Sounds like Summer was good to you! Glad you are enjoying the impact of the changes

You've mentioned being mocked since childhood. One important question is who did the mocking, and are they still part of your life? Even if they aren't, are their voices still living in your head?

There is a type of therapy, whose name escapes me at the moment (cognitive programming maybe?), where the steps for dealing with negative messages to yourself can be simplified to (IIRC the steps correctly):

1) Identify the negative messages. Literally carry around a note pad (or smart phone) and right down what they are when you notice them. Note too if they are in someone's voice (is it your grandmother's message that you've internalized, etc)

2) Learn to notice whenever you are doing these messages. This takes work, but you learn to note mentally whenever you have these thoughts.

3) When you are having the thoughts, tell yourself 'stop!' At first you may need to do this out loud, when you are on your own. Over time, learn to cut yourself off earlier and earlier in the message. "I'm so fat and ugly--STOP!" "I'm so fat and--STOP!" "I'm so--STOP!"

4) When you feel those thoughts trying to form, learn to replace them with a positive message instead. So you feel that voice about to say how you are fat and ugly, and you jump in with "I'm so strong and capable" (or whatever your positive message is).

I've not tried this myself, but I hear it worlks wonders for some people. Of course the devil is in the details, but if you reserach I'm sure you can find more complete guides on how this works.

Five scales confirm your current weight.....how many scales are you basing your old weight on? (that is, could the 30 pounds lighter measurement have been off?)

Also, how many measurements are you using? If your thighs have gotten thicker, or you've put on muscle in the shoulders and chest, it is not something that you'll see in measuring neck and waist (as you would do for sizing men's clothes). Maybe more usefully, have you noticed any change in the fit of your clothes, or in how your body feels?

Why not talk to him about liking being fat? I'm sure that during conversation you'll find a decent opening.

As for actually gaining, that is a much more complicated issue. Control and some degree of moderation are generally good things--and no matter how turned on you are you still have to live the rest of your life. Obviously lots of people on this site are fat and like being fat, and that is cool....I'm just saying that anyone here saying "go for it" shouldn't be an excuse to throw caution to the wind, you know?

Good luck with sorting out all your feelings on this....liking fat is not the easiest thing to live with (I'm there, and by the sounds of it I don't have it as bad as you do)

Actually I suspect most feedees/gainers are men; for most sexual kinks there are more men that women who have it as a specific turn-on from what I've heard (there will be woman who are specifically turned on by it, and more who may enjoy it to some degree, but the number who are really into it will usually be more men than women). I think women might be more apt to post about it at places like this, because they probably get more positive attention for it.

Which leads into part 2 of what you talked about: finding a female feeder, especially a dominant one. You can ask around the guys here who have been looking for one, they'd know best. My impression, however, is that there are also more male feedees than there are female feeders.

Good points from MyLittleSecret about the different between introversion/extroversion and being shy (or even quiet). My Mom is a quiet extrovert.....she loves have people over, hosting parties, being with groups, but you'll usually find her off to the side. She gets energized by having people around, but she is quiet, so people would not always guess it.

My wife is the opposite, she is very introverted, gets easily exhausted from being around people, but as soon as she is with people she comes across as very sociable and outgoing, making sure nobody is being ignored, laughing, making things happen....all the while secretly trying to figure out how quickly she can get out of there before she is totally burnt out.

Ideally one should be able to function both ways.

If you spend some time around these kind of sites you'll see people have all different likes. With someone who is very fat you'll see everything from someone who is very thin to someone who is also very fat.

Just remember that just because someone is fat, even if they like being fat, that does not automatically mean they prefer a fat partner. There are plenty of fat people who prefer a slim partner, but there are certainly fat people who strongly prefer a fat partner.

I've had an interest/fascination with fat since I can remember, combined with positive feelings about it. When I hit puberty, bang! All of a sudden I noticed the one chubby girl in our class, feeling an attraction between our small bellies. This was in the fall of my grade six year, when I was eleven years old.

My first erotic fantasy was of a sort of weight gaining contest, with her, the next chubbiest girl in our class, myself, and a plump boy who lived across the street. I spun out scenarios spanning years (until we were 18, I couldn’t imagine what life would like beyond high school back then). I’d always start off as the thinnest and gaining the most slowly, but by the end would be gaining so fast that I’d become the fattest, so would end up dating the fatter of the two girls (I admit that at the time I had zero concept of dating beyond what I’d read in Archie Comics).

In other words, by the middle of sixth grade I new that I got turned on by being fat, gaining weight, by fat women, and by women gaining weight.

However, this was in 1979. I had no clue that anyone else felt the same or would ever understand how I felt at all. So I kept all those thoughts and feelings hidden, and even did my best to keep my weight down and be athletic, on the theory that all women preferred that.

It wasn’t until nearly a decade later that I got a clue that there was others out there who liked this, and that there were terms for it. Porn had never appealed to me, at least not the Playboy and Penthouse magazines of my friends, so I wondered if something was wrong with me. I decided to go and see if there was anything out there that did appeal, and I eventually came across two old issues of ‘BUF’ magazine, which was FA porn (featuring photos of fat women, weight gain stories, and all that you’d expect). Those told me that I was an FA, feeder, and feedee.

There was still nothing and nobody accessible for more support. It wasn’t for another several years, until after I was married, that I got access to the world wide web, and immediately went searching for fat stuff. I found Melanie Bell’s site first, and followed links from there.