You know I can't really call myself fat, but I have gained and lost a few times by now, even if not that much. I also feel more comfortable when I weight more, more sex drive, better sex performance, and just pleasure from feeling my expanded body, like feeling rolls over my legs for example.

The difference with me is that I don't "let myself go". and I don't control myself to be fit. My nature is to tend to be fit and gaining is extremely demanding and tiresome. Still I've managed to put on some pounds, and everytime I've gained I've felt better with myself, even if it's been uncomfortable to hear degrading comments from loved ones.

I also have an existential contradiction between my desire to become obese and loving to exercise. So far I've don the latter, so now I'm focusing on getting fat haha

Hi! Have you considered asking him if he'd want to fatten you? Maybe once you get that going, you can mention mutual gain.

You sound very honest with yourself about what you want though, thats great! I think you'll find a chance to talk to him about it if it's about feeding you first.

I think maybe it would be wiser to try and explore your curves, as you said, without gaining. If you’re unsure about whether you like having curves or not, maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to get curvier just for the sake of it. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, even in the slightest, but I think what you’re doing now is healthy, to take those little steps that you mention. I would say try that and see how it feels. I also think sharing your experience in this forum is a good idea, as you’re doing. You’ll always have support here, you’re not alone 🤗

Yes, I snore much more now.

In my experience that's exactly what's gonna happen. One day you're just gonna have to make the decision. Only after having tried gaining will you be able to know if you want to stop or not. You need to go through the experience of getting the nasty comments from your family before you can actually evaluate if it's worth it or not.

I've been evading gaining all my life, I always thought I was on top of the game. I realised just recently that I was never in control because I was acting based on fear. I was actually being controled by that fear, fear of what others would say or think, of not being able to "go back" and so on.

The truth is that you can never "go back" in life, you can only go forward. And if the things that you decide to do leave a mark in your body, that's the proof that you lived. Yes, maybe it will become hard for you to lose weight if you decide to lose after having gained, but not impossible. Then you'll have the experience that many fat people have when they want to lose weight. Would it be difficult? Perhaps, but if you just go about in life avoiding anything that's not easy, you're gonna regret it even more.

"Choosing" not to gain when you feel the desire to do so (even if it's only unconscious) is not choosing at all, it's just avoiding to choose. I had the perfect chance to gain ten years ago, fresh start by myself in another country, and I didn't do it because I was scared of being fat. I regret it immensely now that I've finally admitted to myself that I really want to be a fat person. All those prejudices are just things that we've learnt from a world that regulates itself arbitrarily and agressively. There's nothing inherently bad or wrong with being fat. And if you're concerned about your health, which is fair, remember that it's always less unhealthy to try it the younger you are. The more you delay it with your doubts, the more time goes on, and the less young you become.

A few years ago I became overweight, just barely with a BMI of 25.1, because of the stress of being in a toxic relationship that isolated me from everyone. When it was over, I went back to my parents' house and my mum would always insist that I had to lñose the weight. It was uncomfortable and I lost it. It wasn't hard, but it took some months to lose the 18 pounds I had put on.

But now I know how it feels to be there, and I liked it immensely, I had never felt so much pleasure in my life. And I've had higher cholesterol being slim than being overweight. Also in retrospective, the ugly comments were irrelevant to living my life, they were just unpleasant to hear.

Finally, attractiveness is not AT ALL about how you look, it's a matter of attitude. I've had instances of failing to attract a girl I liked while being fit when I've felt without confidence, and succeeding easily with a belly when feeling confident. It's about the image you project with your attitude, not about how you look. And to be honest I think there's more closeted people who like chubbier people than they are willing to admit.

I hope this helps.

You’ll need a gmail account but that’s also free. Once you have one you can access Google docs through this link

docs.google.com/

You can also just Google “Google docs”

Try Google Docs, it's free.

I have also felt like that before. I don't think I can say I've ever been fat, my heaviest has been about 172 lbs, after a toxic relationship that isolated me from everyone. It sure was a bloody high price to pay, but it's the only thing that's been effective in fattening me. My mum started giving me constant comments implying that it was not something that should happen to *me*, like being fat is meant for the others, not for me. It's hard to explain, but in a nutshell I think she meant that I was superior to those who got fat and that I should not let that happen to me. I thing this is utter bullshit, there's no such thing as superior people, nevertheless I did lose the weight after that, even though I had never experienced as much pleasure as when I felt my (technically) overweight body.

I have now decided that I don't want to die thinking how I never dared to be the person that I wanted to be because of these prejudices that aren't even mine. I am actively trying to become obese. Every now and then I think I should stop, stay as I am with the weight I've already gained, and I reckon that one day that'll be wise, but not until I can at least technically claim to be or have been obese. Truth is, it's bloody hard for me to gain, and I also envy those who have gotten fat without even trying. But, you know, I guess we just have to accept our bodies and keep trying hard.

Don't lose your determination, don't let your doubts deceive you. At the end of the day, you have to live your life the way you want or you'll end up regretting it even more. There's nothing inherently wrong with being fat. By all means, keep track of your health and do lose weight if a health specialist tells you it's threatening your life or wellbeing, but don't listen to anyone that tries to imply that you're turning yourself into a lesser kind of person for getting fat, no matter how much you love this person or if it's a figure of authority to you.

I believe it has something to do with getting more subcutaneous fat and less visceral fat. Check out user becomingoverweight 's posts, he's a true biohacker.