Biffa:
Hi guys... I'm trying to vent and get my thoughts in order, but if anybody's gone through something similar maybe you can provide some advice. I feel kinda lost right now.
When I first told my bf about this kink, he was really supportive and eager to try things. Though I reassured him he didn't have to gain for me, I was overjoyed when, after thinking it over for a few weeks, he told me he wouldn't mind me feeding him when we're able to spend more time in person (we're in an LDR so go long periods apart) and he was open to putting on a bit of weight. For reference, he started out quite thin, around 130lbs and 6ft when we started dating.
He did not intentionally try to gain, but over the course of a year, only part of which that I was there to encourage him, he's gained a decent amount. My best estimate is that he's somewhere around 160-170 now. He isn't what I would consider "chubby"; he still has a fairly slim silhouette. It's not super noticeable, but if you're looking for it you can tell he's a bit heavier.
Of course, I'm happy with him softer. I was attracted to him when our relationship began, but this has been... really nice.
Over the past months, I've noticed him making the occasional insecure comment about his body. I always do my best to reassure him I think he's the hottest guy ever. I know even people who actively want to gain have moments of uncertainty; our society's messages of fat hatred are strong. So all things considered, I thought he was holding up well.
But today he opened up to me about something. Apparently he's been struggling with it more than I thought. So much to the point that he said if he gets any bigger, he wants to start losing. He says that although he thought he'd be indifferent to being a bit heavier, he's taking it harder than he thought. He feels ugly.
Obviously it's his body and his choice 100%, and the first thing I did was make it clear I'll support whatever he wants to do. But, not to sound overdramatic, my heart broke a little when he told me these things. I knew he didn't want to gain a huge amount, but I didn't think we were anywhere close to done. I know logically this is silly and it shouldn't matter that much. I was attracted to him before, and besides, tons of peoples' partners change over time in ways that make them less attractive to them (for those not in this kink, I guess that's how they feel when their partner gains, haha) and they deal with it. That's just life. But I can't help but mourn the loss of a (potential) future. I've always wanted to know what it was like to be with a fat partner. I had fantasized about him being chubby at some point in the future so much, and now I have to face that actually, that may not happen.
Yeah, it's true that attempts to lose weight often fail, and people will often regain what they lost and then some. He could still end up fat, since it seems like his body is kind of already doing this without much effort. But I feel gross and creepy hoping for that possibility, knowing that it would make him feel bad.
So I'm not sure what to do now. We're a great team and very compatible in most ways. I want to find a way that we can both be happy - I don't want to repress an aspect of my sexuality long term, but also obviously want him to be comfortable in his own skin. We had to cut our conversation short for now and pick it up at a later time, so I'm trying to figure out how to explain my feelings without making him feel like he's done anything wrong by setting a boundary. I don't know whether it's worth (obviously assuming he wants to try this) working towards unlearning some of that stigma he's internalized, since it seems that's his biggest issue. I know that wouldn't be easy nor a quick process, and that's ok. On my end, maybe I just need to give my mind a while to adjust to these new expectations. Maybe reduce my consumption of kink content, too, idk. I use it pretty much every time I masturbate and I think it creates a feedback loop where I fixate on kink stuff and need it more, diminishing my ability to enjoy more "vanilla" things. There's no ridding myself of this kink even if I wanted to, but I might be able to redirect some of those energies to an extent. And of course indulging my kink through fantasy and play is still on the table, albeit with some new ground rules from my bf. Sorry, WOW has this post gotten long - If you're still reading, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had an experience of a partner changing their mind about gaining, and how you handled it.
I think that’s a mature way you’re coming at it. It’s painful, and other people who might hear your story wouldn’t understand, but I bet a ton of people here do. You’re doing it the right way, though. Best of luck!
