BoysRCute:
Ive been hurt. Badly. By my wife. She wants a divorce. She says she’s not in love with me anymore and that I make her feel lonely and sad and ugly and unwanted for 16 years. I feel wrought with guilt, hopelessness, shame, and most of all devastation. Heartbroken.
I know this has nothing to do with the theme of this website. But I do not have anyone in my life to reach out to.
You're going to get vilified beacuse people have a black and white view of infidelity.
I can't know what happened between you and your wife, but i've been on the receiving end of cheating (I didn't know I was the other woman and it was devastating). I'll just share some things I have learned:
1. Cheating is a *response* to a bad situation, not the cause of one. It's not a emotionally secure response. It's not healthy. You are doing a disservice to you, your wife, and potential current/future partners, regardless of how you feel about any/all of the above. But—it's a form of seeking connection that you aren't getting. And you *know* why you're not getting it. So don't let anyone tell you that the breakdown for your relationship with your wife is 100% on your shoulders—if you are coming to terms with your sexuality, that means it was always there and the incompatibility was really no one's fault.
2. You are doing a bad thing because *everyone* (including you) deserve to be happy and who they are and with those they love, but that does not make you a bad person. You can choose to stop doing the bad thing and do the thing you really need the right way.
3. Guilt is something that we can do something with. Shame is not. Shame is the only useless emotion we have—because it says we are defective by default. No human is born defective. Guilt is a feeling over something we *did* not who we are as a person. You can resolve guilt. You can find hope in your situation. It does mean respecting your wife's request for divorce, and it's likely what will bring you both the most peace. She deserves to have the freedom to be with someone for her, and you do too.
4. Many many times in infidelity and/or other bad relationship situations, people conflate their feelings and affection for their partner as a sign to continue and repair. This is a HUGE mistake. Feelings are what keep us attached. We can care about someone emotionally and still intellectually recognize and choose to act on doing something better for the situation.
5. People will try to make you feel like you deserve to be alone and shunned and that's not the case. That resolves nothing and only causes more pain for everyone. You DO have a responsibility to choose to do the right things at this time, moving forward, but beating yourself up over your past actions isn't fair and won't bring you the healingy ou need.
