Glitter Jelly:
It's official, I'm fat again...
Not fat as in "I feel fat today", fat as in medically overweight (BMI > 25).
I was a chubby kid and as an adult I used to be much heavier (180+ lbs) but after loosing a lot of weight about 10 years ago I was proud that I had managed to keep most of it off.
For the last few years, my weight was pretty stable, fluctuating between 115-120 lbs. Last October, I was 121 lbs.
In March, after noticing some of my clothes (non-stretch dresses and jeans particularly) were getting noticeably tighter, I decided to step on the scale and cried when I saw I was 125 lbs.
I started being more sell conscious and adopted a more restrictive diet, which was easy as I had been prescribed a stimulant ADHD medication in September.
Then I started waking up at night to eat, sometimes multiple times.
Some nights it would be only a fruit and some cheese, but other nights I would eat a large slice of banana bread, spoonfuls of nut butter right from the jar, half a brick of cheese, handfuls of candy, chocolate...
It wasn't long before most of my XS-S wardrobe either didn't fit or was uncomfortably tight to the point I felt embarrassed to wear them in public.
Reluctantly, I weighted myself again in August and had a huge meltdown when I saw I was 139 lbs and had gained 15 lbs in only 5 months!
My depression has gotten really bad because I'm terrified my weight is going to climb faster and faster until I'm as fat or fatter than I used to be. Maybe this time I'll cross the line into morbid obesity.
I just bought a keyed lock for my fridge and replaced all the knobs on my kitchen cabinet for handles so I can lock them with wire locks. I'm going to keep the keys in a timed lock box with no override.
I'm hoping this will help me lose some of the extra weight or at least stop or slow down the weight gain... I'm not delusion, however, so I already started selling all my XS clothes because it's very unlikely I'll ever be that thin again as my metabolic is ruined from years of dieting.
None of this is going to help me when I sleep at my boyfriend's place (more often than not), as he doesn't want to lock his cabinets and fridge.
I suspect he likes my new curves but I sure don't. I don't recognize my body when I look in the mirror and feel very disconnected from it.
I've been on sick leave since May so my coworkers will undoubtedly notice my fuller figure even if I try to hide my fat under loose clothing.
I dread their comments, especially from those who used to praise me for / envy my formerly thin body. I used to wear pretty dresses everyday and now none of these fit me anymore.
Can anyone relate? Any advice / kind words will be appreciated.
ETA:
I know how crazy this sounds coming from someone who identifies as a FA. Yet, while I find beauty in bodies of all shapes and sizes, I struggle to see it in myself. Maybe this is PTSD from the relentless bullying / body shaming I suffered as a child?
Munchies:
Hello fellow human with body dysmorphia. You are not weird or bad for feeling how you are feeling. You are also not a failure for gaining either.
To be very clear, I am not telling you that you need to get over your emotions and embrace the fat life. I am also not saying you need to hunker down and lose everything you gained. But you are valid no matter your shape.
Are you seeing a therapist about this?
Yes, I think I might have body dysmorphia. It was never diagnosed but I relate to the experience.
I'm on sick leave and my employer has a program where you get to have 6 (actually 5 because the first appointment is only the therapist asking you questions so they can pinpoint the most pressing issues in your life right now).
Mine is going to help me accept my fat body more. I'm a long way to body positivity but if I can at least achieve body neutrality that would be a step in the right direction.
I know she wants me to become more active because it would help with my mood, but I can't help but hear "you need to get off your lazy ass you fat pig" when she says that. I've always associated exercise to weight loss.
She says she's not going to help me lose weight, that it's not the objective, but it's like I'm allergic to the words "try to be more active"!
The fact my bf keeps saying how beautiful I am, that his former gf were fatter than I am and that he would still have found me beautiful when I was at my highest weight (he's seen pictures) should help but I feel this will have to come from me.
He used to be much fatter himself and, like me, he has loose skin. At least loving his body has helped me realize loose skin isn't as ugly as I used to think otherwise I wouldn't love his body. And it's soft than normal skin, too... I love stroking his underarms and inner thighs.
