Words fail me.

Your account is fascinating. Two things jumped out at me: firstly, that you are truly conflicted about this. I wouldn't expect that to go away. There may come times in your life where the side of you that wants to be hugely fat takes precedence over the side of you that enjoys being fit and healthy and dislikes being addicted to a fetish; and there may be times when it goes the other way.

I don't know if it helps at all but maybe try accepting that this conflict will always exist. Of course being deliberately immobile is, in many ways, a stupid and reckless idea. On the other hand, you've been drawn to this fetish for long enough to know that it will probably always be a part of who you are and what you want.

For myself, I find the conflict sexy. One side of me revels in being fat, as I find the shape and softness erotic and beautiful. The other side of me finds it faintly despicable and almost a character weakness to have become overweight. But it's somewhere on this knife-point that the fun of the fetish lies for me.

Similarly I love watching other people's conflict about putting on weight, especially when they become self-conscious about it or try to diet and work out to lose it (for some reason I enjoy that more when it's a man hahaha, perhaps because I know men usually can lose weight more easily and quickly than women so it's less likely to really cause them real unhappiness!) The conflict in them and the struggle they have with their body and their conscience is exciting and interesting to me. Maybe I'm just a tiny bit sadistic?

The second thing I noticed when I read your post was that you express your situation and how you feel about it very well. Your writing is engaging. What about finding an outlet for some of your desires by writing about it? There are plenty of places where you can post stories or pieces online (whether real or imaginary), or start a blog or a tumblr about it. Alternatively you might try role-playing either online or in real life. You can fantasise with a partner about getting fatter without actually doing it. Or half-indulge the fetish - get them to tie you up and feed you doughnuts or something . Finding the right person is tricky though...

I think there's a middle line between letting your fetish take control of you, or alternatively, denying it completely. Have fun and try not to stress out about it.

It was probably said to be ignorance more than malice when white people wanted to keep separate buses/waiting rooms/schools for black people. Most discrimination is not intentionally mean. It doesn't mean it's ok. Particularly if you're the fat person on the receiving end of mindless, thoughtless treatment which is different to your thin peers every day.

I can understand a doctor assuming you want to lose weight. I can't understand the criticism or scathing attitude. The way Piggybelly described the way she touched her & spoke to her was akin to a doctor grabbing someone's big nose and going OMG LOOK AT YOUR MASSIVE HOOTER IT'S SO DISGUSTING, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GET PLASTIC SURGERY! Lol, not cool!

And another thing. I hate that you went to see her about irregular periods and she makes it all about your weight.

This is what puts off fat people from going to the doctor's about serious illness.

We fear we are just going to get a lecture about our weight whenever we set foot in the surgery, whether or not that's why we've gone for a consultation.

Additionally I worry that the doctor will attribute a complaint I have to my weight rather than find out the real cause.

So far, fortunately, my worries haven't actually been based on reality though. Even when I went to the GP with sore knees, which I full well know must be exacerbated by my weight, even if it's not wholly caused by it, the doctor was completely respectful and looked at all the possible causes and referred me for scans and to an orthopaedic surgeon (all on the NHS too). Only at the end of the appointment did he mention casually that weight loss, even a small amount, might assist as well. But as he said that, he laughed and said, "but it's not easy!" patting his own stomach - bless! (Oh and for the record, the scans and ortho-lady confirmed it was the way my knee joints are constructed, and not my weight, that caused the problems. Some physio sessions solved it.)

But because I was frightened of the reaction I'd get, I'd put off going to the doctors about it for ages.

Your experience just highlights WHY we feel put off going to see medical practitioners. Did the doctor actually get around to dealing with your irregular periods problem? Would she have dealt with a thin person the same way?

Your experience made me really sad. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

It's just a pity she had to be so judgmental and negative in her tone when in fact... you both want the same thing. You were planning to lose (a certain amount) anyway. It's not like you were fighting with her over that (even though her reasoning that you are killing yourself might well be flawed).

I would have expected her to offer a neutral and balanced assessment, and then ask what you thought about it. Upon hearing that yes, you did intend to lose, she should then have offered you some support and encouragement.

And you're right, she sounds wholly irresponsible to be offering or promoting weight loss surgery before even finding out if you can successfully lose weight by controlling your diet. How a medical practitioner can recommend invasive surgery (when all surgery carries risks) to modify your body artificially BEFORE she has even established that it's necessary is utterly unprofessional and harmful rather than helpful.

In the UK we call that gross misconduct.

And mean.

Try to block her bullying tactics out of your head and forget her. *poof* - gone.

Maybe she has her own issues about body image which is why she reacted like she did. She should really learn not to project those onto her patients though.

Good luck with your plans.

I'm loving the look, and I get the impression of someone pretty darn cool whenever I see him in the chat room. I kinda wish he was my friend cos then I could bask in his coolness

This site will tell you. Click on the airline, followed by the model of plane your flight uses (or put your flight number in, it will tell you what plane it is) and you should get the pitch and width measurements come up.

www.seatguru.com/

Fascinating!

Particularly interesting to me were the conclusions that:

- fat people who lose weight will have to maintain an artificial and permanent state of "starvation" FOR EVER AFTER in order to remain thin;

- adopted people are overweight if their biological parents are overweight, with little or no influence from their adoptive parents;

- obesity is around 70% inherited, more than heart disease or breast cancer.

What's so shameful is that despite the first of those studies being carried out in the 1950s:

1. society still castigates fat people for being lazy, greedy or not having the "willpower" to be thin rather than treating them as those who have a condition that they can do precious little about, ie. it's exactly like highly inheritable forms of cancer only even MORE difficult to avoid if you have the genetic pre-disposition; and

2. the diet industry still peddles its rubbish on the "scientific" premise that diets "work" when clearly (in the long term) they don't. And can't.

Hmm.

I'm gonna come over all British and say you have to wear something actually related to Hallowe'en on Hallowe'en. Like something spooky, undead, linked to the horror genre or in any way creepy.

All Hallow's Eve is supposedly the time when the physical and supernatural worlds have fewer barriers between them, so magical or scary stuff can happen. The celebration has its roots in Paganism and the festival of the dead. The themes at English parties are therefore usually around death, evil, the occult or monsters.

We don't tend to go for dressing up as a superhero or any other random costume on Hallowe'en... because frankly, what is that about?!

Go for a good old-fashioned vampire, ghost, mummy or character from a horror film. Or a style of dress that evokes the creepy genre - maybe a slightly dishevelled burlesque look with loads of gothic make-up, or Victoriana (the latter is always good - so many horror stories seem to feature that period).

For inspiration check the Bloody Mary Show - the latest online comedy horror show hehehehe www.bloodymaryshow.co.uk/

I'm bumping this thread cos I like seeing who's crushing on who, and I'm gonna need a bit of voyeurism amusement when Celeb Big Bro ends tonight!