Mrman1980uk:
To answer Munchies' question about what I mean by "vanilla dating" - I mean trying to find people for dating who aren't into this, whether through online dating apps or in person.
I am not sure exactly what Munchies meant by a relationship that does not "centre feedism" - any healthy relationship involves far more than just sexual aspects, obviously: one would have life goals, values, education, intellect, a sense of humour and other things in common, one would be able to communicate well; both partners would work together and be prepared to compromise for and be kind to the other, and both would enjoy shared activities as well as a healthy level of time alone. I certainly wouldn't want a relationship that is *only* about feedism - even in a relatively casual or short-term relationship, one would want to like the person and have things in common. One would want to find the person enjoyable company and be able to have good, engaging conversation about non-sexual topics.
But sexual attraction is a very important part of a relationship - and it's difficult for me really to take an interest in somebody knowing that she does not derive pleasure from the the things that I enjoy; and the idea of trying to find somebody who is not into this and trying to get her to do these things just for me when she does not enjoy them herself is just awful, partly because that's just an unkind thing to do, and partly because the eroticism is precisely in the shared pleasure - in the fact that the other person is genuinely deriving an erotic thrill from the same things as I am enjoying. The ultimate turn-off is somebody just going through the motions without actually enjoying it herself - and the thought of trying to encourage somebody to do something for my sexual pleasure that makes her genuinely uncomfortable is quite unbearable.
I understand that many people trying to meet people in this community find that lots of the people whom they encounter eventually confess that they are married. Obviously, non-consensual cheating on a spouse is not a nice thing to do - but the fact that there are so many married people here, looking for feedist encounters gives a good indication as to just how thoroughly unsatisfied many people with feedist tendencies are in relationships with people who do not share this preference - and those who are actually willing to cheat on a spouse and able to find somebody interested in them must be a small fraction of the total, so the number of people in sexually unsatisfactory relationships as a result of being with somebody who does not share preferences must be truly enormous. One can only imagine how trapped, frustrated and conflicted that those people must feel.
Perhaps it makes a difference quite what flavour of these preferences that one has. I am not, for example, interested in extreme weight gain or immobility (I do not mean to criticise those who do - it's just not my cup of tea). I'm more interested in moderate weight gain that is compatible with continuing to lead a full, active and independent life. But I'd really feel as though I'm missing out with someone who doesn't take some erotic joy in overindulgence and putting on weight (or, in due course, having put on weight - one cannot keep gaining forever) as a result. Having spoken to and been with people in that category, it's very hard to find a spark of joy in people who don't find pleasure in that, even if they are lovely in every other way.
Thanks for clarifying. As to your own question, you answered it yourself.
Glad to know you value people as people. Unfortunately, there are a sizable chunk of people on here who do not think like this. I have ... encountered some characters.
I think the most memorable one was the guy who have a mental health crisis because his non-feedist wife decided to lose weight. So while I would like to assume everyone is a decent human being, previous experience has taught me to clarify.
