As I've mentioned before, I've involuntarily gained 20-25 lbs pounds in 2024 (by now it's probably closer to 35-40 but I'm too afraid to step on the scale and face reality).

Knowing myself, if the number is much higher than I expected, I'll spiral deeper into my depression and the suicidal ideations will get even worse than they are right now.

I'm not in denial, however.

Looking in the mirror, I can see my waistline is less defined, the fat pads on my lower back and around my knees are thicker, my thighs and my boobs are bigger (I seldom wear a bra but the last time I couldn't wait to take it by the end of the day)... I'm AFAB but identify as agender so no, this isn't something I'm excited about.

Also, I've noticed that many of the M-L sized clothes I've bought in the last few months to replace my outgrown XS-S wardrobe are much tighter that I like them especially around the waistline and at the legs.

This is all the more concerning to me because I had intentionally bought them larger than necessary in order to feel more comfortable and less self conscious of my fuller figure.

Even at my skinniest (I got down to 90 lbs at the worst of the anorexia relapse), I've always preferred looser clothing as I hate feeling constricted.

Because of my autism and sensory hypersensitivities, I can't tolerate wearing tight clothes so I've increasingly been avoiding wearing most my new wardrobe.

I don't need to dress up in the morning as I've been on sick leave since May 2024 therefore most days I wear whatever I slept in the night before all day long.

I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but whereas I rarely wore longewear outside of the house when I was thinner, lately I've been shipping to the grocery store and droving my boyfriend to his school or workplace in my pyjamas and winter coat (which was much roomier when I got it in November) and I didn't care what people thought of me.

In case you were wondering, they weren't the type of nightwear that could easily be mistaken for actual clothes.

When I bother dressing up, I always reach for the loosest ones I own, usually sweatpants and hoodies. I know these habits aren't helping my weight loss because that's how I unknowingly got fatter in the first place...

It's only when I have to dress up for special occasions (like my friend's funeral in August or Christmas) that I can fully appreciate how much fatter I am now.

I'm definitely not thin anymore, I'm chubby and on my way to becoming fat. Unless I do something drastic like cut all sugars (including fruits and sweet vegetables) and starches from my diet, soon enough I'll be obese like I was before.

In August or September I tried the pretty dress I wore last year at my boyfriend's parents Christmas dinner and I was mortified when I couldn't zip it all the way up and it was obviously too small for me. I wouldn't dare trying it on today, the zip probably wouldn't go more than halfway up.

I hate myself for letting myself go like that... I fooled myself into believing a few chocolate bars, cookies and pastries wouldn't make me fat but after so many years of severe restriction and clean eating my metabolism is extremely slow and my body has been holding on to every extra calorie I fed it.

Not drinking water before bed slows down your metabolism? Does anyone know if there is scientific data on this?

If so I'd like to read it because it's always been a struggle for me to drink enough, period. Because of my poor sense of interception, by the time I feel thirsty, I'm parched and already dehydrated.

I make lists all the time but I never did for my therapy sessions...

I accidentally gained so much weight so fast this year I can't judge anymore if a piece of clothing will fit me just be looking at it.

Today I was at a thrift store and got some dresses to try on. The one I thought would fit the sleeves barely got over my upper arms and I couldn't zip it up. The one that looked huge and I expected to be loose fit perfectly.

I have body dysmorphia and until recently I used to see myself fatter than I really was. Now I don't feel that fat but I guess I'm fatter than I see myself?

Just bought M-L size "sweater tights" and I struggled to get them over my thighs!

The cable motif makes them waaaaaayyyy less stretchy than regular tights.

I used to be obese so these would have been uncomfortable even when I was 30 lbs lighter and wearing XS-S.

I feel cheated and I doubt I can return them to the store now that I've tried them...

I have the same problem... but it's pretty unlikely that our clothes got smaller. 🤣

My employer allows me a few appointments with a therapist. Since I started seeing her, one of my goals was to work on my internalized fat phobia but with my ADHD I keep digressing and there's never enough time to address this topic.

He isn't because he can't afford it (our healthcare system overs part of the medication costs but not of therapy).

Since my appointment at the endocrinologist I'm a lot more depressed myself. Despite my best efforts I haven't lost any weight and according to him there's no medical explanation to my getting fatter so fast therefore I feel very hopeless.

I try to restrict myself but I only end up bingeing more on forbidden foods later in the day or at night.

Still on sick leave but I'll have to start working again soon. The mere idea of going back makes me want to quit because I just can't cope with any weight gain comments tbh.

Saw my mom for Christmas and it was obvious she noticed my fuller figure and was walking on eggshells and sugarcoating her words in order not to hurt my feelings... but I nonetheless started crying uncontrollably.

We should trade bodies.

(continued)

On a last note, my boyfriend knows about addiction as he's been smoking cigarettes and using cannabis since he was only 14. He also used to be an alcoholic, but has been sober for at least 2-3 years.

Since it is his apartment (I have my own upstairs, but I usually sleep at his place because I like to cuddle in bed), I have been extremely tolerant of things that come with his addictions: empty cigarette butts (he mixes the tobacco with the weed) and cigarette box cutouts (he makes the filters from them) all over his desk and on the floor, perpetually overflowing ashtrays, daily fits of coughing in the morning (sometimes to the point of vomiting) and the flegma he's been spitting in trash cans (sometimes he misses and they end up on the floor), in the sinks, in the toilet bowl...

I've always found spitting repulsive but I love him and I knew what I was getting into from the beginning. I close my eyes or turn my head away when I know he's about to spit.

I think he understands my eating disorders (restrict/binge cycles, weight fluctuations, body dysmorphie/dissatisfaction) aren't things I can control either, but his reaction to the mess I've made of his kitchen last night really hurt me.

He's at work so I stayed in bed all day, not eating but drinking flavoured fizzy water when I get thirsty. I wrote to him a text message (I don't know if he read it yet) saying that I would have to sleep at least the next few nights at my place where I can lock the food cabinets and fridge to keep myself from night eating (I keep the keys in a time lock box until the next morning).

I hope he'll come upstairs (my apartment in on the 3rd floor in the same building as my boyfriend's who on the main floor) some days to sleep with me, but it's the end of the school semester and he's been working relentlessly on his guitar and ukulele. Most days he comes out of his workshop only to have supper, smoke weed, brush his teeth and heads to bed. By then he's so exhausted I don't know if he could even walk upstairs to my place.

If he has school or is working the next day, he prefers to sleep at his place because all of his things are there and he has severe ADHD and tends to get so disorganized he often arrives late to school and work.

His boss told him the next time he comes in late he will be let go and if (when?) that happens I'm worried his mental health will take a turn for the worse. I know he's been having passive suicidal ideations (he says things like "I wish I would disappear" or "I can't do this anymore" ), but I'm worried and don't want want to lose my lover and best friend...

He's taking an antidepressant and has support from a social worker, but I can see it's hard for him to ask for help.