How early did you get into gaining?
Wanting to be fat is a part of some of my earliest memories. Genetically, I must be predisposed to a protruding stomach (Both parents are thin, but one of my grandmothers was quite plump when she was in her '50s, with a very big belly. She eventually lost weight, but she was always my mother's example for me: "You don't want to be as fat as Grandma, do you?"
I had a pot belly that my parents thought was cute when I was 3 or 4 years old. The pressure to be thin started by first grade, but I didn't want to lose weight. I remember playing with my belly in secret and pushing it out as far as I possibly could. I would also put pillows in my clothing so I could feel even fatter.
I was the heaviest kid in school as early as I can remember. At the end of my first grade year, I had a solo in a school program for which I had to dress up as a flower. My costume consisted of a leotard and a ruffled skirt made to look like leaves. My best friend had a similar costume, and her mother made both of ours. I remember feeling overjoyed when I went to her house to try mine on, and I had gained enough weight it didn't button around my belly. My friend's mom had to put in another "leaf". My mother was there, and after that occasion, she made it her mission for me to become active that summer. The thing is, I was already active. I liked to play outside. I liked backyard games like badminton and volleyball... but I also liked to eat, particularly when I ate enough that my stomach bulged out even more.
By the summer before my fourth grade year, I had another friend whose mom was showed affection and hospitality through food. My friend, ironically, was not heavy, but I loved going to their house because of ample snacks and giant portions at meals. I also started taking snacks from cabinets at home, stashing them in an arts and crafts box under my bed, and belly stuffing at night. Eventually, my parents realized what I was doing and padlocked everything, but by that point, I had put on so much weight I couldn't fit in a regular desk when the new school year started. Initially, the other kids teased me, but I loved it, so their teasing served as encouragement instead and lost power for anyone who intended it in a mean spirited way. My classmates started giving me anything packed in their lunches they didn't want. It was fun for them to see how much I would eat, and fun for me to get super full. When my teacher realized what was happening, she put a stop to all sharing of food, using food allergies as a reason.
My weight really bothered my mother, and I remember her telling me boys wouldn't like me if I was heavy. In retrospect, that's a troubling rationale for a 9 or 10-year-old girl. (Clearly, it also wasn't true, because look who's happily married now!) It also wasn't a deterrent. I kept getting bigger and bigger, and I hit 200 lb in middle school and 300 lb in high school. I eventually got a summer/after school job at an old fashioned diner, where I had a discount and sometimes got to eat free. We wore short sleeved button downs, but I got too fat for the uniforms. I remember wearing the largest size they could order, and the buttons gaping across my belly. Eventually, they let me wear any shirt that fit the same color.
In college, I was thrilled I could eat as much as I wanted when I wanted, without my mother looking over my shoulder or staring at my expanding midsection. I would stuff my face in the dining hall and buy as much food as I could afford from the restaurants around campus. One of the dorms had a little convenience store that also had hot food, like what you might find at a gas station. I ate so many hot dogs and taquitos once sitting in my dorm room that I had to unbutton my pants to let my belly grow. They literally never fastened again. I think I was around 325 when I started school and 370 when I came home at Thanksgiving. My appetite had also increased so much, my mother stopped me after my fifth or sixth fully loaded plate. Of course, I ventured back into the kitchen at night and kept filling my belly with leftovers.
My relationship with fat is truly lifelong. People I knew in childhood might be surprised at just how big I am, but they certainly wouldn't be shocked that I'm obese. I had another high school classmate who was also big though not quite as heavy. She has since gotten into fitness and is now probably a size two. Clearly, I've taken a dramatically opposite path!
I had a pot belly that my parents thought was cute when I was 3 or 4 years old. The pressure to be thin started by first grade, but I didn't want to lose weight. I remember playing with my belly in secret and pushing it out as far as I possibly could. I would also put pillows in my clothing so I could feel even fatter.
I was the heaviest kid in school as early as I can remember. At the end of my first grade year, I had a solo in a school program for which I had to dress up as a flower. My costume consisted of a leotard and a ruffled skirt made to look like leaves. My best friend had a similar costume, and her mother made both of ours. I remember feeling overjoyed when I went to her house to try mine on, and I had gained enough weight it didn't button around my belly. My friend's mom had to put in another "leaf". My mother was there, and after that occasion, she made it her mission for me to become active that summer. The thing is, I was already active. I liked to play outside. I liked backyard games like badminton and volleyball... but I also liked to eat, particularly when I ate enough that my stomach bulged out even more.
By the summer before my fourth grade year, I had another friend whose mom was showed affection and hospitality through food. My friend, ironically, was not heavy, but I loved going to their house because of ample snacks and giant portions at meals. I also started taking snacks from cabinets at home, stashing them in an arts and crafts box under my bed, and belly stuffing at night. Eventually, my parents realized what I was doing and padlocked everything, but by that point, I had put on so much weight I couldn't fit in a regular desk when the new school year started. Initially, the other kids teased me, but I loved it, so their teasing served as encouragement instead and lost power for anyone who intended it in a mean spirited way. My classmates started giving me anything packed in their lunches they didn't want. It was fun for them to see how much I would eat, and fun for me to get super full. When my teacher realized what was happening, she put a stop to all sharing of food, using food allergies as a reason.
My weight really bothered my mother, and I remember her telling me boys wouldn't like me if I was heavy. In retrospect, that's a troubling rationale for a 9 or 10-year-old girl. (Clearly, it also wasn't true, because look who's happily married now!) It also wasn't a deterrent. I kept getting bigger and bigger, and I hit 200 lb in middle school and 300 lb in high school. I eventually got a summer/after school job at an old fashioned diner, where I had a discount and sometimes got to eat free. We wore short sleeved button downs, but I got too fat for the uniforms. I remember wearing the largest size they could order, and the buttons gaping across my belly. Eventually, they let me wear any shirt that fit the same color.
In college, I was thrilled I could eat as much as I wanted when I wanted, without my mother looking over my shoulder or staring at my expanding midsection. I would stuff my face in the dining hall and buy as much food as I could afford from the restaurants around campus. One of the dorms had a little convenience store that also had hot food, like what you might find at a gas station. I ate so many hot dogs and taquitos once sitting in my dorm room that I had to unbutton my pants to let my belly grow. They literally never fastened again. I think I was around 325 when I started school and 370 when I came home at Thanksgiving. My appetite had also increased so much, my mother stopped me after my fifth or sixth fully loaded plate. Of course, I ventured back into the kitchen at night and kept filling my belly with leftovers.
My relationship with fat is truly lifelong. People I knew in childhood might be surprised at just how big I am, but they certainly wouldn't be shocked that I'm obese. I had another high school classmate who was also big though not quite as heavy. She has since gotten into fitness and is now probably a size two. Clearly, I've taken a dramatically opposite path!
19 hours
