I wasn't advocating aggression or confrontation. I was advocating a different path--that is, not taking your preference for granted.

In the case of being an FA, there's a fat-phobic society that makes things hard for ALL of us, fat people and our admirers alike, across all gender and sexuality lines.

If we aren't more proactive than others, we don't contribute to making a less fat-phobic society. If someone doesn't care about making a difference, that's a choice. But then they shouldn't complain about the consequences of that society, i.e., fat people with self-esteem issues.

My point was simple. If we want fat people to date who have high self-esteem, one way to contribute to that is to help (in tiny incremental ways, it's true) make the culture around us less fat-hating. It won't change an individual woman or man, but it may affect the odds over the longer term.

In the meantime, we can celebrate all the brave FAs and the strong, confident fat folks, here and everywhere!

Thanks, hon. But just to clarify--I'm not dieting, and wouldn't, on principle. I don't believe in it. I was just frustrated by some posters and chatters who are unsympathetic, and don't see the differences FAs might make in the lives of women living in an extremely fat-phobic society.

Thanks, hon. But just to clarify--I'm not dieting, and wouldn't, on principle. I don't believe in it. I was just frustrated by some posters and chatters who are unsympathetic, and don't see the differences FAs might make in the lives of women living in an extremely fat-phobic society.

Dear FA,

I keep hearing how frustrating you find it that women want to lose weight. So I want to ask you a few questions:

1. Are you out as an FA? Do all of your friends, colleagues, family know that you prefer fat women?

Please don't tell me that your preferences are no one's business. That only works if your preferences are mainstream. When you have non-mainstream preferences, you have to shout them from the rooftops, just to make sure some tiny space is opened up for them.

2. Do you compliment fat women on our appearance?

I don't mean sleazy things, or "Hi, great belly!" (which ought to get you punched), but rather the basics. "My, you look lovely today." "That's a great outfit." Or whatever your style is, but something positive and socially acceptable.

We take hits day in and day out. Billboards, magazines, friends and family constantly tell us we're unattractive. Are you doing your part to counteract that?

3. When you're dating a fat woman, do you take her out and show her off? Introduce her proudly to your friends?

It took me a while to figure out why I was having fabulous torrid affairs with guys who then went out with skinny women. But hiding me away for hot sex when you're embarrassed to be seen in public with me is not going to do much for my self-esteem.

I know some guys here are genuinely out, and others think of yourselves as out though I'm not sure you fulfill my definition of 'out'. And some of you aren't at all. So before you start whining at insecure fat women--or about us--please consider cleaning your own house. When you contribute to fatphobia, you damage us, and therefore make romantic relationships more challenging for yourselves and all of us.

I'm not saying we don't have to work at it, too. I'm just saying you have a part to play, and it would help us if you played it.

*speech over*

Wow. I'm totally impressed with some of the lists here. But am I alone in liking more contemporary stuff? Surely there's someone out there who likes minimalism? Messiaen? Morton Subotnick?

Cookie, I'd love to go to the Kempf concert at Bridgwater--anyone else in?

There's always great stuff at the Liverpool Phil, and the new conductor's totally adorable--if you haven't watched him conduct, you're really missing something. Here he is chatting: I know it's far for lots of you, but if you've any inclination to come up, it would be loads of fun. Let me know if you'd be into it.

There's lots I like, including plenty of the 'big' names. But just to throw a bit of a wrench/spanner into the works, how about some very early stuff? skin_tint turned me on to a Couperin piece that I've been listening to a lot, Lecon de tenebres (missing three accents, sorry). Or some 20th C works? maybe Steve Reich's Tehilim?

There's a load of great stuff waiting to be listened to...