on diet culture as a feminist issue, damaging impacts of negative self talk, etc etc. Thanks for sharing - v helpful to switch into a different perspective. Still chewing over the question: "What would it mean to be ok with your body?"