I did read the whole thread. Personally, I'm not convinced that OP meant what you suggest, since he wasn't clear about that being every aspect of his life, only the sexual dynamic. OP specifically asked how to do this in a safe way as well.

Still, my overall point was that even sadomasochism can be a matter of framing. Perhaps the aftercare is just another sadistic element, since she mixes periods of abuse and gentleness in order to confuse him and make him feel emotionally bonded to her so that it becomes even more difficult for him to break free. People can interpret things in any number of ways, so the only thing that needs to change in order to live out his fantasies within a healthy relationship is his mindset.

I'm curious to know what specific changes you made in your life to enjoy things again. A lot of people seem have difficulty doing that. (Even outside of kink)

Forgot to add this, but Goreans really go the extra mile with eye contact restrictions, certain speech requirements, and even specific body postures when sitting or kneeling. Every moment is micromanaged ahead of time with a rule. It sounds too exhausting to me, but to each their own.

CFNM is also something that some people do, where he is required to be naked while at home, but she wears clothes. Chastity cages and collars are also an option that can be worn all day. This can help visually reinforce your roles.

While I agree with many of the points you made, I have to disagree with the overall message, as it sounds discouraging. I've seen a lot of posts on Fetlife of people saying how they made a 24/7 BDSM dynamic work for them. It's true that trying to spend every waking moment in an intense sex scene with no breaks or aftercare is a mental health disaster in the making, but that's NOT what most people mean when they talk about lifestyle BDSM. To make this dynamic work, people have to reorient the way they think about BDSM, domination, and even what constitutes a scene. For example, think about nudist couples. In a way, they have a 24/7 dynamic where they've agreed to follow the rule that they should be undressed whenever possible. For someone who only associates nakedness with sex, they might assume that they'd spend all day in bed, but that's not the case. For them, nudity is just a way of life, and the same can be true for BDSM.

Aftercare is still important, but you don't have to treat it like something that happens after the scene is over (since the entire relationship is basically one big scene). Rather, people have to realize that there are many different ways to be dominant. Some are sadistic and cruel, and others are gentle and nurturing while staying in control. In a 24/7 dynamic, the dom should be capable of switching between all of these modes when appropriate, just as they should know when to punish and when to praise. Every aspect of life, whether it's aftercare or vacuuming the carpet, should be filtered through the lens of dominance. Some couples even do a 24/7 roleplay dynamic such as DDLG, where they never turn off their roles, but normal life still happens regardless. Here are some ideas of incorporating BDSM outside of the bedroom:

*It's easy to turn every mealtime into a feeding session, regardless of the amount of food. Even If you're eating out at a restaurant with friends, you will have to be subtle and discreet about it, but the feeder is still providing food or even ordering for him, so it's still a feeding session in their minds.

*She can give him homework, like giving him a large gainer shake that he has to finish while he's at work.

*If they're watching a movie, she can order him to lay across her lap while she hand-feeds him popcorn. To an outside observer, it might even look like normal cute couple stuff, but he still feels like he's under her control and serving her desires.

*Instead of discussing housework responsibilities like a vanilla couple, she can assign him chores, and use treats as a reward for doing a good job.

*She can tell him to do little demeaning things like kiss her feet when she gets home from work, or she can tell him to fetch her a beer, or maybe have a rule to always ask her permission to use the bathroom. These sorts of things can be sprinkled throughout the day so that he's basically always in subspace. Frequent dirty talk also helps.

*With CNC, the idea is that a session can happen at any moment, for any length of time, and without asking permission, just based on the whims of the dom. It doesn't need to be a big scene, it can be like a short micro-session with a single act, like using his belly as a footrest for a few minutes. For these subs, feeling like they're being used and have no control at all is what gets them going.

*This is basically also an FLR, so she will be responsible for all decision making for both of their lives, whether sexual or otherwise. Kind of like the stereotype of a very controlling 1950's household with the genders reversed. Some doms will even assign tasks that are meant for self-improvement, whether that's telling him to research aspects of their fetish, or ordering him to take an online art class for stress relief, or making him participate in her hobbies.

Of course it goes without saying, but you should only do this with someone you know well and completely trust. It's very important to discuss boundaries ahead of time. You could even write down both of your needs and limits in a "contract" format that you both sign. It's not legally binding of course, but it makes things super clear for everyone while playing into the fantasy that the sub is signing their life away. Some subs even feel strongly about not having a safeword, since they trust their dom completely to keep their wellbeing in mind, and feel like they can speak up when they're uncomfortable, and their dom will respect them enough to listen while still having the final say. I wouldn't recommend this for most people, especially if you haven't lived together as a normal couple for a while first. If either of you aren't open to possibly spending the rest of your lives together, this may not be the lifestyle for you. If not, then you don't have to go to these extremes though, the limits of your agreement are completely up to you

Here's a new invite for the discord I mentioned.

discord.gg/GxwawSjxN5

In addition to what everyone else has said, I think you should know that being "mostly straight" is completely valid, and a lot more common than you'd think.

In a 2013 survey for the National Health Statistics Report, they surveyed 54,685 men on their sexuality, and the results were very interesting.

Who they are attracted to:
Only women: 92.1%
Mostly women: 4.1%
Women and men equally: 0.9%
Mostly men: 0.8%
Only men: 1.5%
Not sure: 0.7%

How they identified:
Straight: 95.1%
Bi: 2.0%
Gay: 1.9%
Didn't respond: 1.0%

So that means that 3% of men identified as straight, despite having some same-sex attraction. Of course that was 10 years ago. If the same survey were conducted today, it would probably skew more LGBT, but that's just a guess.

www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr088.pdf

Ugh, I wrote out this great response that addressed every point Wat made, but there were so many points raised that I can't edit it down to fit in the character limit, lol. The TLDR is that most of the problems he identified are real, but his conclusions are all wrong, like he gave seriously terrible advice. And all of my arguments were probably very convincing, you're just gonna have to trust me on that one, haha
Might post it later, idk

You're listing off all of these negative personality traits, and maybe there's some truth there, but I don't think they're as bad as you say. Depression has killed all of your self-esteem, and so you're being really harsh on yourself. It's like a form of verbal self-harm. Try to imagine that you're talking to someone else who's in your position. Would you be so critical of them? If not, then you probably shouldn't do that to yourself. (At least that's what my therapist keeps telling me, haha) You might feel like you're worthless right now, but you have no idea what your potential is, or the things you could accomplish if depression weren't an obstacle. Try not to compare yourself to others. Everyone's path through life is different. Instead, you can compare yourself to how you were yesterday, and focus on what you can do today to make things better by a small amount. Eventually that will add up to real change.

Here is my honest advice for anyone with depression: There IS treatment available, and it does work for many people. You can find so many people's stories about how they recovered and what they did. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying.

1. Try to find a therapist. If they're not helping you, then look for a different one. Having setbacks in your recovery doesn't mean that treatment won't ever work for you.
2. You should be open to antidepressants as a treatment option. It may not be what's best for everyone, but they have helped a lot of people. Keep in mind that if you do find the medication that's right for you, it won't cure you or lift your mood, it will just create a baseline and stop your lows from getting too low.
3. Start exercising daily. Not to lose weight, but because it will give you endorphins.
4. Go for a walk outside every day with no agenda but to look at trees. Being close to nature has a very soothing effect.
5. Keep up with your hygiene and try to clean the mess in your house bit by bit. Feeling disgusted with yourself and your environment is going to make your depression worse.
6. Keep a good sleep schedule. Get your 8 hours and wake up in the mornings, not the afternoon. You need rest to heal, including your mind.
7. Make plans to regularly hang out with a friend in person, even if you think you'll hate it. Humans are social creatures and we don't do well when we're isolated.

There are studies supporting all of these, but you have to stick to it even if you can't tell if it's helping. And yeah, it's going to be exhausting, but the potential rewards if it does work would be worth it, right? Try to imagine a fantasy world where you feel good and everything in your life is in a good place. It's absolutely possible for anyone to get there, including you. But you have to fight for it, or it won't ever happen. It's a long and hard road, but it's absolutely guaranteed to happen for you if you can find the right steps to take.

Now, regarding dating, you should probably put that aside for now until you're in a better place. Navigating and maintaining a relationship (and her respect for you) can be difficult at the best of times; so if you're full of self-loathing and doubt, it's going to be a non-starter. I understand that the loneliness might be a major cause of your depression though, so if you really need intimacy in order to recover, I do have some advice. Try to look for casual relationships/friends with benefits only. When there are no expectations other than to enjoy each other's company, there is SO much less pressure, and less anxiety as a result. It doesn't have to be meaningful, emotions don't have to get involved, you can just get some of that good oxytocin and be on your way. You can always pursue something more serious later when you have more self-confidence. I know you asked for tips on how to succeed with dating. I can say the first thing to keep in mind is that fun is absolutely the order of the day, so it's best not to bring the mood down or unload all of your problems. Serious emotional support is something you could have with a long-term relationship, but probably not when you're just dating. There is more advice I could give, but this is really not the best place for it.

Same here. When I try to rush I get heartburn as well. I think because when you're hurrying, you're not taking enough time to chew, so you end up with more solid food in your stomach that's harder to digest. My coping mechanism is just talking less, and trying to get comfortable with the idea of making people wait for you, lol

Low angle shots are usually pretty great