I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts on this dissertation or the excerpts I've provided.

I stumbled across a (public-access) dissertation about feederism written in 2008, and it being the first (and perhaps only) research on the subject, I thought it might be an interesting read. It's nearly 200 pages long--double-spaced, thankfully--but here it is if you want to check it out.
www.collectionscanada.gc.ca/obj/thesescanada/vol2/002/MR43596.PDF

The research is exploratory in nature, and can be thought of as an establishing shot of the fetish. The author also frames their findings in the context of stigma (as a sociological concept) and how participants in the fetish manage or avoid the associated stigma (which is a subject I'm sure we're all quite familiar with). As with any good research paper, the author includes quite a bit of background information on the (limited and often misrepresentative) existing research on the subject as well as the terminology used in her analysis, which helped me--a relative lay person--digest the analysis quite easily.

Overall, I'd say it is a commendable piece that presents the kink with reasonable accuracy and keeps a clinical tone throughout, incorporating many primary source interviews from respondents found through Dimensions and Fantasy Feeder. (She does drop the clinical tone when she condemns some of the works she cites as being over-exaggerated; such works include blanket references to feeders as male and abusers and all feedees as female and victims, assertions which the author took great care to dismantle.)

There isn't much in the piece that anyone who has spent much time in this community wouldn't already know, but there are some choice quotes from the respondents (which I'll share below), the final list of questions respondents were asked (on page 146), and some opportunity for introspection as a community.


Starting off the quotes with quite a kicker:


Supporting Donna's point, one respondent had this to say on the topic of the author's identification as a BBW:


I don't think she really owes anyone anything, and this hardly feels appropriate to say to someone who is trying to act as an observer...

Moving on, the author makes the observation on page 101 that many of her feeder respondents use positive terminology (voluptuous, plus-sized, full-figured, etc.) to refer to feedee partners, rather than "obese," "overweight," or "fat." She guesses that this usage is motivated by an avoidance of the stigma of having a fat partner. Personally I wonder if this practice has changed over time or if it was ever true at all--maybe it was only a way to sanitize the language they used with an outsider. Maybe the motivation is actually more about being affirming to others in the community and lessening the stigma feedees might feel.

On the next page, a quote on being "out" about feederism (rather than just appreciating fat partners) reads:


As a man, I have been spared the attentions of my peers for most of my life, and I'm curious to know about the experiences Susan is talking about. I can guess that these bad experiences run the gamut from objectification to outright abuse. The feederism community suffers for the reputation that such interactions garner for us, and I wonder why people think they would be a good idea (who is socializing feeders to be jackasses? There aren't exactly a lot of us. Is it white knight syndrome? Something else?) and what can be done about it.

Finally, an interesting observation from Donna again:


This is an interesting topic. There are interesting parallels as well as definite differences. Both someone trying to gain weight and a visibly trans person are often seen as alien. But being fat is probably less transgressive and they can hide their intent from strangers. On the other hand, a trans person might eventually pass, presenting as the gender they identify with, but a fat person getting fatter only grows further from the norm with each pound.

I think this depends on how important it is to you, compared to other factors, that you find a partner who is just as into feederism as you are. If you're looking for a life partner who you'll enjoy being around outside of the context of kink in the long term, you shouldn't pigeonhole yourself by looking at sites and events catered specifically towards feederism or fat admiration.

Even if finding a relationship involving feederism is important to you, this is something you and a potential partner can discuss once you've gotten to know each other better. It's even possible that this is a lifestyle they could discover they enjoy, despite having never been introduced to it before, or that they have a neutral but accommodating attitude to this kink.

I don't have the ethos to back up my suggestion, as I'm still on the search myself, but I'd suggest just downloading a dating app and trying to make a connection there first. If you find someone you really click with, a discussion about each other's sexual interests will come up eventually.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you lose the weight in the first place? A hundred pounds in a year is about 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks, which is at the upper end of a healthy rate of loss from what I understand.

This is something I'm often curious about as well. I suspect the answer is that most people in long-term feeder/feedee relationships met outside of dedicated communities like this one and instead just made a connection with one another where the kink came up later.

That's just based on my observation of anecdotal evidence, though.

ljrockarts and Blimp Bizkit gave awesome answers.

As has been stated, finding a partner who is a delight to be around even outside the bedroom should probably be your first priority. However, I do think that I have an easier time saying this because ethical non-monogamy has been a good match for me. When I came out as a feeder to the person whom I now consider my life partner, they accepted my tastes non-judgementally--which was an immense relief, as I, like you, agonized about rejection as a result of this confession.

In the end, they said they weren't interested in the kink for varying reasons, and this was disappointing, but easier to accept because I knew that they weren't my only chance to find a feedee. Ultimately, my relationship with them has flourished despite not sharing this kink because we connect in other ways. In addition, that they know that I have this kink and are still accepting of me makes me feel like I have a place in this world.

There's something immensely liberating about being seen for what I am and loved regardless of the things about which I have agonized and even hated myself for. I can count on one hand the number of people I know IRL who know I have this kink, and my partner is one of them--they might even be the only one, if I remember correctly. But that there is at least one person who doesn't judge me for my kink is helping me build the confidence to tell future partners as I continue dating.

My perspective might be niche, as ENM isn't exactly widely practiced, but I think the takeaway is this:

If you have a genuine connection to someone, and if part of why you love each other is because you both have been accepting of actual flaws and shortcomings even as you find ways to celebrate the things that make you each beautiful, then telling them that you have an odd kink will not destroy your relationship, especially if you are both committed to communication and respectful of each other's boundaries.

I think this advice is applicable even outside of the context of kink or romantic/sexual relationships. Be honest. Be kind. Be respectful. I doubt you would be happy in a relationship with a judgemental person regardless of whether this kink was a factor. Kindness is the most attractive trait of all. You'll seek it in others. Let them find it in you.

For me it boils down to being a kind human being with passions I can relate to!

Shared nerdy interests and a willingness to have silly or insightful discussions about them are important to me; not only do I want to be able to spend time with someone doing something I'd enjoy anyway, but I also want to be able to reminisce and geek out about these things when we're just chatting. It comes down to me wanting to be able to be friends with someone as a foundation to the relationship.

A willingness to communicate and an open mind are vitally important to me. My life partner has spoiled me in this regard; they don't beat around the bush or play mind games, and it's that honesty that allows us to go through our relationship without the fear of tiptoeing around one another. This isn't the same as being inconsiderate of each other's feelings; it's about trusting one another with our feelings, whatever they may be.

I like people who have a passion or ambition they work toward. I want to be able to cheer someone on and for them to ramble about something that might go over my head at first. People who can teach me something new through their enthusiastic example give me joy when they show that enthusiasm to me, especially because I really feel like I am joining them in their adventure through life! (What can I say, I love a good story!)

Appearance does matter to me to a certain degree; my tastes tend away from the "sorority girl" look and much more toward the "subversive queer" look, likely because my best friends though my life fall among the latter. Apart from that, good hygiene is important as hell, and a genuine smile is really attractive.

Finally, people who treat service workers with kindness and respect are sexy as hell

Tell her outright (if you haven't already) that you're enjoying the extra pudge on her, and ask her if she's enjoying it too. It seems like she's reacting positively, but having each other's tastes out in the open can only be a good thing.

Even if she answers that she doesn't want to gain more and would even want to lose weight, this would be something she would eventually decide on her own if you had left things unsaid. Either way, by being openly communicative, you gain the opportunity to be supportive of her choice.

Leaving these things unsaid invites you both to try to read each other's minds, and that's a dangerous game.

I don't think I've ever seen this before, but there is a user whose profile I visited and noticed I could see the upgrade button to the right of the follow button. Otherwise, from my examination, their profile looked normal.

Reloading the page did not make the upgrade button disappear. I did not press the upgrade button to see what would happen.

I can DM a FF team member with more details.

Obviously there are things like strawpoll and Google Surveys, but it'd be neat to be able to post and react to polls entirely on this site.