Depression7:
I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get out of posting here. Let me start by saying I want NOTHING to do with a feeding lifestyle. If you are a couple who is into it and it’s not one person trying to convince another to partake, then honestly no judgement whatsoever. And bravo to the women who own that body positivity. However I am a woman who has been insecure about myself and my weight my entire life. I’ve always been just a little bit chubby. I’ve always had struggles with food. Always had anxiety and depression in some form as far as I can remember. And I have even suffered from eating disorders.
Well probably about 10 years ago (or maybe even more) I snooped on my husbands phone (also have trust issues) and I found this forum and other feeder and BBW fetish sites. And while a little disturbed I was okay with it at first because he wasn’t texting other women, he wasn’t cheating, and he wasn’t looking at women who I considered to be perfect body types that I would never achieve. Plus I had my own fantasies that he didn’t know about... it’s cool we all have our thing right? Nbd.
The only things that kind of bothered me was when I read articles like “how to convince my girlfriend to let me feed her” or “how to feed my wife against her will” because I wanted NO part in any of this fantasy. I did not and do not ever want my husband to look at me as a fat fetish. And even when he tells me that he likes my body when I gain weight, it makes me highly uncomfortable and I don’t like it!
Cut to 2 kids and 80 lbs later, I am about 230 lbs and MISERABLE. I never want to have sex or even change in front of my husband of 12 years, because I don’t like him looking at me like that. Keep in mind he has no idea that I know about his fetish. And I am totally cool with him looking at other women if that turns him on, but to me, I am insecure and I hate the way I look right now. Other BBW women are beautiful to me- when they are confident and own it. I get why he would be turned on by that. But to me, I feel ugly and fat and just so sad and defeated. And the fact that he LIKES it and is turned on by it makes me hate and resent him.
Recently I have found photos on his phone of myself where I look disgusting. And he crops me out. Crops out my face in photos where I have a double chin. Photos of me when I was 80 lbs thinner next to photos of me now.
And my anxiety and depression is really at an all time high as I’m the heaviest I have ever been in my life (not a coincidence- I overeat because I’m depressed/ I’m depressed because I overeat) and I just feel helpless like I can’t stop. And he tries to pretend like he wants to encourage me to be healthier but I know he doesn’t. It makes me want to starve myself honestly, and then when I try to, I end up binge eating because I just can’t stop.
I spent hours this morning crying after he left the house because of the way all this makes me feel. And I don’t know what to do or why I’m telling the group of people who have this very same fetish.
Maybe I’m hoping to get advice from someone like him... would you continue encouraging this lifestyle knowing it made your spouse miserable? Should I be honest and tell him I know everything?
Thanks for listening.
Well, the original poster has apparently deleted their account and will likely not see my reply. But for anyone else who might read it who might be helped by it, I thought I would respond.
I don't think this is about your husband's fetish/attraction - certainly you need to air that stuff out with your partner, set boundaries, etc. But we all have our individual fantasies, and you can't ask someone not to fantasize about something, but you can establish clear limits about how it can be present (or not) in your lives. It didn't sounds like he was being unfaithful, and to the best I can tell from what was stated here, he's not trying to manipulate you. (If he was, without your permission, that is a problem!).
I think the bigger issue here is how you feel about yourself. When I read how you feel about your body, it really struck home with me. I felt the same way about myself. I was an FA and a feeder, but as my weight climbed to 150 lbs and then 170 lbs, I felt so crappy about myself. I went to the gym, punished myself, felt guilty and anxious about myself. Tied in with some other stuff (the end of a long term relationship, depression, anxiety, etc.) I sought councelling and for a time was even on meds. My unhappiness related to my body and weight was not just about weight - it was about how I felt about myself. I had to learn how I was doing things to make me happy that, well, weren't making me happy. Though councelling I started to get in tune with myself to recognize, oh hey, THIS makes me happy, not THAT. And along that path, I started to come to grips with my own body and love it a little more, even though I've
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