I know.

Thank you for doing that, even if I admit the ED part of me gets extremely angry when you write I'm not fat.

I've read many of your messages here and it's obvious that your interventions not only with me but with so many other FF users are well intentioned.

I sure you can find understand that noticing the slightest change in people's attitude towards me tends to validate my conviction that, from an outside perspective, if I am not fat yet I'm definitely on my way and people are noticing.

As I grew thinner I had noticed that I got more attention from men and even some women were nicer to me. Like, I could jay walk across a street and cars would hastily stop to let me.

Or during traffic time if I wanted to merge into a congested car lane, some people would look at me, smile and allow me.

Now there is less of that, the same way there was less of it before I lost the weight. I'm losing thin privilege and, as a formerly fat child, teenager and young adult who had never benefited from it before I entered dangerously thin territory (especially considering my high starting weight) this is very hard to accept.

In the episode "Tell me I'm fat" of the podcast "This american life", a woman working on that show who lost over 100 lbs on phentermine, talks about many instances where she was surprised that she could get away with being a full 10$ short to pay for her grocery (when acting like she was trying to decide what to eliminate from her basket she would be told "just take it" ).

Or when other thin people started looking her body up and down and nodding approvingly at her...

When she was heavy those things didn't happen to her and I can confirm it's true because I've had very similar things happen to me.

I imagine it's hard to believe if you haven't experienced it for yourself. The best way I can describe it is it's like you're a completely different person.

So, despite knowing the very real health risks, she kept taking the phentermine for over 10 years after her prescription had ended, buying it from the black market.

I can't blame her, I would have done the same if I'd lost my weight that way.

In my case, I happily remained in quasi-recovery from my anorexia for close to 10 years (until last October I was still significantly restricting my caloric intake and demonstrated many orthorexic behaviours) because I was terrified a full recovery meant getting fat again and most likely overshooting my highest weight (I had a BMI of 34).

It seems those fears were justified, if what's been happening to me lately is any indication of what's to come.

It's not that I suddenly embraced recovery and took steps towards healing my relationship with food and my body.

Despite my best efforts to restrict, I inevitably end up stress eating and bingeing on "forbidden foods" (like cookies and pastries which I had strictly been avoiding since my relapse except when I was forced to have them while in treatment), especially at night when my self-control is at its weakest.

This was not only unacceptable to me, I felt I wouldn't be able to keep on living if that happened. I had actually decided on a weight at which I'd have to kill myself if I ever reached it.

Well, this somewhere between last March and last August and, although my mental health significantly deteriorated, I'm still alive. I'm at least 10 lbs over that number by now and hate myself for letting myself go like this (even though I didn't chose to have so many stressful events happen back to back in the last few months and the hormonal imbalances might have contributed to my WG).

I'd be lying if I said I don't feeling like dying when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror or outgrow another favourite piece of clothing.

I struggle with ED thoughts (after I overeat or indulge in certain foods I often feel compelled to purge but I don't... it's a constant battle) and body dysmorphia.

I'm working on these issues as best as I can, but without the help of ED specialists I'm not sure I'll manage to get myself out of the hole I dug myself into.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak out.

This had never happened to me in the past and I've always been a fast eater, regardless of my weight.

I'm just happy I didn't get sick but I arrived late to the workshop I had signed up for.

When I joined the group, I was relieved to see most of the women attending were overweight or obese because some of the exercises we did made me feel very self conscious.

I might not be fat but at 5'1" the last number I saw on the scale (and I
might have gained a few lbs because my clothes feel tighter) my BMI is over 25 so I am medically overweight.

Since I've been aware of this, as much as I try to ignore it the ED voice in my head, it has gotten really loud and mean.

Glad I found this thread this morning...

I got up late so I hadn't have time to eat breakfast this morning so I was having thin slices of turkey breast and swiss cheese in my car while driving to my destination.

I didn't overeat (at least I don't think so) but I ate so fast I had a few hiccups and then it felt like the food was stuck somewhere in between my mouth and stomach. It was more than uncomfortable... painful almost.

I thought maybe I should drink something to help wash it down but I didn't because was too afraid I'd vomit in my car (yucky and triggering to me because I used to purge when I was anorexic).

I stopped at the rest area and prepared for the inevitable but as I was hunching over to puke... nothing happened. I felt relieved that the food stayed down.

I have 2 slices to go but I'll have small bites and take time to swallow instead of rolling them, barely chewing and swallowing... I've had my lesson.

Is it possible that my belly roll when sitting in pushing up some on my stomach and makes it more likely that this will happen?

I've always been a fast eater even during my ED, and this had never happened to me (but back then I was so skinny you could actually see my stomach stretch out when I ate more than a few bites).

I find myself in a similar situation. Pants which are comfortable at the waistline when I did keep falling down when standing up. I need a belt ASAP, because people be noticing that I keep pulling up my pants.

I found a pair of very high waisted Stradivarius jeans which are particularly stretchy (they are meant for someone at least 2 sizes smaller than I am) in a thrift store. They are the only ones that stay put but I hadn't noticed the previous owner's thighs had pretty much destroyed the crotch area... There is a hole on the right side from her legs rubbing together. 🤦‍♀️

I still wear them for now, as I have no other acceptable pant options.

Oh yeah. My experience exactly. Even laying on my back I can't quite believe this expended figure is actually me. It feels a bit surreal.

I was very anorexic when my password picture was taken (around 92 lbs) but I gained about 50 lbs since then. I look so different, I can just imagine what border agents must be thinking. If any of them is info this kink, I must be a treat for the eyes, especially lately. When sitting I have a very visible belly roll.

I'm that's kind of fatty. Had to cross into obese category before I got a double chin and even at a BMI of 34 you wouldn't have been able to guess how fat the rest of my body was especially if my head was at the right angle.

I wonder why so many people here write they are 100 lbs when they are obviously WAY over that weight?

Is there a hidden meaning to this number I'm not catching on?

Last time I checked even Mochiibaby's profile here stated she was 100 lbs!

The story above reminds me of gainer fiction I've read on this website.

The way she was eating, maybe her WG was intentional and she acted like it wasn't so people wouldn't know?

The popularity of GLP-1 agonists is proof that anti fat bias is still a thing and undoubtedly fueled diet culture.

In this context, it makes sense that not everyone feels comfortable openly associating with this kink...

While I know many people wouldn't think of me as fat and I still have (at least some) thin privileges, it's the rate at which I've been gaining that is freaking me out.

Gaining 20 lbs in 5 months is very fast for me, as it took me 6 years to go from 90 lbs (at the worst of my anorexia) to 120 lbs.

Unless I can maintain or at least slow down the weight gain, I'll be back to my original weight (around 180 lbs) by next summer and I'm definitely not mentally ready for that.

I need some time to get used to this larger version of me and feel like myself again when I look in the mirror.

Body positivity feels out of reach... If I can achieve neutrality it will be a big step in healing my relationship to my body.