Adiprose:
Like many here, I first identified as a feeder, had "weird" thoughts imagining myself being fat, and tried to reject/suppress these feelings for years. The urges always come back...and now I know I'm really committed.
While fighting these urges, I attempted to bulk and gain muscle. I'm very thin, and I wanted a conventionally attractive, "bodybuilder" body. However, I failed consistently: I worked out during most of this time, but I could never eat enough.
I didn't have the motivation to eat so much clean food to give myself a body that *others* wanted, but I did not want.
Now, I have realized that I won't gain anything if I become muscular. I don't want to be thin and muscular. I want a soft, unique, unusual body that is huge.
The thought of eating anything that I want doesn't feel like short-sighted recklessness anymore, it feels like a perfectly valid choice for my body.
But the biggest shift for me is realizing just how much safer I'll feel knowing that, even if I wanted to, I could never become fit and muscular with no bodyfat. It would grant me so much release to know that letting it go was all that I could do and was absolutely the right choice. The permanence of it would fill me with warmth.
Does this resonate with anyone else?
Now I’m not a genius, but based on what I read it seems like you’re someone who doesn’t want to feel pressured anymore from certain beauty standards.
While I personally don’t resonate with what you’re going through, I can understand the whole feeling about it. And yes, whatever kind of physique that you want is completely your choice in the end for how you wish to express yourself and be happy about it! Despite the world of self-improvement and (perhaps) social standards say otherwise.
Honestly I always welcome anyone to a site like this where they can feel more “like themselves”. Even if it’s with the weight gain or not, it’s all about feeling good and not guilty about anything.
