I'm wondering if anyone might have an experience similar to mine and be able to offer some advice.

I'm a gainer who has truly wanted to be fat since childhood and has never really viewed fatness as a negative thing when it comes to other people. However, I've grappled with a lot of internalized fatphobia and shame about sexual desires, so I have mostly just been a bit chubby throughout my years of on and off gaining. I got over my internalized fatphobia by the time I deliberately crossed into "obesity" and lived there for some time, but then I involuntarily lost a lot of weight because I hadn't been gaining in a healthy way.

I slowly regained some of the weight, then several months ago I came to terms with my sexual guilt and accepted that I did want to actually try to gain again, just being a lot more careful with my diet.

I've been having a lot of success with this for the past few weeks, and I estimate that I've gained over ten pounds without putting a significant amount of strain on my digestion like I did before. A lot of this is easier for me now because I'm using an app to keep track of my macros every day. I PROMISE this isn't an ad, this post is not about that app lol.

So if my guilt isn't about Being Fat, and it's not about the whole Kink of it all, then what am I feeling guilty about, you might ask? The mere act of eating food, more than I physically require. I don't hold other people to the same standards as myself in this, but when it comes to me, seeing the amount of excess food I'm deliberately consuming (while this is all very hot lol) makes me feel guilty when I think about the people who don't have access to food. The fact that every dollar I spend on some extra food for me, especially extra fresh and healthy food, could be spent to help feed someone in need instead... And I don't know how to cope with that.

I spoke with my therapist about it, (leaving out the parts about deliberately gaining because I don't particularly want to be talked out of it) and she suggested that instead of focusing on all the money/time/food I'm Not giving to people in need, I should focus on what I can do and put energy into doing that, whether it's a donation or volunteering.

This is the direction I was leaning before talking to her as well, but I'm struggling to figure out what that should look like for me. I find myself wondering, How much do I need to do before it's enough? How much is too much? Will I ever feel like I'm truly doing the right thing or can I get over feeling like I'm "wasting resources" on myself?

I've cancelled my frivolous monthly subscriptions as a start, looking to cancel the yearly ones next. But how do I maintain a healthy amount of my hedonistic, "live in the moment" mindset that gets me through the hard times without becoming uncompassionate for people who don't ever have the option to live that way?

If you read everything here, I'm grateful. If you have thoughts on this or related experiences you'd like to share, I'd appreciate that too!

I understand this feeling. The biggest factor that has helped me is making friends who are fat and happy, especially outside of the fetish context. Also taking your gains more slowly can help because it makes the changes less obvious so people won’t comment on them as much.

Sometimes people outside of the feedism community who are fat will have a negative opinion of the fetish, but I think it’s worth it to get to know them. The risk is that you may develop more shame about the fetish aspect, but that will always be there because of taboo. The benefit is you get to know a variety of fat people, know their experiences and feelings, and see that a fat and happy life with friends and romance and sex is attainable. The key is seeing the person for who they are while recognizing how their weight throughout their life has shaped their personality and experiences.

Think about how and how often you interact with fat people on a regular basis. Examine whether you treat them differently from thinner folks and why, and also consider if you might be trying to ignore their fat as part of their identity! A lot of people, even those who are fat against their will, do want that taken into consideration (respectfully, of course) by people who interact with them.

I wish you the best, and from someone who struggles with all kinds of shame, body image issues, and social anxiety, I hope you can find your best way to live authentically. It is ALWAYS worth it to be your true self inside and out.