Feeling disgusted and aroused with my weight gain...

MickRidem wrote:

I *definitely* get turned on by my fat (as little as it is compared to many here) 😂 Having an orgasm without contact is the dream! Sometimes I feel close but... I wish!


If you've read any of my post, you know how self conscious I feel about having gained back most of the weight I had lost after nearly 10 years of successful maintenance.

I've suffered from most eating disorders (binge eating, anorexia, bulimia and night eating syndrome) and body dysmorphia.

In the last months, something I can't understand and feel very conflicted about has been happening increasingly often.

When I try on pants that used to fit me comfortably or loosely and realize I can barely pull them over my thighs and button them, I have very intense orgasms.

When I was thin I used to get that feeling when I tried on my pants while padded.

Feeling my fat push against and seeing it ooze over the too tight waistband, I feel simultaneously profoundly disgusted with myself and extremely aroused.

I don't need to touch myself, the pressure of the crotch on my pelvic bone and genitalia is enough to make me come in pulsating waves and sometimes ejaculate.

I'm demisexual and never felt sexually attracted by anyone before I started dating M, my current boyfriend.

He's also demisexual and I find his atypical body so sexy: lower belly pooch, soft excess skin from major weight loss and feminine features (long curly hair, small breasts, curvy hips, round butt and thick thighs)...

I've never enjoyed sex before.

Don't get me wrong, I felt physical pleasure but I could go months without having any and didn't miss it.

I also don't masturbate. I've tried different techniques and many sex toys but it just feels weird and unnatural to me.

As an autistic women, most of my senses (including touch) are extra sensitive, but I had never had an orgasm from vaginal penetration before I met M.

It doesn't happen as quickly as with clitoral stimulation (I orgasm almost immediately and multiple times when M gives me oral sex), but this came as a surprise to me.

Now I understand the difference between "having sex" and "making love" and have never been this sexually active.

My weight gain (over 25 lbs since October 2023) was unintentional and I've desperately been trying to lose some of it or, at the very least, stop gaining.

Can anyone relate?
5 days
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Long term gaining

NoMoYoYo:
I'm running into a slight problem. I'm close to 5,000 calories today. The complete opposite of trying to slow down my gain. I am addicted to gaining fast. What do I need to do to reign it in?

Primal23:
Often times you will eventually plateau. Keeping up that kind of gaining is usually pretty difficult and expensive. So something usually gives that causes you to slow down. You can go with it for now and see if and when that happens. If you don't slow down or plateau revisit the situation.
If that happens it's often simple sugars that add lots of calories and causes the health issues. So limiting that while still enjoying the other stuff could slow things down while still allowing you to indulge and gain. Just in a better way.

NoMoYoYo:
I for sure need to cut down on sugars. I'm not a big sweets guy, but I'm eating more of it now than I had been. Plus the white bread in bagels and burger buns etc. I wasn't eating any of those things. Now I eat them all.


Same. I love bagels and the bagels here in Montreal are just amazing (my favourite being St-Viateur or Fairmount). I seldom allowed myself to eat them back when I was thin, but the last time I went they were still hot and I greedily ate 2 in a row. I really need to get myself together.
5 days
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Gaining by accident and don't know how to stop it now

I've tried calorie tracking apps and I'd have to eat less than 1200 calories to lose any weight. My metabolism has been ruined by years of undereating/restricting.
5 days
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Daily "i'm fat" reminders

Kitsune:
I am still craving for sweets even though I had a lot of sugar today and I don't want to go overboard. This morning I drank my 24 oz caramel latte from yesterday. Since I drank a bit of it when it was fresh, I say there was 20 ounces of it left today until I finished it.

During my shopping trip, my dad bought me a venti pink drink from Starbucks. I like to add half of breve instead of "coconut" so I don't know what the calories are like compared to the original ingredients. Regardless, it's still not a healthy drink...

Now I am eager to try the Stephens hot chocolate mix that was a impulse purchase of mine. I didn't think it would hurt to treat myself during my upcoming layoff so I am glad I bought it. I never had expensive hot chocolate before and there was a ton of positive opinions on this brand. It shouldn't be as awfully sugary like Swiss Miss but for sure it's not a light dessert.

My new way to make hot chocolate is to make a hot mocha by adding the mixture to some drip coffee. Also mix in a small amount of frothy half and half. (I add sugar to it) If available I like to top the drink off with whip cream. I bet food snobs are not going to like what I just said but it's damn delicious.

Overall, sweet liquid sure expands my circumfrance. This is why I can't have cute lolita dresses.


Do you know brands who make nice japanese lolita dresses for larger bodies? I own many BTSSB, AATP, Angelic pretty coords but they don't fit well anymore. Skirts are even worse, they were already tight when I was 25 lbs thinner.
5 days
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New sensations

"Feeling my body" is the sensation I've been noticing as I regain the weight I lost in 2014-2015. I don't enjoy it, but it seems like my body decided it was going to so it's own thing whether I liked it or not.
1 week
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Gaining by accident and don't know how to stop it now

Canuck:
this is a topic that i really relate to. i was a thin, fit feeder for so much of my adult life. i started gaining by accident, and haven't really been able to stop it since.

i've posted about my experience over the last 4 or 5 years, so i won't rehash all that. but i wanted to talk about how lifestyle contributes to this. i sympathize with @otherday66 because i've tried to go back the gym a few times, i've tried to change my diet a few times over the years (including this year) and for the most part it hasn't been successful.

part of it is how seductive the feedist lifestyle is... it's kind of built on pleasure, abandon, and sloth. to move to a mode of discipline, effort and abstinence (from food!) is a really hard change to make. and it's too easy to be tempted back into indulgence, i find (again, and again...).

i'd be interested to hear from anyone who has found success in striking that balance after going to the fat-side?

Morbidly A Beast:
If you indulge don’t beat yourself up about it just eat it and move on, can’t just give in if you’re serious about the goal. The problem is not indulging it’s indulging consistently all the time

Lair your fitness goals yeah starting out you might not be where you used to be but give it a month of light cardio after being a sloth xD get yourself some good shoes even if your old ones from before are good you’ll need some more ankle support


This is what I was told during my anorexia recovery but I didn't trust people. When I eventually started fo believe that indulging now and then wouldn't make me fat, I quickly realized my fear had been justified. My body holds on to any extra calorie I give it, so I'm starting to think that maybe I should try that keto thing and try to stick with it. When I managed go cut processed foods and refined sugar from my diet, I felt less tired and my mood was better, too (but it might have been because I was losing weight).
1 week
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Daily "i'm fat" reminders

Miranda:
Sitting on the train home in the evening with my clothes feeling tight and uncomfortable around my belly, butt and thighs when I thought they fit fine in the morning.


I don't know how common this experience is, but I find my clothes always get tighter as the day progresses, no matter how little I eat
or drink. Maybe I have water retention?
1 week
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Weight gain due to medication

Eyesmind:
I’ve been on insulin for 3 months. Don’t know if it’s causing the gain but I’m up 20 pounds. Also not eating super healthy.


As a pharmacist I can confirm insulin makes you gain weight
1 week
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Fit to fat experiences: good or bad

AnorexicPretty:
I have a very recent history with anorexia, in fact I just started recovering about a year and a half ago. I am not fat, at least not yet, but I did gain 45 pounds in the last year. So I can say something about the gaining experience at least.

For me, it is a wonderful feeling of having a real, physical body. I enjoy moving, I feel no pain when I sit, and my mind isn’t occupied with poisonous anorexic thoughts. I love my curves - and I have some curves finally, I am finally successful in my romantic life, dating polyamorously, with very lovely men at my side who love me for who I am, and not for my model-like emaciated „perfect“ non-body.

Gaining is quite difficult for me. I learned to eat huge amounts by now but my metabolism is - despite many, many years of anorexia - high as f***. So I need to use tricks like heavy cream to gain at all. But I love the feeling of being alive that I have now. And I think gaining more will give me even more of this wonderful feeling. I do not regret gaining this pounds at all, and the only thing that I mourn is the fact that it is more difficult to find Gothic Lolita clothing and short shorts in bigger sizes and from a previous gaining experience (yeah I had a relapse, that’s anorexia, it never leaves completely because it is actually born of the wish to control the uncontrollable world, and I have still to reach the weight I once already was at) I know that I am now in the highest size range of my favorite brands. Not impossible, though. I am also adept at sewing so if I can’t buy it then I can make it. But still, cute clothes are more available in smaller sizes. Sadly.


I'm so sad about outgrowing most of my lolita coords. Even if I manage to lose a little, realistically the skirts will never fit me anymore. They were already tight when I was much thinner (my waist was 26 inch around and not it's at least 30 inch, I don't want to check it freaks me out).
1 week
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Warning message

She's still show as a green dot/online?
2 weeks
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