General

To add to this, let me describe how it feels to have my brand of fetish:

There is a group of vtubers called Phase Connect, that is infamous for having dysfunctional girls who like dudes (mostly), but are so inept some call them femcels. Some of them blame the character, but some of their stories are more true than not. I would gladly date any of the girls behind the character, because I'm almost certain once they're comfortable with someone like me, at least I won't be bored. They might be insane enough to shank me from schizo delusions while I sleep, but if someone like Pipkin Pippa was my type, I'd gladly do crossfit, put on a blonde wig, and put on the dang Colress costume so she could have a good time too as I'm cosplaying as her husbando. (For reference, that is her fetish)

But, whenever looking at her character, even if she had D cup breasts, I'm flat as a board. She would at least need to be chubby for me to feel horny, and I'd like for her to be comfortable with it too. Even if the person behind the character was uglier and older than the character, that would be the only way to feel something aside from morning wood, and other cheat codes. If there was a halfway compromise where I'd have to be the gainer/feedee to be turned on, she'd probably find it to be gross enough where she'd end the relationship.

Nofap did little for me, for those who said to porn detox. Could barely last a week. If I had a girlfriend, I would happily practice monogamy since there's a lot of creative solutions these days, but living alone without a hole-in-one in golf would be a fate worse than death. I'm working on self-bettering myself and I don't have to give up everything to cope with my life, but if I became impotent, *man* would it suck. All of my old hobbies don't feel the same, and forming new ones is pain.

tl;dr Having low standards will not save you from dying alone.

I think that for most men, physical attraction to some degree is a prerequisite for developing a romantic connection in the first place. You may enjoy the company of a thin woman with a great personality, but you might not ever feel that romantic spark. You do have some options, just not great ones.

Sexuality is a huge component of relationships for everybody, including women. If you don't want to go there, most women won't be interested, with the exception of asexuals. However, asexual women are even rarer than fat women. If you do find someone like that though, you will probably still be looking for a sexual outlet, while she may want monogamy.

In theory, polyamorous women are an option since she can get her sexual needs met by someone else. However, just like monogamous women, sexuality is still an important part of what they desire from their relationships, so poly women probably still won't be interested.

If you're looking for a friend with benefits but the only benefit is cuddling, I think that's something you might be able to find as long as you are clear about what you want from the beginning. However, I think that most women who are actively looking for a long-term monogamous relationship probably won't be interested since time spent with you is time not spent dating someone serious. Plus, women who are oriented towards committed relationships know that their partner would probably look at their friendship with you as a form of cheating.

Earlier, you compared your preference for fat women to a sexual orientation like being gay, and said you are as attracted to thin women as you are to men as a straight guy. If that's the case, what do you think about pursuing this type of relationship with a man? Bromances are a thing, apparently. You might have an easier time finding a gay guy who will respect your boundaries, especially since it seems like most gay guys prefer open relationships. I imagine it would be just like a platonic friendship, but with more physical contact.

OR, and hear me out, you could try dating women you're attracted to? It may not be easy to meet them in your daily life, but that's what online dating is for. If you haven't tried Feabie for this, I recommend it, since I've had some success there myself. You'll be able to meet people you'd never bump into in real life. If you can't find someone local who you like, you may need to think about looking farther afield. That may mean having a long-distance relationship until you can figure out the logistics of relocating.

OP, as others have said, you’ve got some options to explore, and you’re reflecting, and that’s good 👍

I’m gonna echo what others have said: no one wants to be settled for. Someone who is open to a romantic relationship without a sexual relationship will still want to be loved and cherished romantically, and not settled for.

Which leads to a question:

Do you know for yourself what it feels like when you experience romantic vs. sexual attraction? Like, when you said you’ve met women you’re interested in and have some compatibility with, do you feel *romantically* attracted to them?

I ask this partly as a clarifying question for my benefit, and partly as an exploratory question for (hopefully) your benefit.



Sweden isn’t the whole world though. FF has members from all over the world, and there’s plenty of places in the world where the situation is much less favorable for queer folks. Conscientiousness is needed, ya know?

But also, she was right. To my knowledge, there is not anywhere in the world where feedists are systematically oppressed or where they will be the victims of violence (for being feedists). Nor has there ever been. The same is not true for queer folks.

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Re: vanity. I wonder if there’s a cultural or language difference happening here? In the USA, “vanity” is typically seen as a character flaw. Is that what you’re trying to say? Does vain not have this moral connotation in Sweden?

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Total tangent.

Re: kink vs. fetish vs. paraphilia. Whoever corrected someone about feedism being a paraphilia and not a fetish, you annoyed me (I’m fully owning that lol) and you’re incorrect, so I’m gonna out-correct you here’s my friendly soap box:

Definitions are generally descriptive (ie, how people use words), not prescriptive (ie, there are invariable and “correct” definitions). People in different contexts use words differently. Outside of academic or clinical settings, there’s no real difference between “fetish” and “paraphilia”, or between paraphilia and “kink”. (I rarely see “paraphilia” used). And lots of people use fetish and kink interchangeably too (though yes, some groups care to differentiate).

Honestly, I still think this is your best option. It may be worth examining why it didn't work for you and what you can do differently, rather than giving up. Here's what you can do if you're really serious about finding someone and willing to put in the work: First, ignore the social media side of it completely, and just use it as a search engine for profiles. In your search filters, only use two: female and "near me". Dozens of profiles will come up, arranged by distance. You can bookmark the search results if you're using a browser, since you'll be coming back to it.

Next, you need to open every profile on the list one by one, and read each one carefully, including each tab. Also, look down at her post history and read some of those. If you see something that disqualifies her, like being in a relationship, or not looking for men, or only looking for chatting, or she sounds annoying in her posts, then you move on to the next. Reason why you don't put these in your search filters is because some people leave it blank, and you'd be filtering them out too. If you see someone you'd consider going out with, follow her or put her name down in a list or something. Keep going until you've done this for every single profile from the results.

Then, go down your list and message each one you saved one by one. Don't copy and paste the same thing, or only say "hi" in your first message. If what she wrote in her profile explicitly focuses on kink, you can comment on that, otherwise it's better to comment on something else you have in common, and just have a normal conversation (maybe with some subtle flirting). At some point, you can pivot to asking her what she's looking for on the site and go from there. Do this with only a few profiles at a time, since trying to juggle a bunch of conversations at once is a bad idea.

This is a lot of work, and will probably take several weeks to complete. If you've gone through everybody and still had no luck making a connection, only then can you say that you've tried everything and failed. Personally, I haven't needed to be this thorough, but that's because I live near a major city with fat American women, lol.

Regarding the homosexual comparison, I think he was making a partial analogy. He's comparing one aspect to it, but not others. Actually, this is probably the case for most analogies. If I compared being gay to being lesbian, there are ways that's an apt comparison, but also a lot of differences in the experience because of gender. In fact, if you want an exact 1:1 comparison for anything, it would be impossible because everything is only ever exactly like itself (if that makes sense). Like, a sweater vest is sort of like a vest, and sort of like a sweater, but it's not exactly like either one. On the other hand, people here might consider it an inappropriate comparison on moral grounds, as in it's not incorrect but it's distasteful, but that's a different conversation to the one people are having.

Omg, you have gone off the deep end.

There are no slurs for feeders. There are no hate crimes for feeders. No one's human rights have been stripped away for feeders. The average person has heard about homosexuality, but they have not heard of feeders.

Also, let's not forget in some places, being gay is a crime punishable by death. People have died this year for being gay either because it is illegal or because someone hate crimed them to death.

I'm not gay, but I am a WOC. I am also a feeder. I have been discriminated for my gender and race, but never for my status as a feeder. In fact, I've had to explain what feedism is to the normie.

Also, if you think that women are more vain than men, you have not been paying attention to anything.

Men and women both have strict gender roles under patriarchy. Women are expected to be pleasing to the male gaze. Meanwhile men are expected to be strong, masculine, providers, etc. And there is 100% vanity about it. It just looks different from women.

And that's just the stereotype. There are a lot of men and women who opt out of both in varying ways.

You are making a lot of assumptions about things you don't fully understand. Please stop.

Try talking with someone overseas. Who knows where it will lead? Or do you need a Nordic partner for some reason?

If you have a career and transferable skills, get a US work visa. Take an adventure for a few years. People do things like that. But if the real problem is that your baseline standards are so specific that they’re unreasonable, that won’t solve your problem.

Based on the way you project yourself in this thread, I would say no, don’t go outside your preferences to try to try to date women you won’t be attracted to. Maybe just start with making friends. And don’t dismiss therapy. I think you may be developing an unhealthy relationship with this kink or fetish or whatever term works best for you.

When you “meet a woman with whom [you] share at least some intellectual and psycological common ground, and where things are fun and drama free”, what is stopping you from becoming her friend?

Let's call a spade a spade. If you need to have a woman above a certain BMI to have an erection, you're just shallow.

Preferences are fine. Having compatible lifestyles is excellent. But if you need a partner of a certain size to be happy, you are shallow.

Let's flip this on its head. If a man said, "I am only attracted to thin women, but I am struggling to find any right for me. Maybe I can try my luck with fat women, but I would never want to sleep with them," everyone would call him shallow.