General

I'm not entirely sure if this is the right place for this topic, but I feel like it fits best. Please tell me if it goes elsewhere, thank you

I've (23M) been dating my gf (22F) for just a little over a year, and I don't want to lose this

Anyway, not too long ago sex came up, and I've never really been interested in it. Total shocker, I know, active in a fetish site but have no interest on even nudity, let alone sex

My problem comes with her being completely set on never changing for anyone. I'm not interested in sex, but for her, it's a 'requirement' for a healthy relationship. Now I'm expected to change and like/want sex, but she doesn't seem to want to change anything about herself for me. No 'I'll scratch your back, and you mine' or anything

I don't really know what to do because I'm pretty sure I love her, I love spending time with her, but I also despise hypocrisy

I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know how to put it into words without sounding accusatory

What should I do? How should I say it?

Definitely not, I'm just focusing on the problem, so it doesn't really presents her in the best light

She's self-conscious. sometimes tries to get me to give bigger tips, and this Christmas she found a rare collectable for me, so not one of these would describe her, I don't think

So, to start, neither one of you is wrong with how you feel. If having consistent sex is what makes a relationship work for her, then that’s just how it is, and if it isn’t even necessary for you, then that too is how it is for you. Everyone’s preference is valid.

What you need to do is tell her straight up that you are asexual (if that’s not a label you care for, I apologize, but it seems apt), and tell her what compromises you can make, if any, and see if she is willing/able to make any for you. If she can’t, or yours aren’t going to work for her, then you might just not be a good fit.

This is coming from someone leaving a 4 year relationship in part because our sex drives and needs are just not compatible. It fucking sucked to have to get to this point, but we realized it was for the best, that there was too much difference for us to meet somewhere that it could work.

It’s the most repeated and simple advice, but it’s cuz it’s really all you’ve got, you gotta talk. And I think framing it as “we have a difference in sex drive, here’s what I’m willing to do, can you do anything?” Is the way to go without being mean about it you just gotta be super blunt and honest. That’s my two cents though, I hope it helps some

Dablublub is right. You need to have a conversation.

Also, please understand that while you may not need to have sex (or even like sex) others do. And it's to varying degrees.

I have a high sex drive. Most people can do it a few times a week and be happy. I need it at least once a day - preferably multiple times a day. And that's just how things are.

My boyfriend, bless him, has a normal sex drive. But we work together and compromise so that way I can be sexually fulfilled and he isn't overwhelm him.

Also, from what you have said, I am not seeing where she did anything wrong. You call her a hypocrite. How was she a hypocrite? You say she isn't changing for you. How do you expect her to change?

I understand you are sex repulsed, but for people who have sex in an intimate relationship, sex isn't transactional. Yes, it feels good. But its also a way to form and strengthen emotional bonds.

You sound like a sex-repulsed asexual. Or at least you sound like most of the other sex-repulsed asexuals that are in my life. Some of them like to participate in kink, but find the whole sex thing to be kinda gross.

It is possible to have a fulfilling romantic life as a sex-repulsed ace, however, it requires you to make your needs and wants known to the other party and both parties need to find a compromise of the other person wants to have sex.

There are other ways to play around that dosen't including the more traditional route that fulfill her physical needs without you actually needing to perform.

This thread doesn't read like a Personals Ad, so I'm moving it to General.

Not really sure if I can offer good advice. If you really can't find some sort of compromise, it might very well be irreconcilable differences. No one reasonable expects both members of the couple to be an exact mirror image of each other, but well.. ever heard the phrase "death by a thousand cuts?" Or, "the straw that broke the camel's back?" The vibe I get is this is something that might fester over time.

I'm going to assume you aren't interested in things like an open relationship. Most folks aren't, likely even fewer still can really handle that. It's just as likely doing that could result in the deterioration of the relationship.

It could be unhappy, and there can be a trajectory that won't correct itself on it's own.

As an example, my parents have been married for decades. I know, doesn't seem as common these days. My father is not particularly religious. My mother is, though not extremely so. She volunteers a lot at her church, but doesn't think she's going to hell if she misses a service every now and then.

Either way, neither consider divorce an option. They argue with alarming frequency and I cringe at the thought of holiday meetings or road trips together. He's intelligent and intellectual but kind of absent minded. She's more detail oriented and is the only one who really does house chores. He has tried to help, but it never seems quite good enough. So either he just doesn't do it at all, or waits until she's out of the house. He snores, she's a light sleeper. He has a broad, top-down worldly view and is interested in broad concepts like politics, history, and math, and understands the world isn't a fair place. She's more interested in inter-personal relationships and despite her age, seems to continue having a certain naivete and certain romantic dreams that are impractical.

I do love them both, but they are as different as night and day. They haven't slept together in the same room in many years, and basically don't do it anymore. He watches porn alone, she just does without.

To be fair, both of them could have done far, far worse. But I hate that paradigm and mentality of "it could always be worse" and "it is what it is." That only justifies mediocrity, "satisficing" (portmanteau of satisfy and suffice, a very sub-optimal outcome), or if the overall situation (in anything) is ever so slightly worse than it was before.

I could be wrong, but I expect most couples would have likely seriously considered divorce by now, and would likely result in divorce on good terms.

Either way, I'm about 99% sure you don't want an outcome like this.

It's true marriage rates in America, and so far as I can tell, most of the western world are lower than they used to be before, and occurring later in life. But know what else is going on? The marriages that do form tend to have higher rates of satisfaction.

I've also found that sure, while people can change, they also really don't.. at least not after age 16, 18 or so. One's sense of right and wrong, personality traits, agreeableness, willingness to compromise, friendliness, etc. are largely fixed and static by that point.

If you can't find some way to reach compromise soon, I don't expect that to be possible 5 years from now.

Update:

A few days ago, we talked about it, and she actually wanted to talk about too

As it turns out, she noticed the same thing I did, and we came to an understanding. She decided on a small challenge instead, she'll try to 'woo' me and apparently, in exchange, I can try to *convince her to gain a little. I'm not going to complain honestly, she seems to be having fun, at least for now

I took me a few days, and several more questions to process it, but I guess she's ok with it, at least that's what she reassured me several times

On a related note, does anyone know how to introduce someone to this without throwing them into the **deep end? Thanks

*She noticed how similar this was to a different event we went through, and thinks she was more insensitive than me ***from a few months ago, so yeah

**I would consider this site a bit more than the shallow end, so I don't think this should be the first thing

***Just look at my other post in general, 'I need some advice i guess'

I'm glad you guys came to an understanding.

I would say keep the kink offline for now. Spoil her with food and treats. Maybe mix in some physical intimacy like cuddling on the couch while you give her decadent treats. If you know how to cook, cook her favorites. Maybe introduce her to new foods as well.

Feedist can be very romantic and fluffy if you let it.

Thanks for the tip, although she has almost no appetite. She usually eats off the kid's menu, so I'll see what happens

Completely understandable. You don't have to stuff her. Just have her indulge more.