General

I’ve always had a fat fetish ever since I was kid I loved fat woman and it’s been a secret of mine for years
My current girlfriend I’ve had for 5 years and have loved her for her and didn’t start dating her for her body she’s truly a kind soul
one she night told me I had a type…curvy…she didn’t know the extent but I said yeah
For a while we were broken up and I had some me time
She told me to stop watching porn and I was in with that and was able to but when I was free o my god
I’ve never been so attracted to big woman, Feederism weight gain bbw ssbbw mutail gain you name it I’m up every night yanking
I get back together with my girlfriend and we talked about something’s we wanted to fix in the relationship
I told her what I was up to while we were apart,I than told her about my fetish and what I wanted to do she hated it and made me feel awful about what I wanted to do to her and I agreed that’s I why I never told her about it. After a couple weeks it popped back while we were messing around but instead she talked about it and made it seem she wanted to do it and we decided to have more dessert even in bed.
I am full throttle I’ve never been more turned on I dived head first in this opportunity and loved it but than she started to get really stressed out and busy while I had free time which lead me to porn
It’s never been this bad before but I can’t get Feederism off my mind
We go to a party and get pretty drunk we than go back to our apartment and she sees a big girl on Snapchat and says “ew that’s so gross”
The girl was perfect in my eyes
I haven’t talked to her about that and she’s working out more than ever and keeps asking me “do I look skinnier” which I say yes and she does
But today while I was at Walmart a big woman came across my eyes and I couldn’t stop looking at her my chest started pumping and I lost my breath she had a massive ass and belly and all I want to do was be under it and feed her more
I followed her for about 5min
I snapped and decided it was hella creepy and I was absolutely disgusting for doing it
But I got back in my car drove home and yanked the whole time…and it’s never felt so good before
I want to make my girl bigger but finding a ssbbw now is all I can think about
What should I do?

Find the enter button, that wall of text is hard on my eyes. And yeah.

Break up with her. Its for the best.

Unfortunately it's clearly not going to work out since she already knows about your fetish, she's openly repulsed by fat people, and she's into weight loss and getting skinny.

She's almost certainly never going to want to get bigger or become an SSBBW. It would be for the best if you were to end the relationship.

Be honest with her and hope to be cool friends. Don't fall for the trap of her "reconsidering" just to make you happy because that will turn into resentment each time an unrelated argument occurs.
She might change her attitude in 10 years but with your true desires, she's not the 1 for you right now.

Couldn’t agree more with this one.

It sounds like you care for this person, and I hope you two can continue to be friends. But it sounds like you'd be better off not as a romantic couple, and if she's going to care for you in a friendship capacity then she needs to recognize and respect that your romantic/relationship needs are important to you, even if the things you want and need aren't things that appeal to her.