General

So I’ve personally grown up in a very fatphobic environment where fat people were viewed as disgusting. I realized how people around me felt about fat people and I began to feel so much shame around wanting to be fat and liking fat people. I spent my whole life hating myself because of something I couldn’t control. I’d fixate on how I could fix myself for hours for the first couple years after I realized I was a feeder and feedee. I would tell myself stuff like it’s ok to like fat people you just can’t be into their stomach. I hated my sexuality so much I developed anorexic behaviors as a way to rid myself of what I deemed wrong. I also was so scared people in my daily life would find out I was “disgusting” that I decided to full on laugh at fat people and make horrible comments about them. I’m finally starting to break my habit of saying fatphobic knee jerk comments and working on my internalized fatphobia. I am working to view people of all genders and weights as attractive as what I personally see them as and not let society dictate who I should think is or is not attractive. It’s just hard. I am so tired of hating myself.

Has anyone here gone through a similar experience in dealing with fatphobia mixed with their sexuality?

100%. I'm further along the road than you, but still working on it. I also came from a very fatphobic family and country in general. Now in north america its less intense. Definitely get what you're saying about reflexively making jokes and stuff. It was strange bringing home my now-wife to meet my family for the first time, having made such comments in the past and now here I am with a fatty.

I found it easier to get over female fat phobia as I'm into girls, so that is just what is attractive and looks better to me. However, despite wanting to get fat myself as a man, it's been much harder to get over it for men and myself. One thing that has helped is to realize that most people don't actually care. They may not view it as attractive, but otherwise for the most part don't give it much thought. Also, people talk about how it affects things like your career, but it's helpful to see that several of the top executives at my company are massive, and people genuinely respect them, so it really doesn't have to hold you back in life if you've got your life in order ( unless you're talking really high numbers).

Dude. So with you. I'm even causing problems in my [non-feedist] relationship because I will refuse to eat as both 1) self inflicted punishment for the shame I feel, and 2) a way to deflect any suspicion of these skeletons in my closet. It sucks.