Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention in my post. I will say that your position is more difficult to be in than mine, I think, because I focus most often on the idea of stuffing someone rather than encouraging them to gain weight.

This has been reflected in my fiction and RP so far, but it's entirely possible that I'm wrong about my tastes or that I'll eventually crave a relationship with a gainer. That said, I do think I'd be happy being in a relationship with someone who would overeat or let me stuff them from time to time even if they otherwise tried to maintain or even lose weight to get to their ideal.

I seem to be in the minority in this regard, though.

Seems like your situation lines up with mine to a degree, except that I lack sexual experience, feederism-related or not. (It's equal parts amusing and frustrating that I've topped in a BDSM setting before I've even been in bed with someone.) That said, I love my partners dearly, and as frustrating as the absence of this kink in my relationships thus far has been, I'm hopeful for what the future brings.

I'm going to assume that you've discussed your specific interest in this kink with your partners (current or past, it's unclear), but if that isn't true, or for the sake of others reading this, I'll say that you should include this kink in discussions about what turns each of you on as you figure out how to best address each other's appetites. You may be in for a pleasant surprise.

That said, my track record for such confessions is nothing to brag about. My partner does not share my kink, nor do they want to participate in feederism, but they are already fat and these days they more readily admit how beautiful they are. (I will not claim any credit for this; therapy can do wonders for a person's confidence.) Their boundary against feederism is one I don't think will ever come down, as it's deeply rooted in trauma from past relationships. They are otherwise quite interested in more vanilla kinks, and thanks to them I've discovered a taste for topping that I don't think I'd have explored on my own.

They are also quite the advocate for ENM, which is something I've picked up in turn. For one thing, practicing ENM allows me to maintain a relationship with them and other partners regardless of whether they will share or entertain my kink, which is an enormous relief and allows me to pursue the full potential of those relationships without feeling like I have to choose between them and my kink.

I'm still looking for a feedee, and in fact I have yet to talk to my other partners about it, so who knows--maybe I'll get lucky and my search will end with someone I'm already talking to. In the meantime, I certainly relate to what you said about something being missing. It's frustrating to know how few of us there are, and, despite what I like to say about being open, the threat of being ostracized for this kink feels real.

I will hijack this thread a little and pose a question of my own to anyone who reads this thread. Who do you think is more likely to be receptive to this kink if they are not already a part of the community--people who are thin, fit, or average weight, or people who are already fat? My guess is the former; the latter group seem more likely to have suffered from and thus want to avoid the stigmas associated with being fat.

Agreed on all points. It's frustrating that the movie that comes to mind as specifically tackling feederism portrays a predatory relationship. I hope someday that some of the positive aspects of the kink and lifestyle--themes of nurturing and acceptance--rather than abuse are given proper treatment in media.

I have some theories on this actually.

One theory is that feederism is too niche to have good publicity and too benign (compared to things like pedophilia and a number of other taboos that the dissertation touches on) to seem like something that needs urgent investigation. On the latter point, it's the extreme cases of abuse that serve as lightning rods when it does attract attention.

The second theory is aligned with yours, but generalized. Fat/weight gain in general is not only taboo, it was long considered a closed case as a biological and psychological phenomenon. There's a relative lack of research on why people gain weight (even disregarding intentional gainers); for a long time people subscribed to dogma, as noted in the dissertation, that people who eat too much and can't control their appetite gain weight and people who are disciplined can manage their weight. The role genetics, hormonal imbalances, and other factors play seem to have been quietly ignored for the most part; researchers and people in general just don't want to talk about it. I imagine that more interest in the processes of weight gain would have drawn more interest in feederism as a result.

The third theory is that, as a kink, attraction toward larger bodies and the desire to foster growth in partners is a primary taboo in the specific context of modern, western(-influenced) societies, further limiting an already limited scope, given the rarity of the kink. Furthermore, the ability for these tastes to crystalize into communities has only recently been facilitated by the advent of the internet; this isn't to say that there weren't feeders before--look at Dimensions. But I'm sure it would have been hard to conduct research on the subject prior to global mass communication facilitated by the web.

I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts on this dissertation or the excerpts I've provided.

I stumbled across a (public-access) dissertation about feederism written in 2008, and it being the first (and perhaps only) research on the subject, I thought it might be an interesting read. It's nearly 200 pages long--double-spaced, thankfully--but here it is if you want to check it out.
www.collectionscanada.gc.ca/obj/thesescanada/vol2/002/MR43596.PDF

The research is exploratory in nature, and can be thought of as an establishing shot of the fetish. The author also frames their findings in the context of stigma (as a sociological concept) and how participants in the fetish manage or avoid the associated stigma (which is a subject I'm sure we're all quite familiar with). As with any good research paper, the author includes quite a bit of background information on the (limited and often misrepresentative) existing research on the subject as well as the terminology used in her analysis, which helped me--a relative lay person--digest the analysis quite easily.

Overall, I'd say it is a commendable piece that presents the kink with reasonable accuracy and keeps a clinical tone throughout, incorporating many primary source interviews from respondents found through Dimensions and Fantasy Feeder. (She does drop the clinical tone when she condemns some of the works she cites as being over-exaggerated; such works include blanket references to feeders as male and abusers and all feedees as female and victims, assertions which the author took great care to dismantle.)

There isn't much in the piece that anyone who has spent much time in this community wouldn't already know, but there are some choice quotes from the respondents (which I'll share below), the final list of questions respondents were asked (on page 146), and some opportunity for introspection as a community.


Starting off the quotes with quite a kicker:


Supporting Donna's point, one respondent had this to say on the topic of the author's identification as a BBW:


I don't think she really owes anyone anything, and this hardly feels appropriate to say to someone who is trying to act as an observer...

Moving on, the author makes the observation on page 101 that many of her feeder respondents use positive terminology (voluptuous, plus-sized, full-figured, etc.) to refer to feedee partners, rather than "obese," "overweight," or "fat." She guesses that this usage is motivated by an avoidance of the stigma of having a fat partner. Personally I wonder if this practice has changed over time or if it was ever true at all--maybe it was only a way to sanitize the language they used with an outsider. Maybe the motivation is actually more about being affirming to others in the community and lessening the stigma feedees might feel.

On the next page, a quote on being "out" about feederism (rather than just appreciating fat partners) reads:


As a man, I have been spared the attentions of my peers for most of my life, and I'm curious to know about the experiences Susan is talking about. I can guess that these bad experiences run the gamut from objectification to outright abuse. The feederism community suffers for the reputation that such interactions garner for us, and I wonder why people think they would be a good idea (who is socializing feeders to be jackasses? There aren't exactly a lot of us. Is it white knight syndrome? Something else?) and what can be done about it.

Finally, an interesting observation from Donna again:


This is an interesting topic. There are interesting parallels as well as definite differences. Both someone trying to gain weight and a visibly trans person are often seen as alien. But being fat is probably less transgressive and they can hide their intent from strangers. On the other hand, a trans person might eventually pass, presenting as the gender they identify with, but a fat person getting fatter only grows further from the norm with each pound.

I think this depends on how important it is to you, compared to other factors, that you find a partner who is just as into feederism as you are. If you're looking for a life partner who you'll enjoy being around outside of the context of kink in the long term, you shouldn't pigeonhole yourself by looking at sites and events catered specifically towards feederism or fat admiration.

Even if finding a relationship involving feederism is important to you, this is something you and a potential partner can discuss once you've gotten to know each other better. It's even possible that this is a lifestyle they could discover they enjoy, despite having never been introduced to it before, or that they have a neutral but accommodating attitude to this kink.

I don't have the ethos to back up my suggestion, as I'm still on the search myself, but I'd suggest just downloading a dating app and trying to make a connection there first. If you find someone you really click with, a discussion about each other's sexual interests will come up eventually.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you lose the weight in the first place? A hundred pounds in a year is about 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks, which is at the upper end of a healthy rate of loss from what I understand.

This is something I'm often curious about as well. I suspect the answer is that most people in long-term feeder/feedee relationships met outside of dedicated communities like this one and instead just made a connection with one another where the kink came up later.

That's just based on my observation of anecdotal evidence, though.

ljrockarts and Blimp Bizkit gave awesome answers.

As has been stated, finding a partner who is a delight to be around even outside the bedroom should probably be your first priority. However, I do think that I have an easier time saying this because ethical non-monogamy has been a good match for me. When I came out as a feeder to the person whom I now consider my life partner, they accepted my tastes non-judgementally--which was an immense relief, as I, like you, agonized about rejection as a result of this confession.

In the end, they said they weren't interested in the kink for varying reasons, and this was disappointing, but easier to accept because I knew that they weren't my only chance to find a feedee. Ultimately, my relationship with them has flourished despite not sharing this kink because we connect in other ways. In addition, that they know that I have this kink and are still accepting of me makes me feel like I have a place in this world.

There's something immensely liberating about being seen for what I am and loved regardless of the things about which I have agonized and even hated myself for. I can count on one hand the number of people I know IRL who know I have this kink, and my partner is one of them--they might even be the only one, if I remember correctly. But that there is at least one person who doesn't judge me for my kink is helping me build the confidence to tell future partners as I continue dating.

My perspective might be niche, as ENM isn't exactly widely practiced, but I think the takeaway is this:

If you have a genuine connection to someone, and if part of why you love each other is because you both have been accepting of actual flaws and shortcomings even as you find ways to celebrate the things that make you each beautiful, then telling them that you have an odd kink will not destroy your relationship, especially if you are both committed to communication and respectful of each other's boundaries.

I think this advice is applicable even outside of the context of kink or romantic/sexual relationships. Be honest. Be kind. Be respectful. I doubt you would be happy in a relationship with a judgemental person regardless of whether this kink was a factor. Kindness is the most attractive trait of all. You'll seek it in others. Let them find it in you.