You can certainly tell him you prefer him bigger, without admitting the feeding part. That might really *help* him feel better about his gain. And if it doesn't, well at least he isn't thinking about losing because he thinks it might affect you.

Me: happy; short; sharp wit; fat; passionate about life and ideas. You: love ample women; are rarely bored; love ideas, hate injustice. 30+ (40+ preferred) Together we'll shape something lovely and cling-free and full of giggles.

I know just what you mean. I've had various versions of this several times, including one guy with whom I started a relationship, he fell off the face of the planet, reappeared many months later all apologetic, and did it again at some point. Bah.

I think people think the internet and distances are excuses not to say what they're feeling or feel responsible to each other for basic courtesy. Sad.

But all we can do is keep trying. Unless we look like Mark, in which case I guess you just walk out the door, as he says

Tammy Cohen, a professional journalist whom I know to be responsible and thoughtful, is interested in doing a story on gainers. Here's what she asked me to post:

A monthly women's magazine is looking for a woman, 35 or under, preferably from the UK, who'd a) be willing to talk about why she has chosen to be part of the community and what it means to her, and would be happy to be photographed. There would be a fee for her time and trouble. The best way to contact me is via this email address tammycohen63@btinternet.com.

I'd be happy to chat with any of you who want to consider it, but I think you'd also find Tammy perfectly easy to talk to. She got in touch with me after the story in The Guardian.

As some of you know, I think working with thoughtful, honest journalists is an important way to combat all the negative stereotypes out there about us, so I hope a few people will respond.

Thanks, J

Hi, Mira,

I had a different thought, and very fast, on reading your post than others did. I immediately assumed that someone was constantly telling her she would get fat, or shouldn't eat that because she'd get fat, and pointing out people, saying 'you don't want to look like her, do you?'

Now, let me say that part of the reason that came to mind is because I've heard storied like that from students. So I know it happens. And partly it's because my mother was always on top of me not to eat too much. But in any case, I do think it's at least a possibility.

Were it to happen again, you could say to her "Who told you being fat is a bad thing? I enjoy it."

Whatever happens, please know that you were wonderful for being clear and direct without hurting her or getting angry. Brava! And *hugs*