Glitter Jelly:
As I've mentioned before, I've involuntarily gained 20-25 lbs pounds in 2024 (by now it's probably closer to 35-40 but I'm too afraid to step on the scale and face reality).
Knowing myself, if the number is much higher than I expected, I'll spiral deeper into my depression and the suicidal ideations will get even worse than they are right now.
I'm not in denial, however.
Looking in the mirror, I can see my waistline is less defined, the fat pads on my lower back and around my knees are thicker, my thighs and my boobs are bigger (I seldom wear a bra but the last time I couldn't wait to take it by the end of the day)... I'm AFAB but identify as agender so no, this isn't something I'm excited about.
Also, I've noticed that many of the M-L sized clothes I've bought in the last few months to replace my outgrown XS-S wardrobe are much tighter that I like them especially around the waistline and at the legs.
This is all the more concerning to me because I had intentionally bought them larger than necessary in order to feel more comfortable and less self conscious of my fuller figure.
Even at my skinniest (I got down to 90 lbs at the worst of the anorexia relapse), I've always preferred looser clothing as I hate feeling constricted.
Because of my autism and sensory hypersensitivities, I can't tolerate wearing tight clothes so I've increasingly been avoiding wearing most my new wardrobe.
I don't need to dress up in the morning as I've been on sick leave since May 2024 therefore most days I wear whatever I slept in the night before all day long.
I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but whereas I rarely wore longewear outside of the house when I was thinner, lately I've been shipping to the grocery store and droving my boyfriend to his school or workplace in my pyjamas and winter coat (which was much roomier when I got it in November) and I didn't care what people thought of me.
In case you were wondering, they weren't the type of nightwear that could easily be mistaken for actual clothes.
When I bother dressing up, I always reach for the loosest ones I own, usually sweatpants and hoodies. I know these habits aren't helping my weight loss because that's how I unknowingly got fatter in the first place...
It's only when I have to dress up for special occasions (like my friend's funeral in August or Christmas) that I can fully appreciate how much fatter I am now.
I'm definitely not thin anymore, I'm chubby and on my way to becoming fat. Unless I do something drastic like cut all sugars (including fruits and sweet vegetables) and starches from my diet, soon enough I'll be obese like I was before.
In August or September I tried the pretty dress I wore last year at my boyfriend's parents Christmas dinner and I was mortified when I couldn't zip it all the way up and it was obviously too small for me. I wouldn't dare trying it on today, the zip probably wouldn't go more than halfway up.
I hate myself for letting myself go like that... I fooled myself into believing a few chocolate bars, cookies and pastries wouldn't make me fat but after so many years of severe restriction and clean eating my metabolism is extremely slow and my body has been holding on to every extra calorie I fed it.
Gaining weight isn't the end of the world, I know it's not what you want but you can still change that, and you can still look good no matter what size you are.
It's okay if you need to buy more clothes at a size that is more comfortable for you now. It may actually help your body dysmorphia if your clothes aren't as tight on you.
If you're looking to lose weight I'd be careful about cutting all sugars as that can't be dangerous for your body and could result in slowing your metabolism all the way to a halt. I'd recommend using a tdee calculator to see how many calories your body burns in a day and try to eat just under that. That way you can lose weight at a decent pace without having to cut out the sweets and pastries you love. Weight loss is primarily a numbers game of calories in and calories out. So as long as you count them, and make sure you're not letting too many in, you can have leeway when it comes to dieting.
Just don't give into despair, don't think less of yourself as a person just because you're a bit heavier than the average person. This is a community that celebrates fat and embraces it as a natural part of being human. It's okay if that's not for you, and you could do with less of it. But you don't have to let that hurt your self esteem
