Natatat:
I was recently in a discussion about sex with a guy I might want to actually be in a relationship with. He said and I hate what he said: “ All girls I've had really kinky sex with have cried telling me it's the best orgasm they had, and it's not coming from a place of anger it's intimate to hurt someone for their pleasure and comfort them afterwards. In a twisted way I don’t truly understand.”
It was upsetting to learn. That to me raises the question about how often is a kink and or fetish a reflection of trauma, abuse, toxic? Just idk all I know is that I’m not interested in that. I believe that sex is a culmination of what the relationship is. As in sex is an expression of love. And yeah it’s also recreational. But someone hurting me especially during sex and then comforting me is a horrifying concept. It made me wary of him. And just I had to bite my tongue and not point out that from what I know of his past relationships that was not a bdsm or something. That was an actual trauma toxic thing that those girls had brought into sex because that’s what they were shown that love is. I know people won’t agree with me. But when I read that it made me cry. It scared me. So just yeah a kink a fetish can be so many things. It can be a fun thing. It can be a liking a girl in dresses. It can be a penchant for shoes or whatever. It can be enjoying more to hold onto. It can be because maybe you have had better relationships with heavier people. It can be that you like the sounds they make when they are eating or really full. Or that they seem happier. Or just literally anything can be a turn on for whatever reason. Maybe it’s cause of morbid curiosity, maybe it’s a power thing. I know for me that My porn is completely separate from my relationships. Yes sometimes I am turned on by a pudgy belly spilling over jeans or them overeating or whatever. But it is not something I want to explore because for me it is a selfish thing. As in I would get bored and resentful if it was permanent. I get too sadistic. It’s not shame it’s more I don’t want that. Plus it’s not one or the other. So I mean idk. A fetish, kink, preferrence, whatever is complicated. Also some people just like how they look bigger or smaller. If they are confident and healthy then good for them. Idk it’s confusing. These discussions get heated. If someone writes on these topics you should be prepared for major criticism. Atm I’m exhausted and responding because why not. Plus that conversation was slightly upsetting and I’m curious
I won't comment on whether a relationship with this guy is advisable or not, as ultimately that's your decision, and I'm not fully clear on the situation/his past relationships. Under the assumption that you're still interested in him, however, I will advise you, if you haven't already, to talk to him about your feelings on the matter. If his kink is something you will never be able to entertain, let him know your boundaries. If he's accepting of those boundaries, wonderful. Likewise, if you're curious, he is ultimately the best person to ask about his perceptions, motivations, and desires. You might learn something new, or you might affirm your own beliefs; either outcome is good.
Additionally, I will point to this passage in the second research paper that I think describes well what some people get out of BDSM.
Crushing self-awareness either through physical or emotional pain forces an individual to focus on the here and now and liberates them from thinking about consequences.
I don't think there needs to be any trauma involved for someone to enjoy a kink or to have a sexuality that deviates from perceived norms. Sometimes you need an unconventional release. Sometimes you're just born that way.
I'll also point this out:
"to hurt someone **for their pleasure** and **comfort them afterwards**"
This alludes to two things that are really important to BDSM.
The first is consent; "for their pleasure" **requires** that all parties are consenting. A lot of care needs to be taken to ensure that all parties are aware of any risks that are involved in the kink and that there are clear lines of communication to slam the brakes in case things go too far. The point is to have fun.
The second is aftercare. After a scene or play, people will often engage in a bit of nonsexual intimacy while talking about which parts of the experience they enjoyed, what they want to explore further, and what they want to leave on the shelf next time. Again, the point here is to make sure everyone is having fun, and to reaffirm the baseline of love and affection with which partners should go into these experiences.
Again, talk to each other and educate yourselves.
