Gaining

Hi, I’ve been on FF for over 2 years now. I came here for the weight gain stories, but people who check out my profile will notice that I’m also into padding and recently have been toying with the idea of getting fat myself.
I know a lot of people on this site will say “just try it”, but first let me explain some more about myself.
The biggest reason that’s holding me from full on trying to gain is that I’ve had anorexia.
And while I’ve been at a healthy weight for years and currently not seeing a therapist, I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t effect me anymore, because it does.

As part of my recovery, doctors gave me a sort of ‘target weight’. For me, being 5’10 this is 154lbs (or 70 kg).
For the last 7 years I’ve bounced between 159 lbs (72-73kg) and 148 lbs (67kg).
And I can honestly say that I’ve never really like my body. Even at my skinniest, I still feel fat.
Recently, I’ve been trying to embrace my curves (I’m bottom heavy, so my thighs are rather thick and my belly always seems to have a soft layer to grab ) and I’ve been wondering if maybe I’ve been wrong in trying to stay thin and just embrace being fat.

I myself am a fat admirer and also bisexual. So it’s hard for me to distinguish if I like fat women or want to be one myself.
However I do know that:
- I get turned on from padding myself or when people tease me on how fat I’ll get
- I’m very uncomfortable showing my body in public. I hardly wear any thight clothes, always high wasted pants and bathing suits rather than bikinis.
- While I enjoy making video’s and photos of my bulging belly, I often panic about my weight and how fat I look.

Currently I’m below my target weight, and I’ve slowly been trying to indulge a little and try to appreciate my body more. Taking small steps like not tensing my belly in public or eating what I want instead of watching what others eat and matching my own food.

I am aware that it looks like I’ve already gained a few but honestly this is just how my body looks when I’m bloated or stuffed.
I love it, because I like fat. I hate it because this means I am fat, even at my lightest. Yeah, it’s all very complicated.

So basically I don’t know what I want or expect from you. I guess if there are people out there who feel the same/went through the same pls share your experience.
Also does anyone have experience in talking about this to a therapist? I sometimes wonder if it would help me sort this all out.

I think maybe it would be wiser to try and explore your curves, as you said, without gaining. If you’re unsure about whether you like having curves or not, maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to get curvier just for the sake of it. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, even in the slightest, but I think what you’re doing now is healthy, to take those little steps that you mention. I would say try that and see how it feels. I also think sharing your experience in this forum is a good idea, as you’re doing. You’ll always have support here, you’re not alone 🤗

Thanks for the advice! Although I’m not sure it would help me 😕
For me this kink is envolved a lot around the process of getting bigger and the fat (doesn’t have to be my body, I enjoy both men and women getting fatter), not really the amount of food. I have done stuffing, but for me it’s more a means to make my belly bigger than that I actuall enjoy the stuffing itself (if that makes sense?)

Thank you so much! I’m already glad I posted this

i would completely agree with the comments here.
It is a difficult situation you are in and it will not be easy to find a "right solution". However, I think with small steps you will find the things that will help you.
For me, like you, I've always liked the whole process of growing and getting fat around others. Now I'm trying to put on some weight myself and see if I like it. There is always a way back.

a few people have told me to just try and gain a little because there’s always a way back.
But for me that ‘way back’ feels hard. Losing weight is always hard, but for me, I fear it would trigger bad feeling from when I had anorexia and that I would easily slip into my old anorexic patterns.

Speaking as a person with mild body dysmorphia, talking the plunge help me. I took it slow, and took the time to just admire my body. I would go out of my way to find things I liked about my gain.

I do want you to know that gaining weight doesn't mean you will become as big as a house. You may be like me and decide being thick is enough. Or you may decide to be fat. Just focus on the journey. It's more fun that way.

One struggle I had to deal with was other people's opinions and perceptions of me. My friends and family had always known me to be skinny. I was embarrassed to gain weight because I was concerned about what they would think or say about me. One thing that helped me out a lot was moving.

I did not move for the purpose of gaining weight, but I realized that moving gave me an opportunity to gain weight around people who did not remember me as always being skinny. As I gained weight, my new co-workers noticed the gain, but rarely said anything about it. Fast-forward some years, and my co-workers have gotten used to me being fat. Combine that with turnover, and we have a lot of new employees who have no memory of me being skinny. They only know me as a fat person.

I know this is not the same as your situation, but it might be something worth trying out. I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find a satisfying solution to this problem.

I have no direct experience but I think a therapist can help, if only to help you work these issues out. I'm not sure all therapists would be able to help with this particular problem, though, so be ready to drop them if they can't!

But I do have a question: If you were marooned all by yourself on a desert island (that somehow had terrific food) would you have less hesitation about gaining?